Wednesday, February 10, 2010

So I stood there in line at the bagel shop...

...and told myself I was only going to have fat-free yogurt and coffee. 130 calories. Pretty much what I always get at that place, if I do get food at all. My count was up to 300 by lunch time already, so yogurt would have been juuuuuust fiiiine...

Power bagel. Yep. They fool you with names like that. You know why? Because I'm about to go work out, and I felt weak, and slightly dizzy, and tired, of course, as I hadn't had my caffeine today AT ALL.

Power bagel. Fruit & Nut Power bagel. That's what the little label said. Considering how I was feeling and my imminent workout, it seems impossible to ignore the fact that I was positively PRIMED for this bagel to come along and tempt me...I mean, honestly.

It sounded like someone else's voice, far, far away, when I ordered it. With reduced fat honey almond schmear, of course, because that's only 70 calories when, as we all know, butter is more than twice that amount.

I ate it. It was wonderful. It was warm and chewy and carby. Just what I was craving. I sit here now, in my non-dizziness, reading your lovely blogs and contemplating how, just a few weeks ago, I would have loved the hell out of that dizziness. I would've swooped that hungry dizziness right up in my skinny little arms and cuddled and coddled it, making cutesy cooing noises at the dizziness, because I LOVE it.

What has happened to me? Why on Gaia's green Earth would I go and KILL my fuzzy little friend, Dizzy? Dizzy meant success. You're doing it right. You're hungry and you're denying yourself sustenance and you will see such an encouraging loss on the scale tomorrow, just as long as you keep up the good work. Power bagel, indeed.

Good thing is, I have time and energy to go work it off. 380 calories, plus the 70 for the topping...I can do that in about an hour. Easy. So what's the problem? Working out sans bagel would have been burning off my breakfast instead, that's the problem. Sigh...It bothers me quite a bit that this *doesn't* feel like a big deal. It should.

Why am I fighting to keep Ana around? Why? Shouldn't I be grateful for her diminished control over my life? Shouldn't happiness and freedom be taking her place in my mind, healthful thoughts inhabiting space that once held such fear and chaos and hate? I...don't know what's going on.

The warmth and weight of the coffee in my already full belly makes it hard to picture myself sweating off the poundage on that treadmill right about now. The thought of the cold rain outside and mercilessly whipping wind in my face is also hovering here, right above my head, whispering that I can always work it off...when? Later? Later when I have no time? FUCK you, asshole laziness temptation! I may just run an extra mile to spite the side of me that even dares imagine letting this bagel make me fat(ter). Yes, I am insane. Just clarifying.

I'm ecstatic about the growing number of you lovely followers, you. That makes me happy. Thank you. <3

On the bright side, 133.0 this morning. Now, that's not a good number when compared with my all-time low of 131 a couple weeks ago, but it *is* down from yesterday, and the day before that. And yesterday was a no-work-out-bingey day. I'm giving almost all credit to the makers of Ex-Lax on this one...can't say I did anything to deserve a loss of .2 lbs. Meh...I will today. I will.

880 is where I stand now. 1,200 is my goal for today. I'm pretty worried that I'm not worried. Ugh...Why was I born crazy? Huh? Would it feel better to be normal? If I were 'normal,' whatever that is, I would never have found all of you beautiful people, so I guess I truly wouldn't be better off.

Now I'm just rambling. I should go. To do...something. I paid for this coffee, and I feel I should finish it, but it's making me sleepy. Could be the fact that little B woke me up at least seven times last night coughing, feverish, refusing to take her little capful of Baby Tylenol...Yeah. That could be sleepy-feeling-inducing, too.

Love you!!!!!! Stay lovely, my skinnies. <3


  1. Thank you for your comment on my blog... I needed that. I am still feeling shitty, but your words brought me a smile and some confidence... I hope you are right and I THANK YOU for your belief in me <3

    I've been reading your blog and I think you are brilliant. You are a wonderful writer and your art and pictures are really great :) And you look SO MUCH THINNER than your height/weight ratio suggests!! You look TONS thinner than me!! Your thighs look so little and you look like you have no hips at all in your pictures!! Your measurements and stats CANNOT be right :P

    You're amazing. Thank you :)

  2. May I take this moment to remind you that 1,200 calories is still 800 calories LESS than a "normal" (fat) person is "supposed" to eat in a day.

    So, in my book, You Win. Even with the Power Bagel.

  3. Hey PD, I'm glad you like reading my blog still. I was worried I'd lose followers when I started eating so damn much and stopped weighing myself. But I've actually gotten tons of followers, comments, and support. I hope you'll be ok with eating a single, healthy bagel to fuel your workout. Every day I hear the siren song of self-denial. But purging has always been my poison. Ahh, bump this mess! Or as the Bard wrote, "To thine own self be true."

  4. all those girls have their cellulite and stretch marks photoshopped, so you prob. resemble them more than you think ;)

  5. Look on the plus side: you're still going to lose weight, but without those icky "omg I just ate a bagel, please shoot me in the face!" thoughts.

    Because Dreams.And.Bones is right; 1200 calories is what most women aim for to LOSE weight.

    Love & squishy huggles,