Monday, February 1, 2010

How am I falling apart right now??

I feel like crying.

That sentence is probably one of the more common thoughts going through any number of our minds at any given point during the day (or night), as what we're experiencing is more painful than words can convey...

But I've done this to myself.

All of it.

More immediately, I've chosen to sit down today near the cafeteria on campus, pull out my laptop after finishing my salad, and Google "complications of anorexia."

It's not like I've never done it before. It's not like I'm not acutely aware of what this is doing to my body. You just shut it out, you ignore it, you pretend those consequences don't exist, or that it won't ever happen to you, or that it won't matter when it does because at least you'll be thin...

110. That's my UGW? That's just underweight for some at 5'7. 118, I believe, is the lowest "they" say I should go. Whatever.

Twenty more pounds? From where, everyone asks? Everyone being anyone I decide to tell about my goals...Which is fewer and fewer these days. Twenty more pounds of fat from ass and thighs and love handles...Not much from anywhere else. My upper body is doing an excellent job at showing my bones, and I'm grateful. I just wish I wasn't so disproportionate.

Heart failure. I read the words and I KNOW that it's the leading cause of death in women with ANY psychological disorder... God. I don't need this right now!!

Or I? God damn it, I can't sit here and start crying right in the middle of the goddamned cafeteria!! Heart failure. My daughter, left without me, alone in the world. She doesn't fucking have ANYONE ELSE!!! I'm so fucking stupid. I don't know why I'm even writing all of this...mostly because I feel so alone and I just want someone who completely understands me to hug me and let me hide my face in their neck and cry so that no one can see me.

There's no one like that here. The lump in the back of my throat is pushing up, joining the hot flush of my cheeks, my eyes are watery and I'm sitting here scared to death of myself.

Am I this out of control? Aren't I destined for more than this? Is this obsession, the control I crave and love and NEED, is it going to be the end of me? I want to grow old with K and my little girl and the children we're supposed to have together... When's the last time you saw a 70 year-old anorexic sitting in her rocking chair with her husband and grandchildren, loving life and memories and baking Christmas cookies and FUCK!! There's nowhere on this godforsaken campus I can go right now to cry this out, and I need to. I can't choke it back.

ALL I DO IS STARVE. Count calories and obsess about food and how I don't want it, and even on the occasions now where I DO want it, Ana steps forward from the shadows and reminds me of everything toward which I am working, and I am suddenly satisfied with water, or I go exercise instead, until I am weak and faltering and doing my best just to make it to my car before passing out in the gym... What did I think about all day, before? What sorts of thoughts and inspirations and contemplations occupied my mind, before it was always always always about my body? Even now, these tiny girls walk past me, beside me, and I compare, constantly compare, and the depression I hide behind a weak smile isn't allowed to come out here, and I'm freezing and my nails are blue and I feel like breaking down, all out of nowhere...

My daughter. She's so perfect and precious and the thought of her innocent little smile and that laugh that's so free, so wonderful; nothing in this WORLD can make me forget about EVERYthing in an instant the way that laugh can.

What will she do without me? When I whittle myself down to nothing and I lie motionless, a skeleton, in a hospital bed at 30... She'll be in highschool, hating me because I've killed myself, and she's alone...


I have to go. I don't even know why I do this. Will it even matter? Later today, tonight, tomorrow, when I've regained my strength and remembered my cause and Ana has reassured me that none of these horrible things will happen to me, where will I be then?

No one can help me.
God, this hurts.


  1. Don't you hate that horrible feeling of being pushed two directions. One to get skinny and follow your ED and two to be at a size you may not be happy but live a life without ana and be happy. I think this is one of the things that nearly every single person with an ED faces at one point or another. Do I continue this or not. The problem is though, it's not so much the problem of continuing, more how the fuck do you stop it. My ED obsessions are now so strong I can't turn them off and have now been going strong for 4 1/2 years. It sucks. I don't know if I can every be 'normal'. I am fighting it but I don't want to be fat either. The photo of your little girl is so cute and is that you in the second pic? You two look so happy together. Hang on to that. I am thinking of you. I have been in your place (not with a child but with my partner) and so I know how hard to is to deal with those opposing thoughts and it just hurts so much. *hugs*

  2. I don't mean to guilt you. Guilt is a driving factor in eating disorders. But it must be said that I am the child of a woman with binge-eating disorder. I know she loves me; that has never been in doubt. But other than her love, my mother's legacy to me has been an obsession with weight and a depression that I can't shake. It takes a toll.
    My mother and I suffer together, each of us pretending we're fine, trying to hide our problems from one another.
    I wish for you to be healthy. I wish for your little girl to be healthy.
    If you need me, I always check my email and my blog comments.
    Much love and many prayers,

  3. I wish I understood all of this. The drive, the pain, the joys, the is all so mixed up when you have an ED. I agree with Sarah, the problem is "how the fuck do you stop it"? I wish I had something to tell you that would make it better but I haven't eaten a thing all day and I'm feeling proud as hell of myself for that.

    Just know that you are not alone. We are all in this together.

    Hold on.


  4. I wish I had the answers to give you.
    A simple solution that would make everything okay.
    But I dont.
    And I dont think there is one.
    Life is too amazingly beautiful for that.

    Your daughter is beautiful, and so are you.

    Keep fighting.
    Its your choice as to what you fight for,
    but everyone should fight for something.

    Fight for your daughter.
    Fight for K.

    Or fight for yourself.
    The little bit of sanity that Ana brings.

    From the outside it may seem selfish to pick the latter, but really, its incredibly hard not to.

    You are strong.
    You can do whatever you choose to do.

    Love, Andy

  5. I wish that I could be there for you, I wish that I could be the person that you hug and fall apart to. I am so sorry that you feel so utterly alone when it comes to this.
    Maybe, just maybe... you could stay healthy instead? Maybe you could eat a little, and exercise a little... and force Ana back into the shadows? Maybe...
    We all do this for happiness, and acceptance.. and numerous other reasons.. But those exact same reasons are why you shouldn't be doing this.
    Man oh man you're in a tough spot. I wish that I could just help you out... Email me I have both MSN and Yahoo - I prefer msn.. my email is the one on my blog Send me your MSN name and I'll add you.
    Chin up hun.

  6. Dear Phantasmagorical,

    You're right, I can't really help you. I can't make your decisions for you. But I can tell you that

    1) You are beautiful
    2) You are amazingly nice and caring
    3) Your daughter is beautiful
    and 4) You aren't alone.

    I wish you could be healthy and happy. And yes, that is what's best for your daughter. But it's not that easy. There is no "off" button.

    Look at everyone who has commented. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.

    Love and hugs,

  7. I wish you health and happiness. I wish you balance, in whatever form that is for you. Nothing feels as good as feeling good! And I hope you can live in a way that makes you feel good.

    Mentally sending you positive energy.
    Always here for you, doll.

  8. i feel so much hate for my mum. not because of her eating disorder, but because she never thought about how it might affect me, because she always thinks about her first and hasn't ever been there for me the way I've need her to be. But you have your daughter on you mind all the time I can tell. You love her, and more than anything else, you're conscious of what affects her and I know you'd be willing to die for her, even to face feeling ugly for her. You'll always be beautiful, you'll always have your daughter, K, and us. Theres nothing left to prove to me, I love you just for loving you daughter the way you do
    that she and he many people who love you cann be the most beautiful things about you
    I can only pray that the awful lonliness wanes and the trapped feeling dies. all my love-BlAnCh