Saturday, April 17, 2010

Yesterday, I was a little scared.

Today, I'll probably end up being a little scared again, if I allow myself to think too much.

I'm pretty sure this medication does something to the 'crazy' switches in my brain. Flips 'em all on over into hyperdrive.

Patterns of thought, actions, emotions...all somewhat OCD yesterday. And the day before. But worse yesterday. This could be a fluke. I'm of stable enough mind to know that any medication that fucks with your brain chemistry may need up to a few months to fully balance out (or rather, your brain would need time to adjust)...I'm doing my damnedest not to jump to any dire conclusions just yet. I have a horrid tendency to do that. :/

So 132.4 today with no laxies. I weighed myself before bed last night and it said 136.4. I was not okay with that. But my body fluctuates like crazy throughout the day and night...Doesn't everyone's? I thought so, but sometimes, after reading some of your blogs here, I wonder how it's possible that you weigh in the evening and still somehow manage to retain your morning number? Like...HOW? Do you not drink water? Because you have to!! It's LIFE! lol... ANYway...132.4 with no laxies means that I'm at least 132.0 empty. I want to say lower but I won't. No jinxy, no jinxy.

Oh, so my thoughts and mind are all jumbled. I apologize. Lack of sleep means my medication makes me into a ZOMBIE. I think the combination of Wellbutrin and Topamax is a good one, but when you subtract food and rest from the mix, your body and brain go more than just a little insane on multiple drugs like that. Just a guess, based on how I've been feeling. So why am I scared?

I'll use the words I received in a text from my dear friend DreamsxandxBones to succinctly describe my fear, as she said it so well, and in so few words: "I can more easily see myself in a hospital than I can see myself ever stopping."

That's what I'm afraid of.

We can say, "Oh, no, you've still got like, pssh, 14 pounds to go before you have to worry about even being in the underweight category..."

I know this, but it doesn't matter. I'll lose it. I know I will, and then I'll want to keep going. I don't do well with finding balances, and drawing lines. I don't want 118 (which puts me at like 19 for BMI)...I want 110. I want to be frail. I want to be known for my thinness, and hated for it, and loved for it, and completely ignored and left alone all at the same time.

This is my blog and I reserve the right to be a fucking contradiction and a half.

Whatever. I was more scared over the fact that although I'd eaten very little yesterday, and was feeling exceedingly weak, exhausted, sick, dizzy, tunnel-visiony all that... I couldn't bring myself to eat. It simply did not appear as an option in my mind. Food would enter my head, and then no. No. That's not happening. Because you will eat that and it will show on the scale tomorrow and you will have backtracked and THEN what will you do? Will the resulting depression overcome you? Will you ALLOW the binge to take place of the lovely, wretchedly painful blissful starvation?

I guess...simply put...Before, I felt I had no choice when it came to bingeing. It had control over me. If I restricted, it was because I consciously chose to do so.

Now, my starvation is not a choice. It is happening TO me. And I do not get to choose if I eat, or I don't eat. I just...don't. At least, I haven't been. Things change.

It's just odd. I don't mean for all of this to sound like a complaint, because it's not. I know so many out there would kill for this mindset, and for whatever combination of factors has brought it about.

It's not lovely, and it's not yet unbearable. least I'm losing?


  1. Have you increased your dosage? Sounds like the anorexic "side affect" kicked in... the literal inability to eat. It comes and goes. Have to stay vigilant.

    The drug definitely make you live in zombieland, after about 2 months that and the mood swings should get a bit better.

    I found I had to stay busy, exercise my brain. Writing helps. My vocabulary bounced back after a month or so. And I stopped grappling to find words (as much).

    The sad thing is, when I started waking up with halo's, I contemplated whether I was willing to sacrifice my vision to be thin.
    I chose blindness.

    plz keep me updated! I know how psycho this drug can make things get.
    I luv you girlie!!

    xoxo zen

  2. I totally understand what you mean. I plan every day that I am going to eat dinner, and even with those good intentions, I just... can't. Even when my stomach if grumbling and hurting, I can't bring myself to put food in my mouth for fear or seeing a higher number on the scale. Not complaining, so not complaining, though! It makes this so much easier when I just can't eat! It sounds like the Topa is really doing it's job now! Love you, stay strong, although I don't that is going to be a problem :) xoxo

  3. heye hey
    absolutely get you there... i just want the weak, frail childlike yet deathlike body. i wont b happy till i hav it ...
    mind u, my mindset has been bingey lately... :(
    watever, u seem well, im thinking of ya
    love-stay string... or idk... the way you are?

  4. I loooooooooooooooooooove yooooooooooou!

    First of all, you're fantastic, as usual. Second of all, [and this may very well not come out sounding at all like I mean it to], you got the Topa exactly for these "side effects". It is working, and combined with your awesome ability to control yourself and to keep up, no-let's say, AHEAD of the ball, you're achieving that which you want.

    It's a hairball world out there, where we take each step on the look-out for something icky, but we still take that step, because even that icky thing can get us there faster, better, make us stronger, more in control, and once we've taken that icky step, nothing else can really faze us. And you're in mid-step; I honestly agree with each word dreamsxandxbones said, that is the mindset and the physical ramifications I yearn for. And what you say, with each post.

    I guess I'm caught in my own head, at the moment, because I want several things simultaneously, which contradict each other. I won't get into them here, but you've once again inspired me... Just be careful, my hetero soul mate o'er yonder! I don't know what I'd do without you.

    Stay strong! (Because you are Madame Universe, whether you like it or not!)

  5. I've missed your comments.
    I thought you were mad at me for some reason...
    Probably the whole "guilty/victimized" part of me, huh?
    Anywho, I'm glad you're back again.
    And I haven't stopped reading your blog.
    132.4 sounds MARVELOUS.
    Wish I wasn't fucking broke all the time, so I could get some of what you have (:

  6. "I reserve the right to be a fucking contradiction and a half." Love that quote!

    I'm sure the 360 in mindset is kinda scary, even if it is what you want. Keep on losing, hon!


  7. Oh man, I had a dream last night that I called you, and we had this awkward discussion explaining who we were and how I got your phone number. I actually saw you had posted it on someone else's blog, and I saved it to my phone as "PD." I went through my phone last night before I went to bed and could NOT figure out who or what the hell PD was.
    Oh man...
    I thought you'd enjoy that story.


  8. WOW!! Your new pictures look freaking awesome!! Keep up the good work and use your meds side effects if you can, lol. I wish mine took my appetitie!! Too bad they packed twenty pounds on my ass.....ugh. Seroquel, I love and hate you.