Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It wants me to give up...warning: shitty toned post.

My first day of proper restriction, my first day back to feeling strong and motivated and inspired to undo what I've done over the past few weeks...

I went to bed famished last night, after a 1,000 calorie day (this is including about 500 calories of vegetables and light fruits in the afternoon around 4 - 5). My empty stomach pained me, and felt better than any sensation I've felt in ages. It promised a lower number this morning. Something lower. I wasn't expecting much. I was just expecting SOMEthing less than 136.6. Please.

My little angel woke me up 8 minutes before my 6 AM alarm sounded. I didn't mind; my thoughts flew to the scale. How well would it reward me for my restriction yesterday? What further motivation would it bestow upon me for today's continued adherence to the new plan? The anticipation was all I could take.

I could cry.



What the mother FUCK!!! is wrong with me!?


I...I'm pretty practical, usually. I try to remind myself that there is no way I could have gained that weight, truly, considering what I ate (and did not eat) yesterday. Add to that the three or so miles I walked and shit...I was most DEFINITELY at a deficit last night at bed time. No question about it.

So what is it? Where is it? It must be stuck inside of me. Laxatives. I seized the beloved blue box and stared at what could and almost certainly would be guaranteed agony (to take place at school, I'm sure) in 4 - 6 hours.

I put them down.

FUCK me.


It must be water weight. It must be all those veggies. That's lots of fiber stuck in your system, just give it time. Why don't you just trying weighing every other day, instead? Or even once a week, like you used to back in the day...you know, when you were 'normal' and shit?

Then the other voice: (she always shows up eventually)

Water weight my ASS! YOU did this to yourSELF! You binged on strawberries and blueberries as SOON as you got home yesterday, AND ate those noodles with broccoli and tomatoes... You stopped counting just because they're vegetables? What the fuck is wrong with you? You did so well and then you RUINED it, you expect me to *reward* you for this? You expect to see a lower number after ONE day? You're fucking stupid, an ingrate, naive and pathetic! And then you had oatmeal this morning? You don't *deserve* to put ANYthing in that hateful mouth of yours, I will make SURE it goes straight to your cellulite covered ass, just to remind you of your place...

STOP...goddamnit, just stop! I've been asking for her, silently, to return to me, to restore my sense of purpose in life...

I just don't understand.

Why can't I ... I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

Just...WHY CAN'T I?


I'm sorry, my lovelies.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm so much closer to 140 again...I was SO freakin' close to 130...to seeing the 120s I haven't seen since my freshman year in highschool.

*Note: I realize how illogical and unreasonable it is to expect, at 23 and a mother, to weigh as much as a 15 year old girl. Doesn't stop me from wanting it, and pursuing it.*

She wants me to starve for the rest of the day. Live all day on this 200 calories, and then she will show me what I long to see.

SOMEthing lower.

I hope you all are well...I'm off to face 20 mph winds and probable snow and sleet...a 25 minute walk from my car to class in *that* kind of weather should burn off that oatmeal, huh?

God, I *am* pathetic.


  1. You are NOT pathetic!!! You are beautiful, talented, and a fucking rockin' stranger-friend! You are my ally, and I will kick that mean, rude, vicious little voice back to whence it came, because you do not deserve it!

    [I'm being a hypocrite, ps, because I'm in the same situation. Ha.]

    Fruit and veggies aren't binges. They're healthy and delicious alternatives to all the shit food out there. You can eat them until you pass out, and you'll still be fine. You possess greatness, and you share it every time you post, whether you're in a good mood or not. But YOU rock, and YOU make my day everyday.

    Take care,

  2. your not pathetic at all!
    i know how hard it is sometimes to stay logical and ignore that voice in the back of your head but this is one of those times you just gotta tell that voice to fuck off.
    it is water weight.100 % it has to be water weight. hell, fiber is great for the system but a bitch on the scale. just give yourself a few days for the water to even itself out a bit. your a strong and beautiful woman.
    hang in there

  3. You are definitely not pathetic! Like the logical part of you knows, you did not mysteriously gain weight overnight.

    And I know what you mean--it doesn't make sense for me as a twenty six year old to think I should be the same weight as my 16 year old self. But I still think it.

    Take care of yourself.

  4. This is an experience I have a lot. I think I've got a good deficit of cals, then the next morning. No, no weight gone, or sometimes weight added. It is THE most frustrating thing. And I always get a similar voice after weighing. You're not alone!

    I hope you have a better day tomorrow!!

    Love Battle xxx

  5. The idea of Ana rewarding you for good work with a lighter weight... is for some reason some concept that's never actually crossed my mind. Like she's taking the weight off of you because you deserve it, as a gesture of appreciation and pride. That's weird, but it's blowing my mind right now. I've just never thought of it that way. Huh. But yeah, try and think logically. There's no way you actually gained that weight. Just keep going and it'll come right off. Keep on the fruits and vegetables and your system will flush itself out.

  6. It is most definitely the water weight/fiber bulk from those fruits and veggies. Whenever I eat just fruits and veggies the whole day, my stomach looks so puffy at the end of the day from all the fiber.

    Also, if your system is not used to a lot of fiber, it takes a few days for your digestion to figure out what to do with it. So that is another reason why you could be holding on to water.

    Do not freak out, this is just an artifact. (We love using that term, artifact, in medicine when a test displays something that is obviously incorrect. So I am using it here now). If you keep this up, you WILL see results in a few days. Just give it time.


  7. Everyone's said it already but I'll still say it again: you're definitely NOT pathetic!

    P.D please step aside while I shout at Ana. *&#^$*&^@#*$&^@#*$&^@#*&$^*@#&^$*$&%*$&%$*&^@#%$&^@#%$&^@#%$&^@#%$&^@#%$&@##$(*#&$^&#%$&#$

    (You know I don't like to personify those nasty voices, but this time I'm the one screaming at them!)

    Ana's the stupid one k, P.D? She can't tell the difference between healthy nutritious food and crappy junk because everything is just x number of calories to her.

    My physics teacher used to emphasize how mass is not equal to weight because mass is how much space an object takes up whereas weight is due to the gravitational force of attraction exerted on that body. Water weight does not result in an increase in your body mass. Which means your scale's telling you that you're fatter than you were yesterday when in reality, you're not!

    If your scale had a nose, it would be as long as Pinocchio's!

    *hugs P.D tightly*