I can't put my finger on it quite yet, but over the past few weeks I've experienced what I'm beginning to term, in my mind, an enormous shift of purpose. I can't tell yet in what direction i'ts taking me, but if the past few days are any indication, it's nowhere good. :(
Restriction has always been my forte. Sure, I have binge days. That's relatively normal, up until a point. There was a short, glorious period of time during which I wanted nothing to do with food and all of its horrific calories...I was just fine with subsisting on the bare essentials, and it was lovely. Didn't last long, of course. That'd be too good to be true.
No, lately, things have been changing. I've been eating a ton more (or what feels like a ton more) and exercising less and somewhere along the way, my drive to keep going, my will to starve, is fading. I'm not comfortable with this. I know it would be more than prudent of me to roll with this, take it as a chance to seek out recovery, wherever it may be hiding, but I just...can't. I'm not ready.
The c&s shit has gotten out of hand, and fast. I am able to admit this, and I'm not at all proud of it (who would be?)...but even as I recognize it as a problem, I am not yet taking mental steps to stop myself from getting worse. I used to use it whenever I felt like bingeing but was conscious enough to spit before swallowing, and it saved me quite a few calories on numerous occasions. Now...Well, now I do it so much that it's interfering with my thoughts at home and at school: I think about what I can c&s next, at home, or at school, hiding in the bathroom and waiting for everyone to leave so I have some privacy... I'm actually spending extra money on binge food only to spit, and this is happening multiple times throughout the day and night. Not...good...at all. What's worse? I'm progressing to the point of saying fuck the spitting part...Eating feels so goddamned good...I want to swallow this stuff. Of course I can't let it get me fat. Next logical step? Purge that shit. Right? Wrong.
I know I'm walking a fine line here. I know this is more dangerous than I can even comprehend. I've made a promise to myself and to K that I will not let bulimia take a hold of me...and yet here I stand, at the precipice of something so enticing and so harmful...even deadly...I read all of your wonderful blogs and I see the pain that so many of you endure daily, the misery bulimia has brought you. How is this not enough to push me far, far away from even considering this? I HAVE to talk myself out of this...and I need to figure out a way back to hard restriction, reduce the c&s cycle til it's gone completely. My mouth has even begun to feel a little tender when I eat due to the constant, rapid chewing and pushing out of food..mostly sugary, baked items. Shit I'm not allowed to have.
Fuck, I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I really am. I can just picture some random stranger finding my blog, reading this with absolutely no understanding of the mental and emotional anguish behind the disorder itself...Thinking to themselves in disdain and condescension of my weakness, my stupidity, my obvious innate desire to hurt myself. No shit, sherlock. That's what it all comes down to; I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I deserve to be punished, to feel pain, and I long for it, because at least this pain serves to mask all of the unending suffering I won't ever escape, the internal, eternal torment of my past and present...
God, P.D., breathe.
I sit here at school, after class, with two large, saran-wrapped slices of store-bought cake (one chocolate and one carrot) sitting in my backpack, neatly wrapped up in the plastic bag in which they came. I stare down at them. I need them. I want that food in my mouth, in my throat, in my stomach, and then I will hate myself. The hate for the fat that they would add to my thighs will propel me into the nearest bathroom, or even my bedroom, wherever I can be alone and not overheard...And I will fail to get all of it up because I suck at purging, and my mascara will run a little bit and I'll pull my hat down further over my forehead to hide the bloodshot glaze of my eyes...I have the power to stop this binge from occurring. In reality, I know that I have the power to stop Mia from entering my life...I just...have to find it. I have to find this strength. It's not okay for me to break, not here, not with this.
Thank you for reading, lovelies... <3
EDIT: Add-on...8:46 PM: So...I binged, right? But...as fail as that is...I promised Della (and myself) I wouldn't purge. I'm so sorry, Della...and everyone else. I purged half my dinner. Half. Before I came to my senses and pulled myself back from the edge, yet again. And here I sit, feeling so fat and ugly and foolish and HUGE...Yeah, cuz I binged again. F-u-c-k. You can't see how much it hurts from the outside...it's stretching my insides to their limits. Ugh. End edit.
Hold on just a second. Don't do anything rash. I'm writing you a long comment right now.
ReplyDeleteLove, Della
Dear, darling P.D.:
ReplyDeleteFirst things first: repeat after me. "Bulimia is hell."
Got that?
If Mia were a person, she'd be a two-faced lying bitch. First she says "Eat! It will make everything better!" So you do. And it isn't better. And then she says, "You idiot, why did you eat? Throw up!" And so you do, and it still isn't better.
Some people think bulimia is an easy way out, and in some ways it is. You get to eat. A lot. But it's not easy, at all. You feel like shit all the time. You hate yourself. You're just trying to eat food, end you wind up swallowing a heck of a lot of guilt in the mix. You try to just throw up the food, but somehow your self-worth winds up in the toilet, too. And you might as well leave your dignity outside the bathroom door, because you certainly don't need it when your face is in the toilet.
Of course, you know all this already. I'm not really telling you anything new. But it's kind of like you telling me that you're going to a movie. However, I know from experience that it's a horrible movie, and the movie theater staff makes me come see it every single day. I'd be a pretty crappy friend if I didn't tell you, right? So I've seen the bulimia movie, and it sucks. You could, of course, decide to see it anyway, and we'd probably go together every day so we could at least be together in our crappy-movie misery. But wouldn't it be better if you skipped the movie and found a different one?
Which brings me to another point: running down the road of bulimia is NOT the way to recovery. Sure, you eat more and you most likely won't end up in the hospital with a BMI of 14, but it's just another face of Mr. ED.
I completely understand what you mean when you say so much of your day is spent planning your next C&S escapades. I spend so much of my life thinking, "I want to be alone so I can eat and throw up. Please everyone, go away. I need to eat, I need to puke, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I NEED FOOD!" I spend so much time eating, puking, and feeling fat and worthless that those things called "living" and "friends" kind of fall by the wayside.
I want you to be okay, P.D. dear. I want you to be able to eat when you want, but without compulsions, work out to stay fit but not because you HAVE to, and be happy and love your pretty little girl and LIVE! But as I seem to remember telling you once before, eating disorders don't have an "off" button. You will have to decide and take a stand.
Oh, and you're probably wondering why I'm telling you this, yet I'm still watching my bulimia movie? Because, as you know already, it's addicting. And I am oh-so-stuck. Remember when I told you that the first time I purged, I said it was only for emergencies? Well, that seems to be about where you are. And I do not want you to slip off the same edge I did, and the day you email me to say you just chugged a cup of hot chocolate for the express purpose of throwing up (which I do with alarming frequency, just to make myself feel better), I will cry, because I love you muchly and I don't want you to do this to yourself.
And now the most important point: YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED. I do not care what you say, you are a great person, you are incredibly caring; you are beautiful, wonderful, and fantastic. Can you please try to think about that? I know it won't be easy. I don't know what exactly you're talking about when you mention the "eternal torment of you past." But could you please try to remember that I think you're okay?
(Hold on... ran out of space in the comment box. Second section coming soon.)
(Second part of comment)
ReplyDeleteNow, considering that it's been an hour since I started reading and writing this, I don't know what you did about the cake. But if you haven't eaten it, could you try something for me? Take the cake home and split a piece of it with your daughter, or your boyfriend. Try-try-try to enjoy it just for the moment. Then try-try-try to put it away. Okay. Now you've eaten it. You are all done. The cake's fifteen minutes of fame are all over, and you don't need to let it occupy your thoughts for the rest of your day.
I don't know what other advice to give you. I wish I didn't feel like such a hypocrite for telling you not to do the things I do every day. In exactly 20 days, I have a dentist appointment in which it is very likely that I will be found out, and I will land in a lovely pile of horse shit. And yet I have no desire to stop—I don’t know if I could stop, honestly—and I am probably setting myself up for a lifetime of eating disorders, stupidity, and heart problems. I wish I could be telling you this as a happily recovered bulimic. But can you take this as advice from someone who IS there right now, and cares about you veryvery muchly?
Also, I’m (obviously) no expert on anorexia or EDNOS, but I think you know they’re no picnic either. Literally. I’m just telling you what I know.
Stay lovely, you wonderful person.
<3
Della
Oh, damn. I'm not psychic after all. The little picture that shows up when you follow someone used to have your real name on it... now it doesn't... but that explains how I figured it out!
ReplyDeleteHope you're doing okay-ish
Della
Sooo... for my fifth comment today...
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right about my teeth. They don't seem to be in bad shape at all; I'm just a wee bit paranoid. Currently I'm in a strange mix of moods: the WE'RE DOOMED! mood, the fuck-it-all-to-hell mood, and the Insanely Hyper and Giggly mood. Picture a panicking second grader, and yeah, that'd be me.
Baby steps... that's the way to do it. I must say, I'm honored that you're promising me not to purge. I could get out some pom-poms and cheerlead for you, if you'd like? Although I can't dance, at all, so you might just die laughing, which would defeat the purpose.
xoxoxo Della
P.S. I didn't know you're already diagnosed! Must have missed that post somehow... anyway, I don't think you have to be the stereotypical anorectic to "qualify," as long as you've been diagnosed. You're just an anorectic in a food romance =D
Oh, and I know exactly where I'd be without you: a flippin' raving lunatic.
How did I let this comment turn into a massive novel again?
I'm so sorry mia is tormenting you like this :'( I too have had trouble with her in the past, so I understand the allure and the torture. I really hope you feel better.
ReplyDeleteStay strong <3
Wow. Della wrote some really powerful stuff. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess the most profound thing I could say in addition to that would be "ditto".
I have not purged once in my life. It has been a tempting offer, but when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. I thought about all the posts from all the other girls who, like Della, have a miserable existence with Mia. Even through all the self hatred, I still have a tiny thread of a sense of self-preservation, and I know its not something I want to get into. I hope you can find that self-preservation too, and know that you are amazing and awesome person. I hope you know it just isn't worth getting into. Love yourself more than that....you are SO worth it. I hope you can find the strength to say no to Mia, and the courage to tell us about it because no matter what, we all support you 100%. xx
much love,
Emily
I also totally suck at purging and I'm so glad about that. I don't want to let that take me over. I'm glad Della said all she did, but I am just more worried about you. I hope you're okay hun. I'm sorry you're being tormented like this. I hope you're okay! Be gentle with yourself!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah