Wednesday, April 21, 2010

BMI: 20.7. When will I see 19?

I can't remember if I told you this yet...I don't think I have. As of yesterday, around 2 PM, things are over between K and myself.

About that? I feel empty and blank and unaffected.

But I can't tell if it's real, or if it's my medication. It does that to me.

I'm so weak, my lovelies.

Ready for some contradiction? No? Well then, please, so avert your pretty little eyes.

Today, I am scared again, asking if it's worth it.

My fingers are freezing, my face is pale and blotchy, my lips tinged with bluish violet...not a pretty hue, either.

It's 72 degrees out.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible to do this, to BE I must be, as I am...and still be happy? I'm eloquence eludes me. I have no words, as my head is a swimming in this dizzy hazy dream that threatens to turn nightmarish at any moment.

If I am thin, and I finally find myself to be in control, and beautiful...but my body is constantly exhausted, weak, floundering, stumbling, ugly, really, for lack of nutrients... Will it have been worth it then?

I realize the question "Is it worth it?" comes up a lot in our minds, and within our circle here, and elsewhere. The immediate answer, without hesitation, is always ABSOLUTELY.

Because nothing...NO THING...means more than THIN. Right?

I hurt and feel faint constantly now. I am blank, apathetic, cannot find within me the lust for life for which I am known. I cannot lose this. The fact that I have come to this realization must mean that I do, in fact, value life over being thin.


And yet I continue.

If I am frail and fragile and fairy-like, finally, but find myself too fatigued to engage in the simplest of life's offerings when I get there, then what will it have been for? So that I, alone, by myself, could stare at the reflection in the mirror, smile a wry, disgustingly wan and ashen smile at the emaciated woman looking back at me, happy? Rejoice in my ... accomplishment?

I like to go hiking and camping and rock climbing. I like to go out with friends and get trashed and sing karaoke. I like to COOK! I like to EXERCISE, push my body to see how fast and far it can run, how much weight it can lift. I like to go horseback riding, and see how fast and far I can make my horse run, because it reminds me of my childhood and how it feels to fly and forget. I like to dance.

I don't like being dizzy all of the time. I don't like falling back to my chair when I stand because I nearly blacked out just now...but no, no, don't worry about me, I just got a little head rush, I'm totally fine. I don't like not being able to write a single line of moving poetry because my head is too full of emptiness.


Am sorry.

In more ways than I can say.

And I'm sure I'll be changed again by tomorrow.


  1. i feel like that a lot. our bodies have been gifted to us for a reason. is the reason destroying it by not giving it nutrients but loving it because of it? or is the reason so we can use it to see how far we can push it? what are we supposed to do with out bodies?
    "is it worth it?" is a frequent question which is on my mind lately. of course it is. but is it? because if we are honest with ourselves, we really don't know if it is ACTUALLY worth it. are you willing to stop though? i myself am not.
    hope you feel better soon. and if you really want to, you can always change your mind. personally, i wouldnt judge you for it. uve come a long way. but something tells me you wont...

  2. If there is even one thing in your life that is more important to you or makes you forget about being thin, then I suggest you seek it and cling to it for dear life. Your body does a lot of things physically, and there is only so much you can do about it. The peace of mind or the satisfaction you get from seeing a waif in the mirror is all in your head. All of life is in your head. It's just like the Milton quote I posted not too long ago, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

    Don't find yourself doing the latter.


  3. Be careful, but I agree with you, it is worth it :) I have that question on my mind a lot too, and I generally decide that it is.

  4. I am very sad to see your inner light being snuffed out lady. How are you doing in mommy-land? Gotta keep up your energy for her. She needs you!

    I recently cut my dosage in half. You should tweak it till it works correctly.
    Please consider taking only one pill in the morning. See how that goes.

    You want to stop binging.
    You do not want to stop being a person.

    xoxo zen

  5. We all need energy and enthusiasm for life, to continue to live it fully. I do not believe that we, as a community of sufferers, are really living full lives anymore. There is always an ulterior motive for us - how many calories will we burn doing this? Will this help us avoid eating? We become exhausted, irritable, lethargic. And this tells us we are succeeding. Do we really want to succeed? To succeed is ultimately to die. Because we will never truly be thin enough

    Think of your little girl. She needs a mother who is full of life, energy, and love for her. When we deprive our bodies of nutrients, we cannot give that to ourselves, let alone anyone else.

    My kids have been messed up by seeing me go through this. My 8 year-old thinks it is her fault, that I am cranky all the time, and hopes that someday I might get better. She cries over everything, is hypersensitive. I see she is aperfectionist, just like me. I hope that seeing me struggle through this will help her see that it is not a good way to live, but I also know that it is somewhat genetic, and she has the traits for developing an ED herself. This kills me. I did this. She might have never known what anorexia was. Never had a care in the world.

    My 1 year-old closes every drawer that is left open, picks up tiny pieces of paper off the floor, freaks out if she can't unload an open dishwaher. OCD before the age of 2 - from watching me clean constantly, to distract myself from the hunger, the pain, the anger. I never saw this happening to them, I only saw myself winning, succeeding, finally becoming thin.

    Don't let this happen for you and your baby. She is more important than that.

  6. Its definitely not worth losing yourself over. But I enjoy the dizziness..
    You need to eat, healthily of course.
    You need to do the things you love and enjoy life. The things you love mostly involve exercise so you're still gonna be losing.. You cant give up on these things.
    Hope you're ok. xx

  7. Oh sweetie I hope you feel better. I am going through a breakup as well and haven't eaten for 3 days and whirly whirly whirly. Your words are beautiful and touch my heart because I feel that that at times too. Stay strong. We love you. <3

  8. um... you are 20.7
    underweight is 18.5
    i dont think you're in any danger

  9. AAAAHAHAHA... Anonymous's are such a constant source of entertainment!
    What are YOUR stats, hmmm "Prickface"?

    (love that btw *wink wink*)

    UPDATE now before I burst P.D. You cannot give me juicy news like that and expect me not to explode from all the pride and excitement!

    {{zen blows raspberries on your tiny tummy}}
    ewww? I don't fucking care, deal with it. You are a mommy, you do it all the time! ;P

  10. I have given some thought to your thoughtless words Prickface and decided to clear some things up for you and the other ignorant anonymous commentors that have been frequenting P.D's blog.

    Starvation itself IS a dangerous road.
    The symptoms P.D is experiencing are signs of danger.
    Her feelings are valid.
    Our ED takes over, we are consumed with it.
    We struggle with the guilt and fear.
    Often wondering whether we will ever regain control again, or if we will ever want to, before it is too late.
    In short... unless you actually know something of relevance to the subject at hand, refrain from spewing your venom.
    Or come visit my blog. I love me a good troll roast.

    xoxo zen ;)

  11. OMG P.D.

    "I've joined you, today. In the ranks of..."


    Its a club, the... one tnnnhy club. eh?

    If you don't do it, I will. I mean it.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. No P.D, A LOT of things mean more than being thin.

    We've got to discover what they are, and try our best to recognise them when they're staring us in the face.

    I shall be presumptuous and list out a few.

    1. Your beautiful daughter
    2. Your passion and zest for life
    3. Your health
    4. Your love of words. Imagine not being able to describe how you feel or think!

    I haven't been able to comment as often as I would like to, but I'm still reading and thinking of you.


  14. I know you were so excited about the Topamax, and I know it's been helping a lot with the C&S sessions. But, lately, your posts have seemed so devoid of.... P.D. You're not.... you..... anymore when you're posting. I know Topa has and is being touted on here as the wonder drug, the be-all end-all, the one that everyone wants. But you seemed so much happier when you weren't taking it. Yes, the weight was coming off slower, and yes, you had some problems with the C&Sing. But you at least could FEEL things. Right now, you seem so blank and grey. Have you considered stopping the drug? If you haven't, I would ask that you at least consider it. Drugs all have side effects, no matter how wonderful they are. Even aspirin can cause ulcers, and it seems like the most innocuous drug out there. So Topa has to have some beefy side effects, and I think they are really negatively affecting your LIFE. I want you to be able to enjoy yourself and your daughter, and laugh and post poetry, and swear, and be the crazy P.D. that I met a few months ago. PLEASE consider what I asked, about taking yourself off the Topamax. It might make you feel better.