Saturday, February 6, 2010

Breakfast binge...Really?!

580 calories. And it's only 11 AM.

Good job, P.D. Way to effin' go. Fuck.

Last night, I drank alcohol. Not very much. Little vodka/fruit juice cocktail I made here at K's house. It was tasty, and highly caloric. Good thing it only took one glass to essentially put me to sleep. But before that, I had binged nearly all day. Probably about 2,100, total. Yeah. Fail much? No cardio. Just housecleaning. *sigh.*

This morning, I woke up and weighed myself. 132.8. Yeah. That means I've consistently gone up over the past three days. How much of that is water weight? How much is actual fat from all of the chocolate I ate yesterday?? The yogurt, the fruit, the bread? Two bowls of oatmeal? Three bowls of cereal? Milk? What was I thinking? I wasn't. I was eating because I'd been eating all day, and fuck it, I've already screwed up this entire day, there's no going back now...

Still. That was no reason to wake up this morning and continue. Why? I don't have an answer. I just wanted to eat. And eat more. And even after reading Della's *amazing* account of exercise euphoria (which inspired me beyond words, really, dear! :D) I still can't get myself off of this couch. Is it because this adorable three-year-old next to me won't be taking a nap until about 4 PM? Yes. Is it because my knee hurts for no reason, promising more pain each time I attempt to move it? Yes. Is it because I'm lazy and somehow exhausted and would apparently rather lie around in my own self-pity than get up and burn those disgusting calories? ...I'm done. You don't need to hear all that. No one does.

So. We return to the realization that it's All-or-Nothing Land here. That's where I live. I either restrict properly and lose the weight (and parts of my sanity) or I choose to try and eat an "appropriate" amount and feel like such a fatass that I begin to truly take on all other characteristics of an actual fatass (lack of motivation to exercise, total abandon of all responsibility concerning diet, bad choices of breakfast foods, including (but not limited to) fat-free ice cream and sugar-free pudding)...really?? It's like someone else lives here. This is not me.

I've gotten really used to enjoying the feeling of being the thinnest I've ever been. 131 felt great. I mean, physically. I felt like total dogshit mentally. YOU remember. Not pretty. Crying and shit. Yeah. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Confusion. Grief for events that have yet to occur. But I was getting thinner. Shouldn't that matter more than anything else?

Not when your life is less important than that of another. Not when this precious little embodiment of perfection is yours and yours alone to protect, to nurture, to love, to raise in this world, as goddamn scary a place as it is... She's my one call back to reality. Always has been. She keeps me from falling right off that cliff... I ...should be thankful. I should be grateful. She saves my life. Why am I not glad for that? Why do I not rejoice at the thought that I will always have someone to keep me from leaping full-on headfirst into this? ...for it would surely kill me if I let go and let it in...

Instead I am torn. I will always choose her over anything else. But the very small and very selfish part of me that wishes to destroy ...ME... It regrets my devotion to her. It asks for all of my soul and, in return, promises years of thin and agony and beauty and pain. My soul is already hers. I should be glad.

I'm done rambling. I need to figure out what I need. 132.8 makes me unhappy. But would 110 make me any happier? Would a BMI of 17 make me feel better about myself? Obviously not. Does that stop me? Something's trying to stop me. I feel it more than ever. And I'm fighting it...and I'm giving in at the same time. I can't do both. That's what's tearing me apart. Not knowing.

I just want to know.

EDIT: I thought this addition was worth..adding... :P But I didn't want to start a new post (I try not to post multiple times in a day, but it happens)...

So I just went running. It was good. Della, I thought of you. ;) I burned about 700 calories, but had to come back because K was watching the little one for me and he can only take so much of her shenanigans before she drives him crazy. Thing was, the binge that preceded that run tallied up to approximately 1,000 calories. Yeah. At least I got rid of some of it. A lot of it. That makes me somewhat happy.

You know what makes me fully happy? Catching a rear view of myself in K's full-length mirror fresh out of the shower...and seeing a *significant* reduction in the cellulite on my thighs and butt. YES!!! That NEVER happens!! I thought for sure it must just be good lighting, so I checked myself out in the bathroom too...And OMG, if it wasn't true! I know you may be thinking, "How could you be surprised by this? It's not like it happened overnight..." No, it didn't, but I tend to avoid looking at that entire area as much as I can. It's not pretty. was! :D

I know I've gone up about a pound over the last few days, but this...this is enough to chase away those blues, and motivate me further to keep it up. So I binged. It's what we do. Why? Because we're not perfect. But I can move on. I WILL MOVE ON. Starting two hours ago, when I pulled myself off this couch and went for that run.

Stay strong, my beauties, and stay lovely. <3


  1. Uhh...control. We all want it. It's never really here. I know that you are strong and a wonderful mother. Please just continue to write out your frustrations, instead of taking them out on yourself (I wish I could take my own advice).

    It doesn't have to be all or nothing, it can be part or something. Just try. Try to feel comfortable. Try to be a good role model for your daughter so she doesn't grow up viewing food as the thing that makes her mother miserable. It's food. It will always be here but we all have the CHOICE to eat moderately, healthfully, etc.

    I hope this is coming out right. I can relate to a lot of your words, hun. Just sending some support out to you.
    Hope school is going well.

    xo ~Sar~

  2. oh so proud honey! you're transforming yourself. how does it feel? the control you have over your body... Fantastic? wonderful? unbelievable? Thats what i want... I'm kinda glad for you, that you have your daughter to keep you grounded. her needs are always going to be more important than your desires for yourself... You're an excellent mother. An amazing rolemodel. :) Thankyou-love

  3. The control will come back, you know it and so do I =) You just have to reach that point where you are like "Fuck food".. I'm just like you, it's either black or white, starve or binge.. no happy medium (there's no such thing.. I'm a medium and so not freaking happy =P lol I thought I would just add that..)
    That is awesome that you were able to look in the mirror and see progress! That means you really have made huge progress, if you (disordered mind you) can SEE and ADMIT progress!
    Btw I was absolutely obsessed with Pugs and then I took the plunge and bought mine.. strange little creatures they are =P But uh a Pug and a small ish appartment is ok, they don't really need a lot of space.. Just a nice walk every day =) The vet bills can be expensive tho =/
    Chin up buttercup, the bingeosaurus will pass.. just hold onto that and maybe let this hunger thing run it's course?