Monday, February 8, 2010

Can't think of a witty title or anything...

Coffee just below the boiling point. Black. Zero calories. My friend.

Small Ziploc bag of apple slices and strawberries. Natural. Raw. Delicious. Also my friend.

The bagel shop where I purchased my coffee, filled with the aromas of hot, toasted breads and melting cheeses and the laughter of so many individuals who would think me a little crazy if they knew why I came here. For coffee? No one else here walks away with a cup of coffee...and nothing else. No, they are here for bagels covered in cream cheese and oozy butter and cinnamon and ooh, look, they even have pizza bagels, dripping with fatty deliciousness and covered in poor-little-piggie pepperoni. This place is not my friend, but I have conquered it. Score one for P.D.

I am restricting again, in case you haven't noticed. Not that I ever stopped completely; I don't think I could if I wanted to (and I don't want to). 1,000 calories today. I'd say that's reasonable. Healthy-ish. I can't gain this way. I know, I know, I've binged and I've failed to exercise daily, so my two or three pound gain isn't JUST due to eating more "healthily" (it's hard to tell exactly how much I've put on after last night's pasta and *gasp* sausage dinner, as most of it's probably still in me) Uuuuggh...

There's something weird in my perfectionist mentality that doesn't allow me to stop in the middle of a binge day and say, "Hey, stop this, you can prevent further damage by just quitting now. Why must you continue to stuff your face today? Why wait to start "anew" tomorrow?" Meh. It's just the way I work. I don't like it, really, but my attempts to change myself in that regard have hitherto been massive failures. Who knows... People DO change. Sometimes.

So today is good. I plan to get my ass to the gym and work off that nasty (but simultaneously delicious) dinner here in just a few minutes. I'm addicted to your blogs, though; I had to get online and see what everyone was up to before I packed up the ol' laptop and set out trudging through the rain to the gym. Yes, it's raining again. And gray. And gross. But me? I'm AWESOME! :P Awesome sauce. Because restricting feels so good. And you know, I think I'll attempt to make that my new rule for myself... Do what feels good. You know, within reason. Don't eat cheesecake because it feels good. Duh. :P But do what feels natural, day by day, rather than setting myself up with such a strict infrastructure of hardcore internal laws that will (if history is any indication) eventually weaken and crack and fall because it was never perfectly stable to begin with. If it feels right to restrict to 1,000 today, so be it. If, inside, deep down, it feels better to eat that banana at 9 PM, do it. I'm going to try this, and see where it takes me. Working on the mental side of my health a bit more. I'll letcha know how it works out. Ha, as if there was any doubt about that!

I wish I could kill food like Della. :P Girl, teach me that trick and I will be indebted to you FOR LIFE! Today, I was slicing up these apples and of course, my uncle has the godforsaken peanut butter sitting out on the counter in front of the cutting board. WTF? Like I'm supposed to be able to see that shit and pretend it's not there?! With APPLE SLICES in my hand, no less?? I scooped a finger-full out and slathered it on a bit of apple. Stared at it. Foodstalked it. Then ate it. Closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the amazing wonderfulness that is peanut butter on apples. Then closed the jar and walked away. I think that was perhaps a mini-feat all its own, no?

I look forward to my run, but my knee does not. I really ought to have it checked out. My uncle, who's had two knee replacements and multiple foot/leg surgeries thinks it must be my meniscus. I don't know what it is, but it feels like there's no cushion whatsoever inside my knee, like every step is just grinding those bones harder and harder against one another. Ugh. When I run enough, and ignore it, it's possible to pretend the pain doesn't exist. But I know I'm only doing damage there, and that thought isn't pleasant. I can't be laid up. Can't afford to be any more sedentary than I already feel I am.

Off to the gym I go. Perhaps I'll set up an appointment with the doctor to check out my knee. Meh. I hope you ladies are well, and that your week goes as swimmingly as my morning has so far. <3


  1. Get that knee checked out before it gets worse missy!

    Thats an order!


    I know how you feel when you were saying you can't stop in the middle of a binge. Whats worse, I HAVE that voice telling me "STOP! Stop! Quit while you're ahead!" but I just ignore it and push on through. UGH I disgust myself.

    Good job resisting slathering that apple in PB. If I had my way with it it would end up being more peanut butter than apple by the end, most likely. HA

    But yeah....get that knee checked out!



  2. Sounds like life is treating you well, except for your poor knee :( More importantly, it sounds like you are treating yourself well. 1000 calories is a great improvement! I'm trying to listen to my body's cues on comfortable eating, but when it tells me to finish off the quart of sugar-free ice cream at 8 in the morning, I start to distrust my body's judgement.

  3. I glas you are working on making your mental health better. 1000 calories a day is really great. I think I'm actually quite a bit over that and I have pretty much had the same weight for the last year. Bar a few lower not that long ago but it's back to normal. I figure if I don't eat, I'll binge and since I don't/can't purge, which I wouldn't do anyway, I would end up huge.

  4. Loving the positiveness of this blog!! Spread the joy!! God knows we need it!!! xxxx

  5. I did a little dance in my head when I saw you use hitherto in a sentence.
    So many kinds of awesome.
    If your joints are getting in the way of running, you can always try swimming. I find that kicks my ass way more than running.


  6. ooo knees are a sensative area... well, when running and exercisse is concerned, i deifintely reccoment getting it healled up prioritised over other stuff... i had a bad knee for a while, and it had me limping around for weeks... awful, anyway, earlier the better
    and yay for listening to your body!! cheescake understandably is an exception to the rule, but very good to hear.
    my stop in the middle of a binge voice is quite distinctive... it has this deperate/hopless tone to it... like it knows im going to keep eating but it would much prefer i stopped and it usually manages to slow me down but thats about it...

  7. damn... i should spell check... nevermind :P

  8. Dear P.D. whom I love so dearly,


    (That was a big fat tackle-hug from me, in case you didn't notice.)

    I think you are being very sensible about your restricting. And as for killing foods... I have no idea how the hell I did that! All I know is the idea of eating cereal is now about the same as eating toes or something. it just doesn't fit in right with my brain. But I would gladly kill your food for you if I could!

    Merrf. I want to write you a long and rambly comment that will make you smile, but unfortunately I have papers to outline and rough drafts to write and conjugations and proofs and lab reports to do, so the sprawling comment will have to wait.

    Love, Della

    P.S. Get that knee checked out, girl!

    P.P.S. I'm having fun trying to think of names that start with -Ka. I've officially decided that your name is Kara. Heeheehee

  9. P.D.'s Score: 328403204 Peanut Butter's Score: 0.
    Way to go with putting that stuff away after one bite!! Oh, the will power :)

    I hope your knee feels better! I agree with the others... get it checked out. My knees suck and it keeps me from being active and it really is frustrating. I'd hate for that to happen to you!

    I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow! <3

  10. great job with the peanutbutter! You are a stronger woman then I :) I know what you mean about the restricting feeling so good. I think that's what other people don't get...that it actually feels right to us. good luck little lady and I hope the knee feels better!!