Monday, February 15, 2010

Facing the ugly, inevitable truth...

Even after completely obliterating my entire insides with Ex-Lax and waiting til first thing in the morning to weigh... I am still...

1 3 4. 8.

(See how I spaced that? That's how slowly you're supposed to read it.)

134.8 is...I don't even know. I feel like I maybe have been hiding myself from the fact that all of my reckless, indulgent, disgusting bingeing would catch up with me. I wish I had thought to record the start of this downward spiral, so that maybe now I could look back and see how far I've fallen, and in what amount of time. I can guess at about two weeks.

Nearly a four pound gain in two weeks?

This is the kind of thing that could get ugly FAST.

You hear all the time these stories of people that lose a ton of weight and are doing great for themselves, and then something breaks in their perfect little prism of daily life and they suddenly find themselves thirty pounds heavier with nearly no recollection of how in the HELL it happened.


While I will not deny that it has been nice, at times, to be able to put something utterly forbidden and delectable in my mouth and enjoy every single savory second of eating it without guilt.... I will, at the very same time, say that right now, NONE of it seems worth it. Nothing tastes better than thin feels? I think the truth of that statement depends on the context, and the state of mental clarity or inner peace or turmoil in which one finds herself at any given moment. I say this because, obviously, had thin been better than that martini and chicken penne the other night, or the half-bag of sugar free chocolates I had yesterday, then wouldn't I have stopped after one bite, put down the food, and walked away thinking, "Man, I'm not even CLOSE to wanting any more of THAT shit, because being thin is MUCH better!"

But I didn't. Instead I pushed more and more down, down, down my throat and almost NONE of it came back up. I let it sit and fester within me, bubbling and gurgling as it digested, breaking down into sugar, sugar, sugar...too much sugar for my body to handle, more than my body needed, and so now...days is FAT. Purely disgusting, gelatinous mounds of fat. Four pounds is ...Ugh. It will take me a month to "healthily" undo this gain. Yeah. If I go that route.

I don't see myself going that route.

I think, somewhere in the backish middle of my mind, I have been waiting for this realization to come. Needing this morning, that number on the scale, that wake-up call, and I've been waiting for it, eating all the way here. It's like I've managed to completely lose all motivation and drive and perspective and now it's fighting, pushing through to try and show me that I can still have it back, just STOP DOING THIS to myself long enough to notice its return.

I could be making no sense whatsoever. I don't know.

Simply put, 134.8, AFTER laxatives, mind you...It's real. It's here. No water weight. That's all me. That's unacceptable.

I've been waiting for this gain, this behavior, to finally trigger me that sees this as utterly unacceptable. Waiting for the return of SENSE to my brain.

God, my stomach hurts. Fuck. One dose of laxatives would've worked, just would've taken longer. Impatience is often painful, though, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Umm...I should go. I first wanted to share this:

...because she makes all of this that much more bearable.

(She says "Mommy, can you look at this really quickly, please? I think these shoes you have fit me PERFECTLY!")

Big English dork that I am, I'm thinking, "Man, I'm really glad I've chosen to use correct (if often somewhat advanced) grammar with her since she was itty-bitty...Look at that three-year-old use her adverbs!"

Yes. I'm a big huge nerd. But I'm more than a little proud of it, so it's okay.

Yeah, I woke up forty-five minutes ago, figuring I'd get a head start on my day. Instead I've managed to sit on the couch for about half an hour, somehow, and spend at least fifteen in the bathroom, alternating between toilet and scale, toilet and scale, wishing and wanting and waiting for the number to change.

It doesn't, of course.

*sigh...* I'm making a change. I have no choice. I do, however, have a choice as to what kind of change is made. I know I must decide carefully.

Be well, my pretties, and as always, thank you so much for your wonderful, lovely comments. I can't ever thank you enough. <3


  1. She's absolutely adorable!! Definitely something to be proud of. :)
    You can do it.

  2. I've been in your situation so so so many times...eating then SUDDENLY hitting a weight and it's almost like someone turns a light on.

    I hope you're able to make the decisions carefully, looking forward to hearing what they are!
    Your daughter is so so so cute!! And she sounds intelligent!

    Thankyou for commenting on my blog by the way :)

    Lots of love Battle xx

  3. Firstly, your daughter is adorable, as usual. I'm a grammar nerd as well, and for a three year old to be that "on top", well, it makes me proud. *sniff*

    Ah, those cruel, stubborn numbers. How they rule us so completely.

    You know what? As you've told me time and time again, that's yesterday, that's an hour ago, that's a second ago, it's in the past, move forward. You are strong, beautiful, intelligent, and quite inspiring. Keep your chin up, beautiful, and strive on. You had your moment of blissful ignorance, and now it seems this terror has returned to it's full-throttle fury for you. But you can and will surpass it.

    Thank you for everything you are, you truly make my day every day.

    With love,

  4. 4 lb gain is nothing, you can fix that in no time hun =)
    Your daughter brought the HUGEST smile to my face, and pushed away the case of bitter-bitch that I am currently down with. And what you wrote about her after... too fucking cute. Pls give that little one an extra tight hug from me =)
    I really appreciated your comment on my last post btw.. Big time.

  5. i just went throug the same thing , gaining weight and then suddenly it hit me that i was getting fat agian. what matters is that you realized it in time to fix it before you got really far off.
    your daughter is sooo cute! my son used to walk around in my heels(better than i ever could).
    stay strong

  6. you can lose that 4lbs no problem! and your lil girl is freaking adorable!

  7. oh! she is the cutest little lady i have ever seen!

    thanks for your comment by the way...oh and i keep having those wake-up calls but it seems i fall asleep not too long after the alarm goes off...sigh....what to do.

    never give up! never give in!

    food hath no hold on us! :)

  8. awww that is the cutest pic ever! She is adorable.

    I hope you're feeling a little better now!


  9. Thank you for commenting on my blog :)
    Your daughter is SO SO SO sweet, and I even like the shoes hehe :)
    Many hugs xox