Monday, April 19, 2010

Still 131... Phew.

I'm back to 25 mg in the morning, in case you're wondering. We'll see how that goes. It's such a slippery slope, the one on which I find myself...

Who doesn't long to be utterly repulsed at every thought of eating and food and satiety, all day long, for days on end? Who among us would pass at a pill that offers complete control of mind, absence of desire and appetite, a more intense obsession with one's goals than one has ever experienced?

And yet...there's also Life to be had. Love, and a child who needs ME, because I am all she has in this world. I will not ever starve myself into a hospital because she needs me, and we will need each other forever. I will not let it get that far.

13 pounds to underweight. I will not let it get too much lower than that...

If I repeat it over and over and over, I think it might be closer to true, somehow.

Enough of the darkdepressingbullshit. :P

I'm happy today. I am. I'm giddy and flighty and energetic (despite my obvious deficiencies in vitamins, minerals, calories, etc.) and even though my skin has taken on that pale blotchiness it gets when I starve for a number of days, I feel GOOD. I'm excited. I feel a corner coming, a sharp bend up ahead, and I'm about to take this turn going 80, and totally ace it. It *couldpossiblymaybe* have a little tiny something to do with my lovely friend Dr. McAussieDreamGuyLitProfessor...


A lot.


I have that light about me, that glow, that people have the morning after they get laid for the first time in ages.

Except I didn't. He's just wonderful.

Ah, but am I mixed-up mess of jumbly confusion, or what?

Oh, and in answer to your lovely comments, ladies, yes, the profile picture is me, taken a few days ago. Looking at it now, though, I realized it's not all that good... Maybe I'll take another when I hit 125. :D I kind of liked the black and white one I posted a few posts ago? The bending-over-one from the back? My ribs looked nice (for once!) but my hips are just so goddamned wide...There's not much in the way of fixing that, is there?

Meh...I'm doing the notorious leg-jiggling trick to keep myself from peeing over I should probably go do that.

<3 you skinnies! Thank you so much for being so amazing!!!


  1. It is good that your happy today. What pills are you taking and how long for?, How much cost and weight loss? From where? Do you recommend them?.

    From what you say it seems like a god send.

    Hopefully your good mood will last. Everyone deserves to be happy. even if it comes in the form of McAussieDreamGuyLitProfessor.

    Loads of love
    x Evie x

  2. =) cant wait to hear about your professor when you do take that bend. x

  3. Darling I WANT your breasts. If this is the body you get after childbirth then I'm perhaps coming around to the idea.

    Love that you're happy again. Jumbly giddiness is happiness at its best and always makes for amusing reading <3 xxx

  4. You do have great boobs.
    Wish I had some.

    Glad you're in a good mood!

  5. oh i want your boobs!!!!! flat stomach !

  6. Ooooh! P.D. is feeling frisky!!
    Happy happy joy joy!!

    xoxo zen

  7. Nice pic, lady! Look at those ribs :)

    I love how your professor's nickname keeps getting longer and longer, by the way. He must be getting more and more delicious ;)


  8. you are so gorgeous...i hope the whole K situation goes smoothly sorry this comment is short but i am feeling my sleep meds kicking in at the moment...
    and shmexy fantasies are absolutely the best
    stay strong

  9. =) Love the Dr.McAussie name lol

    Keep thinking about your daughter and I am sure that you will stay in control!

    Annnd I agree, your body, bones, and boobs are amazing!

  10. I agree with all the boob comments, mine are only that lovely and large when I'm huge. And by then it's a completely moot point.
    And I'm usually pretty good with most kids, when I'm happier. At the moment I'm having a rather large dry spell in regards to happiness. But the video's of your daughter are so, so, so adorable and I would babysit her in a second if I lived near you and you needed a night off!
    Sometimes I love watching people eat, sometimes it's triggering. Tooootally depends on my mood.
    Also! Congrats on your recent huge loses! I meant to say this earlier. But anyway, well done! :)

  11. You're so gorgeous. And I'm glad you're feeling happy today! :)