Friday, February 19, 2010

He got joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller He got hair down to his knee Got to be a joker he just do what he please...

So I weighed myself this morning. After all of the sugar free chocolates I've had over the past few days, I shouldn't be surprised to see a gain, right? I mean, those things are FULL of saturated fat. Sugar free does NOT mean they're anywhere close to okay. Damn it.


Highest since the awful weeks of Xmas vacation. How have I let myself get to this point? I ask over and over again, but I'm only answered with an eerie silence, as if there's no one home.

I stood in front of my bedroom mirror last night, eating a handful of pretzel crisps. I was eating because I was anxious, and I was upset, and I was bothered, and I've begun medicating myself with food (over the past few weeks) for some ungodly reason. THIS is why I'm getting fat. I have fallen to a new low. I pulled out a pair of size 9 jeans I had tucked away because they had finally gotten too loose on me. They were too big to wear any longer, even with a belt. I remember putting them away, feeling triumphant, loving the fact that all of my hard work had delivered me to a size size closer to that 5...then 3... But no. I pulled on the size 9 jeans...and nearly cried. They fit...snugly.

What the fuck am I doing to myself? The scale tells of a 5 pound gain, and yet I feel tons larger. I've missed out on exercising for nearly two weeks now, mostly due to my knee injury, but fuck...that's no excuse. I could be doing SOMEthing, I could be. Pain is only pain. This is not worth it.

So back to my mirror, back to those pretzels, back to the hand to mouth motion that seemed to exist only in a hazy dreamland...I wasn't present, I wasn't tasting them, I wasn't even focusing on the hateful image reflected in that glass...I was numb, quiet, completely still, aside from the hand, mouth, chew, swallow, all of it very slow and robotic...and it hit me. There's a disconnect here. I'm staring at my failure, and it's staring back at me, and I'm eating EVEN AS I SEE MYSELF gaining, DAILY, seemingly exponentially, I'm still overeating, and eating foods I KNOW are forbidden (and for good reason). I realized it, then...I'm failing to see the overeating as the cause for the weight gain. I'm eating like it doesn't matter, like that's not the reason I'm getting fat again. I'm chewing and swallowing like an animal, without enjoyment, without thought, grazing carelessly and yet going insane on the inside... My mind is refusing to acknowledge the truth of the matter, it's pretending that this gain *must* be the result of something else, my depression, my anxiety, my injury, my ...whatever...but NO! It's NOT.

It's right there. The fucking food in your hand, in your mouth, and no one's putting it there but YOU. Then the question comes, "Why don't you hate being fat anymore? And more importantly, where has your passion for being THIN gone?"

It's like it doesn't exist anymore. I look at my thighs and of course I'm not happy, but I'm not hating what I see anymore. If you're complacent, if you're willing to *settle* for what you have now, where's your motivation to CHANGE it? There isn't any. I want my passion, my drive back, and I don't want to have to gain back up to 140 to finally feel that intensity again... I want to remember what it was like to crave 110 so savagely, so obsessively, that I was willing to do anything and everything to obtain it. Where has it gone??? And why does it feel wrong to be without it?

I had planned on going through each of your lovely comments and making return comments back individually, and personally, but now I have to go because my computer's dying and the coffee I just chugged is already driving my bladder crazy. On the bright side of things, I worked out today, burned 460 calories (about half of what I've consumed) and that felt good. My knee hurts a little, but sweating out my frustrations with myself felt even better, made me feel strong, for the first time in ages. I'm looking forward to making today awesome, and making tomorrow even better, but I'll need your help. That's right, I'm not above asking for advice. Have any of you ever found yourselves questioning your motives as to why you're doing this, why you've chosen to continue it versus fight it, and when you do find yourselves lacking in motivation, what do you do to pep-talk yourself out of the slump? Anything is welcome...and as always, I love you dearly. Thank you so much, for everything.

EDIT: Oh, and I forgot...I got my hair cut. So that's cool. I'll post a pic for a bit, so you guys can check it out. :D


  1. i find that i eat emotionly. so when im depressed thats when i eat. and eat. when im happy and cheerful and busy i dont feel like it.
    so i know how u feel. ive found that mood support pills and stuff like that can really help. i take wayy too many, but its better than doing drugs. lol and also, when i feel the urge to binge, i turn on my favortie music VERY loud. it lifts my mood instantly.

    hope this helps. stay strong xoxox

  2. my problem sticking to my "plans" derive from boredom and emotionality. mostly boredom. i need to keep busy and AWAY from food. oh and drinking. if i drink, i eat like crazy. damn inhibitions.

    see... i need structurized dieting. it worked well when i was in high school bcuz i played soccer, ran track and my mother was on my case all the damn time and i was in school. it was like i had no time to be bored or be alone with food. now is a completely different story. my house is filled with snacks bcuz of my daughter and mother-in-law. i am currently unemployed attemtping to get a teaching job and have recently graduated, so have no where to be right now. i'm BORED. i'm HERE. with the FOOD. BAH!

    all i can say is stick to your guns and try to eliminate the temptations. throw out foods, left overs. i pack little snacks and things for my daughter in special containers so i can be like "NO! those are for L. NO! i can't touch those!" than helps. then i try to keep busy and take my girl out all over the place just bringing her small snacks so i can't eat them. i even leave money at home so i can't be tempted to buy food. get rid of the possibility of emotional/bored eating. that's the only thing i think that ensures success. i don't know if that makes sense.

    good luck!

  3. For me to get out of the eat-emotion pattern I have to FORCE myself to get OUT of the house, go for walks (start with light exercise) and don't suddenly cut down, cut out certain foods. I hope this helps..

    Also on the tatoo, I'm going to do some thinking about quotes, I love the idea of a meaningful quotes. 'Stay lovely', what a great idea! I am going to do some major thinking!

    Love Battle

  4. What do you think about , "Fortune favors the brave." Too long? xxx

  5. Eep. You're so freaking pretty. I love your haircut :]

  6. I love the haircut :) It really suits the shape of your face.

    As far as motivation goes, I want to feel happy again. I am not happy right now, and when I was 110lbs., I was the happiest I have ever been. That is my motivation, every day. I want to be able to slip on anything from my closet, and know that I look great without even needing to look in a mirror. That drive is what keeps me going; knowing that I actually loved the way I looked 15 pounds and 2 years ago, and I need to get back there.

    Stay strong, this is just a rut. Get yourself out of this funk, and you will get there! xo

  7. Good for you to get to the gym today! I'm sure that must have felt lovely.

    Also... love your hair cut! But I told you that yesterday ;)

  8. P.D, I love that new tattoo quote.
    "To begin, begin."

    I'm too scared of needles to get a tattoo, but this is definitely going to go up on my wall to motivate myself.

    I've also been grazing non-stop and YES, as you said, most of the time, I'm not even enjoying what I'm eating. I just don't know what to do with myself otherwise.

    But you know what, you've already taken the first step by working out today! (: I haven't had the time to go grocery shopping recently (plus my fridge is still full of CNY goodies) so there's no healthy/safe food at home for me. Do you have any favourite low-calorie snacks? Go stock up on those! That way, the next time you feel like eating just because, you have something to fall back on.

    And P.D, I'm so proud of you for beating the meth/alcohol monsters. I would never think less of you because of that.

    And I LOVE your new hairstyle. (:

    *big hug for P.D because I miss her*

  9. Love the hair cut, I think it looks really great and it suits you :-)

  10. Your hair looks so lovely!! :D

    And I understand about the lack of motivation... This past month for me has been completely worthless, I feel like I'm missing that drive too...

    Let's get back on track. You want that 110 and I want 112. Let's do this shit. :)

  11. You are very pretty and look very thin....i have a fat face...among other things!