It wants me to give up...warning: shitty toned post.

My first day of proper restriction, my first day back to feeling strong and motivated and inspired to undo what I've done over the past few weeks...

I went to bed famished last night, after a 1,000 calorie day (this is including about 500 calories of vegetables and light fruits in the afternoon around 4 - 5). My empty stomach pained me, and felt better than any sensation I've felt in ages. It promised a lower number this morning. Something lower. I wasn't expecting much. I was just expecting SOMEthing less than 136.6. Please.

My little angel woke me up 8 minutes before my 6 AM alarm sounded. I didn't mind; my thoughts flew to the scale. How well would it reward me for my restriction yesterday? What further motivation would it bestow upon me for today's continued adherence to the new plan? The anticipation was all I could take.

I could cry.

137.8?

1...37...point...8???!!!

What the mother FUCK!!! is wrong with me!?

*breathe*

I...I'm pretty practical, usually. I try to remind myself that there is no way I could have gained that weight, truly, considering what I ate (and did not eat) yesterday. Add to that the three or so miles I walked and shit...I was most DEFINITELY at a deficit last night at bed time. No question about it.

So what is it? Where is it? It must be stuck inside of me. Laxatives. I seized the beloved blue box and stared at what could and almost certainly would be guaranteed agony (to take place at school, I'm sure) in 4 - 6 hours.

I put them down.

FUCK me.

Seriously.

It must be water weight. It must be all those veggies. That's lots of fiber stuck in your system, just give it time. Why don't you just trying weighing every other day, instead? Or even once a week, like you used to back in the day...you know, when you were 'normal' and shit?

Then the other voice: (she always shows up eventually)

Water weight my ASS! YOU did this to yourSELF! You binged on strawberries and blueberries as SOON as you got home yesterday, AND ate those noodles with broccoli and tomatoes... You stopped counting just because they're vegetables? What the fuck is wrong with you? You did so well and then you RUINED it, you expect me to *reward* you for this? You expect to see a lower number after ONE day? You're fucking stupid, an ingrate, naive and pathetic! And then you had oatmeal this morning? You don't *deserve* to put ANYthing in that hateful mouth of yours, I will make SURE it goes straight to your cellulite covered ass, just to remind you of your place...

STOP...goddamnit, just stop! I've been asking for her, silently, to return to me, to restore my sense of purpose in life...

I just don't understand.

Why can't I ... I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

Just...WHY CAN'T I?

*sigh*

I'm sorry, my lovelies.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm so much closer to 140 again...I was SO freakin' close to 130...to seeing the 120s I haven't seen since my freshman year in highschool.

*Note: I realize how illogical and unreasonable it is to expect, at 23 and a mother, to weigh as much as a 15 year old girl. Doesn't stop me from wanting it, and pursuing it.*

She wants me to starve for the rest of the day. Live all day on this 200 calories, and then she will show me what I long to see.

SOMEthing lower.

I hope you all are well...I'm off to face 20 mph winds and probable snow and sleet...a 25 minute walk from my car to class in *that* kind of weather should burn off that oatmeal, huh?

God, I *am* pathetic.