Thursday, April 29, 2010

If the laxies woulda worked, it'd be a new low.

I've been nearly as horrible at posting as I have been at keeping up with my reading/commenting.

The innately guilty side of me comes out so strongly when I write here. That's something to ponder sometime.

Not right now.

I thank you all for your support in my decision to keep myself from my cancer sticks. They are dangerous, yes, in so many ways... Honestly, I don't believe I may deserve all of your props... Sure, I was addicted at one point in my life; I would smoke nearly two packs a day for nearly two years, but that was back when I was 18ish. Now...Well, now I had just started up again. About a week ago, and not even in full earnest. So quitting wasn't nearly as difficult as it would have been for someone who had been smoking for a much longer period of time.

Even so...Thank you. :) Your comments are keeping me from going to the corner store RIGHT NOW and buying another pack. I want to...I won't lie. But I won't. I won't, I won't. Thank you for reminding me, even when you're not around.

So 129.0 this morning. I've still been "bingeing," but not to an excessive degree. I'd say one or two binges per day, rather than the day-long binge-fest that leaves you swollen and hating life as you lie in bed wanting to die type thing.

I've been popping laxies and Topamax like it doesn't matter. Like nothing matters.

That is bad.

I've been somewhat careful with the latter. I won't OD. I promise. I've not gone over 100 mg on any given day. It's still quite a jump from 12 mg a day (my smallest dosage as of late)...I'm just..fed the fuck up. Literally and figuratively, ya know?

I don't feel 129.0 today. I feel flabby and huge. I think the scale must be lying. I felt smaller, tighter, more toned at 131. I know I'm losing muscle mass because I stopped drinking my protein shakes. I need to buy some more. There's no really good reason as to why I stopped drinking them. They taste good enough, and they're not any more caloric than the cereal I've pretty much been replacing them with. In fact, they're eliminated from my body more rapidly anyway. It's just that I'm lazy, plain and simple. If I'm not mindful, vigilant, then I'll just put any old thing into my body, just so long as it's low-cal enough to keep me under my limit.

Yep. That's bad.

I feel like I've been living in a blur. I'm fairly certain that's pretty close to normal for the last few weeks of the semester. It has a lot to do with my depression, I know, and my separate meds, and my relationships goings on, and the fact that I feel like my days are living me, rather than the other way around.

The last one? Yes. That's not okay. That leads to the feeling of being out of control, and we all know how much people like you and I just LOVE being out of control...

Ah well. I do need to get going. Little B's daycare is expecting Mommy to bring a picture of us together so they can decorate it for some cutesy little Mother's Day project (and this is the part where P.D. thinks "Oh SHIT, Mother's Day? I haven't even THOUGHT of getting my mom a card or ANYthing! And now, shit, my stepmom, too?? I haven't even spoken to her in like, a year! And I know she'll be sending me something and I really need to make some kind of connection with her because if I don't I just know I'll be the only one of us kids who doesn't (I always do this kind of shit...) *sigh*..."


<3 you, skinnies. Muchly.


  1. Yay! I'm glad you decided to kick the ciggies to the ground. I didn't smoke as long as you, but i smoked a ton all the same. Its so much better to avoid it. If you love control, find it without the ciggies. Be in your own control :)


  2. Girl, I have been binging (to our new topa standards) too. Not at all like before.

    I decided to cut my dosage in half. 100mg am and 100mg afternoon. It really made no difference once my dosage was increased anyways. Might as well save em up.

    I have become so complacent. I don't gain, which is cool. Topa is great in that regard. But I still have to do some work to lose.

    Sorry you are depressed babe. So so so sorry.
    Do something fun for you, get that piercing again. C&S causes sores in your mouth... excessive salivary production etc... may have been the culprit in the issue with it not healing. Or find something else that will make you feel good.

    Exercise too always gives me those happy endorphins. I need to take my own advice. Been kind of grumpy and down.

    Lets think of ways to pull outta this funk.

    Much luvs and xo's

  3. Good for you on the cigarettes. That's a tough monster to befall. And seriously, if TV hadn't told me about mother's day there is no WAY I would have remembered. Sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well. At least school is out soon? More time to focus on yourself anf your little one? :)
    Bell well, lady.

  4. Aw, you are such a hardcore momma! Congratulations on the smoking - I smoked a pack of day of Newports when I was 18, and quitting was/ is hard. I still crave 'em, especially when the chaos of life starts taking its toll. BUT WE CAN DO THIS! Oh yeah.

    Oh goddess, mother's day. When is that?!?! I should Goodsearch it right now. Oh mama. Mamamamamama. I usually write her a letter/ make a card; saves money, and it really means more. But if you're low on time and creative stimuli, Hallmark's the bitch to roll with. ;)

    Um... I loooooooooooooove yoooooooooooooou! You are seriously the coolest chupacabra-esque-ish chica I know (and despite the bad rep chupacabras get, I do believe you're as hardcore awesome as they... might... be - but you really are hardcore-awesome soooo...) Yes, before you ask, I have ingested an ungodly amount of caffeine. My bads.

    Anywho. Take care of yerself, and I miss you, and I love you, and I totally want you to text me more, but I totally understand, so it's all good. And just be careful with your meds, missy! I need my PD!


  5. I've been where you are, topa excluded. What the scale says doesn't really matter as long as your clothes are falling off you, the sad part is eating protein shakes instead of cereal will make your body tighter and work better, and probably help stave off the depression. Zen is right, exercise will get those endorphins going like no other.