Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Maybe if I turn my lungs black...

I've picked up smoking again.

I'm trying, anyway. Trying to convince myself that the pros outweigh the cons is pretty damn difficult when I know how horrible it is for me, and when it makes me feel even more unhealthy than I already do.

Still, it's pretty damn hard to want to eat anything at all with that freshly smoked cancerstick flavor coating your entire mouth, isn't it?

That, and you can't really beat the nearly instantaneous mellow it provides...

I binged yesterday. And today. Yes, already! But yesterday's total was about 1,600 (that's estimating high, just to be safe) and my weight is the same as it was yesterday morning, so I'm not going to worry TOO much. Yeah, I weighed myself again. Pssh. To think I can actually wait DAYS between weigh-ins?? I used to. I simply can't. It's like the highlight of my day, waking up to that scale. Fear, apprehension, excitement, anticipation...Like some sort of twisted Christmas morning insanity, rushing to the bathroom to see what it has to tell me. 130.4. Today's breakfast was too much. Soyjoy bar: 140. Cereal with milk: 220. Gluten-free cookies: 65. Banana: 100. Cigarette: 0. And it helped me avoid the gluten-free tapioca toast I was really craving beforehand. Thank you, nicotine.

I really shouldn't start this up again. Back when I smoked a pack and a half a day, I was profoundly addicted. It's simply who I am. It's kind of my thing. Logic tells me to avoid addictive substances or behaviors because it's almost inevitable that I'll be hooked in no time. I can't even afford to get addicted to cigarettes again.

This post is boring.

Ummm...I should go get ready for school. I hope my lovely ladies (and gents) are doing well today...With everything in me I send you strength of will and presence of mind, and all other sorts of niceties you may need in order to reach your personal goals. Thank you for your unending support. :)

Here's to starving for the rest of the day... <3


  1. Smoking is bad for you, yes, but I agree with you about the pros too. I almost wish I could start, just to have that mellow feeling and the appetite suppressant.
    Don't worry about the bingeing. It happens, we move on. Yay starving for the rest of the day!
    Good luck :)

  2. quiting smoking is easy, i know because i have done it tons of times.


    hope your life takes a turn for the fabulous.

  3. i understand about not wanting to do anything your body could get addicted to.
    my dad gets addicted very easily, after the second time he smoked a cigarette, he was addicted. he gave it up by going to a clinical centre, it was absolute hell to him. he's now an alcoholic, a binge eater and addicted to the internet.
    since i have his genes im scared i get addicted as easily as him, so i try to avoid things like alcohol and drugs but sometimes i cant help myself. the pleasure these addictive things can give you is just too tempting.

  4. *sad face*

    P.D, please please throw your cigarettes away?

    Smoking is kind of like eating that cookie you know you're not supposed to, you know? The cookie will make me fat, but immediate gratification says I should just eat the cookie first and worry about how to burn the extra calories later.

    I know people who smoke hate it when others remind them about how bad smoking is for their health (I can imagine you saying: "You think I didn't know that?"), but I'll still say it anyway (because I love you). Whatever temporary satisfaction you get from smoking is NOT worth it. Even the suppressed appetite and subsequent weight loss is NOT.

    I love you P.D, you hear that?


  5. Blech! No more smooches for you.
    Although, you do look awful sexy in that photo babe... muah!

    xoxo zen

  6. Ugh I've started smoking too, even though I think it's disgusting and hate it. Gives me something to do/buy that isn't food related.

    I have however found that it's not particularly helpful when you're in a rush. I smoked yesterday whilst trying to walk quickly and the headrush combined with feeling lightheaded from no food (and perhaps my body being startled by the fact that I was WALKING and OUTSIDE instead of lying motionless in bed) almost made me faint. I felt more spaced out than I think I have from any drugs, albeit very briefly! Not good. I have also taken to smoking at times that have nothing to do with not eating/stopping thinking about food, and I also still decide to eat instead of smoke when I feel like eating, so not sure what the point is really...Good on you for quitting. Your therapist sounds awesome :)


  7. The post isn't boring.
    You have a tiny little smile there, I see it.
    And the scale is our judge, no? :)
    And the rist tattoo? Loove it!

  8. Love your goddess tattoo! xoxo