Can't think of a witty title or anything...

Coffee just below the boiling point. Black. Zero calories. My friend.

Small Ziploc bag of apple slices and strawberries. Natural. Raw. Delicious. Also my friend.

The bagel shop where I purchased my coffee, filled with the aromas of hot, toasted breads and melting cheeses and the laughter of so many individuals who would think me a little crazy if they knew why I came here. For coffee? No one else here walks away with a cup of coffee...and nothing else. No, they are here for bagels covered in cream cheese and oozy butter and cinnamon and ooh, look, they even have pizza bagels, dripping with fatty deliciousness and covered in poor-little-piggie pepperoni. This place is not my friend, but I have conquered it. Score one for P.D.

I am restricting again, in case you haven't noticed. Not that I ever stopped completely; I don't think I could if I wanted to (and I don't want to). 1,000 calories today. I'd say that's reasonable. Healthy-ish. I can't gain this way. I know, I know, I've binged and I've failed to exercise daily, so my two or three pound gain isn't JUST due to eating more "healthily" (it's hard to tell exactly how much I've put on after last night's pasta and *gasp* sausage dinner, as most of it's probably still in me) Uuuuggh...

There's something weird in my perfectionist mentality that doesn't allow me to stop in the middle of a binge day and say, "Hey, stop this, you can prevent further damage by just quitting now. Why must you continue to stuff your face today? Why wait to start "anew" tomorrow?" Meh. It's just the way I work. I don't like it, really, but my attempts to change myself in that regard have hitherto been massive failures. Who knows... People DO change. Sometimes.

So today is good. I plan to get my ass to the gym and work off that nasty (but simultaneously delicious) dinner here in just a few minutes. I'm addicted to your blogs, though; I had to get online and see what everyone was up to before I packed up the ol' laptop and set out trudging through the rain to the gym. Yes, it's raining again. And gray. And gross. But me? I'm AWESOME! :P Awesome sauce. Because restricting feels so good. And you know, I think I'll attempt to make that my new rule for myself... Do what feels good. You know, within reason. Don't eat cheesecake because it feels good. Duh. :P But do what feels natural, day by day, rather than setting myself up with such a strict infrastructure of hardcore internal laws that will (if history is any indication) eventually weaken and crack and fall because it was never perfectly stable to begin with. If it feels right to restrict to 1,000 today, so be it. If, inside, deep down, it feels better to eat that banana at 9 PM, do it. I'm going to try this, and see where it takes me. Working on the mental side of my health a bit more. I'll letcha know how it works out. Ha, as if there was any doubt about that!

I wish I could kill food like Della. :P Girl, teach me that trick and I will be indebted to you FOR LIFE! Today, I was slicing up these apples and of course, my uncle has the godforsaken peanut butter sitting out on the counter in front of the cutting board. WTF? Like I'm supposed to be able to see that shit and pretend it's not there?! With APPLE SLICES in my hand, no less?? I scooped a finger-full out and slathered it on a bit of apple. Stared at it. Foodstalked it. Then ate it. Closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the amazing wonderfulness that is peanut butter on apples. Then closed the jar and walked away. I think that was perhaps a mini-feat all its own, no?

I look forward to my run, but my knee does not. I really ought to have it checked out. My uncle, who's had two knee replacements and multiple foot/leg surgeries thinks it must be my meniscus. I don't know what it is, but it feels like there's no cushion whatsoever inside my knee, like every step is just grinding those bones harder and harder against one another. Ugh. When I run enough, and ignore it, it's possible to pretend the pain doesn't exist. But I know I'm only doing damage there, and that thought isn't pleasant. I can't be laid up. Can't afford to be any more sedentary than I already feel I am.

Off to the gym I go. Perhaps I'll set up an appointment with the doctor to check out my knee. Meh. I hope you ladies are well, and that your week goes as swimmingly as my morning has so far. <3