Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Serotonin overload. No, it's not a good thing. Not in the slightest.

I'm a zombie. I skipped class today for so many reasons, but at this point I can't even differentiate between the actual reasons and the justifications, the excuses.

I didn't want to go.
I feel nauseous.
I'm freezing.
I wasn't prepared, hadn't read.
The weather is total shit.
I was running late anyway.
I'm sick, and I can't stop coughing.
I haven't bought the book we were supposed to discuss.
My pupils are huge and my heart is fluttering, not in a good way.

Done complaining yet? GEEZ! You lovely ladies CERTAINLY did not come here to read my bitching and moaning. Or did you? ... If you did, that's awfully sweet of you, but it's not necessary. If I get too bad, just kick me in the shin or something.

I upped my Wellbutrin (SSRI) dosage to 300 mg a day from 150. Crazy, you might say? Not really. I've been prescribed that much in the past, I've just chosen to subsist on less for the past year or so. Lately, my depression has gotten so bad that I figured it couldn't hurt, right? And if it didn't work, then just go back to the lower dose.


Turns out it *can* hurt. My brain produces its own serotonin and dopamine, but doesn't keep it circulating in there long enough to keep me... normal? Happy? Whatever. It doesn't do what it's supposed to do. So my meds basically keep these lovely chemicals circulating longer, preventing (inhibiting) them from being reabsorbed until they've had their chance to fully affect me as they should. Does any of this make sense? :P There's a good chance that a great many of you are reading this and thinking, "Uh, duh, we already know what antidepressants do in the brain, thanks for the elementary lesson in stuff-we-don't-care-about." :P Well. Then. Moving on.

My thoughts are incredibly incongruous right now. Disjointed. Agitated. And I feel like I need to barf. But I won't. Maybe I will. It'll be the first time I've done so involuntarily since the last time I was wasted. Few weeks ago. *sigh...* I'm bothering even mySELF with the pointlessness of this post.

I wanted you guys to know that I've received and read your lovely comments, and have begun reading your blogs as well, but that for some reason, I can hardly bring myself to write here, as my mind is all a mess at this point in time, and so I have not commented when I feel I should have. FML. P.D. is no longer allowed to alter her brain chemistry to a harmful degree...or to any degree...

I'm leaving now.

I love you all.

Oh, and... 1400 calories yesterday, ON PURPOSE. Yeah, the healthy thing? New low weight this morning. 131.0.



  1. New low weight... awesome! I hope you're feeling better as the meds are wearing off. Coincidentally enough, I just took a psych test yesterday on antidepressants and brain chemistry. Oh what fun.

    Anyway. I hope you feel better soon!

  2. I'm thrilled for your new low weight! On top of anything else that isn't, at least THAT is going right!

    And, regarding reading/commenting blogs... Never worry about that. This is a community. No one expects anything of one another, we just appreciate the company. <3

  3. I just saw your comment on one of my older posts. Thanks! And I like finding people that are the same height as well. Probably for the reason that I can gauge everyone's goal weights. Some people say they're working hard to get under 100 and I think "thats crazy!" but then I see they're 4'11" and its not quite so crazy. I don't think theres any way I could be under 100 and not look hella sickly. I need to be a little realistic. LOL

    I was on Wellbutrin for a while, but it totally zombi-fied me out. I have ADD and depression and they tried killing two birds with one stone but it doesn't work like that.

    And congrats on the new low weight! Don't you just feel like banging your head against a wall sometimes when you eat a lot and lose weight, and then restrict like crazy and not budge a pound? GAH!

    Keep it up girly!

    stay brilliant!


  4. Last night I was trying to explain how SSRIs work to my mother. I wish I had read your ever so concise explaination before. :) snaps for your new low! I'm thinking of trying the whole "healthy eating" schtick.

  5. PHANTASMAGORICALLLLLLLLLLLL! Yes, actually I do enjoy listening to your bitches. You have mastered the art of bitching without being a bitch, and I would read it even if your entire post was a list of complaints.

    I would like to give advice on the zombified/drugs situation, but I don't know what I'm talking about, so I'll settle for lots of cyber-hugs.