Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I am officially someone else.

I just accidentally posted just the title to this. Umm...sorry? Editing now.

I don't know what's going on with me.

I'm not myself. The brain that is fueling my actions is not my own. This has happened before, off and on, but this time...

I was tentatively prescribed Strattera a while back, if you recall, if you've read that far back, for my ADHD. After taking it for a few days, I decided that the side effects of the drug (which gave me horrible flashbacks of what it was like to be addicted to meth) were not worth the trade-off. Stopped taking them. The only upside to those pills was the appetite suppressant effect. Kept them in my bedside drawer, for a rainy day, if you will.

It's sunny out. Hasn't rained for days.

There's this thought, this random, unsolicited temptation, that's been rolling about in my head for a few weeks, and today, I acted upon it.

"Snort that shit."

What? W..t..f..

Who in the hell thought that was a good idea, who whispered THAT into my brain?

"You won't be hungry for days..."

True. But lack of hunger doesn't usually keep me from eating when the binge-monster attacks. We all know that I could've just finished a five-course meal and I'll still eat another, plus three desserts, if that's what the bingeosaurus commands at that moment.

But still. It was there. I can't even begin to describe the horrors of my life during that time...17 years old and addicted to meth, trapped in a house with a man who never loved me, but somehow always held me in such a way that made me hope, believe that it was possible to make that happen... If I would just do everything right, he would love me. I had to keep trying.

For two years, I tried. And I never succeeded. He said he always loved me, he was just "bad at showing it."

Yeah. Beat me daily, but leave no bruises on my face. Force me to wear turtlenecks in July to hide the thumbprints on my throat. Yeah, you loved me.

I hate him.

Anyway. So. Why would I want to return to that? No, not the meth, but the snorting of mind-altering chemicals at all? I hated that part of me. I am a strong, intelligent, responsible woman, with a life so full that it deserves all of my presence of mind, all the time...


I don't know. As I sit here at school, skipping chem again because I hate it, my heart is skipping as well, just lightly, just softly, because I only did the tiniest bump anyway. I finally got my regular Wellbutrin back today, so I'm on that again, too...I was never fully off, but I was forced to take SR instead of XL (doctor said that most people don't notice much of a difference, but I think I'm not most).

No one can answer that question: Why did I do that? I think it comes down to wanting to escape. We all have something from which we feel the need to escape sometimes, it's normal. What's not normal is feeling so overwhelmed by daily life that you feel a constant need to be altered in some way, emotionally or chemically or physically or all of the above simultaneously, so that you are not forced to be completely conscious of the world around you, the life that's probably not all that bad at all, but that your mind has somehow turned to chaos and pain.

I used to drink. Daily. Every morning, noon, and night. For months. To escape. To not To not...feel. I gave up on that when I realized that I had dug myself into full-fledged alcoholism at 21; my daughter deserves so much more. Now I can't even get myself to enjoy drinking anymore. Too many calories, makes me feel unhealthy and dehydrated and fat and lazy and tired. I drink a shit ton of coffee and energy drinks because they make me feel sped up, in a way, and that has been, for now, my little escape from the constant exhaustion in which I find myself languishing...But now...

I can't let this happen again. I mean, as I type that, I think, "How did I 'let' this happen in the first place?" Just about 30 minutes ago, I stood in the bathroom stall and looked at the bottle of pills in my hand. Watched my hands go to work, effortlessly, chopping a neat little line of soft, snowy powder, just as they used to, as if they remembered it all by themselves. Rolled the dollar. Stared at it. Remembered N's voice in my head, his short, strong, muscular hands hitting my flesh hard, fast, when I couldn't load the pipe quickly enough...I was never enough.

Drugs are bad.

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like eating, and that's a good thing, because I've eaten nearly 1,000 calories today already. Yes, by 11:41 AM. Yes.

I feel guilty, and ashamed, somewhat, and I'm worried of what you'll all think of me when you read this, but at the same time, I feel compelled to confess this somehow, and I've no one else. Nowhere else to turn, to go and spill out all of myself, because you're the only ones in my life who understand.


  1. Oh dear.
    First of all, thanks for confessing this. It is so hard with drugs. I smoke weed every damn day, and have trouble admitting it to myself. I give you a lot of credit for sharing this.
    Life is freakin' difficult. I am so sorry that jerk used to hurt you. Do you believe in karma? If so, then he'll get what he deserves.
    Just always remember that you are unique and beautiful and a wonderful mother and also a fantastic writer.
    Drugs are bad, yes. But living in denial is so much worse. At least you are owning up. No one is perfect, we live in a world full of distraction and temptation. Take it one day at a time. Notice something gorgeous or uplifting that you see today and take a camera pic! Let's both do it! Maybe the key to feeling better is being grateful?

    Either way, lots of love to you. Thanks for commenting on my blog. Take care, hun.


  2. wow, I'm sorry your ex was such a wanker, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
    & your very brave, it takes guts to admit the things were most ashamed of. But you know what, you know your better than that, than all of that shit. You don't need drugs, you don;t need an alterd mind. Your a strong, beautiful person who is worth so much more than that, even if at times you find it difficult to believe when you are feeling down I want you to remember YOU ARE ABOVE IT, your strong without it, giving in, thats not something you can do, as you say you have a little girl and she deserves a mum who isn't strung out and you owe it to yourslef to be happy and healthy after the shit you have faced in the past.

    You got this, fuck drugs, fuck all the pain and the past. You gotta live in the present if you want to make a future.
    Take Care,
    Much Love

  3. I'll admit my jaw dropped a bit when I read this. Mostly because I didn't think people ever got past meth and became cognizant, functional human beings. Confessing something like this has to be daunting, even if it's just to your blog readers. Be glad that you are officially someone else. I am.


  4. Does your doctor know of your past drug troubles? Because if they do, then they should know better than to prescribe you with any stimulant.

    I've snorted my ADHD medication before, but all it really did was make me paranoid. So you're not alone, ESPECIALLY with past problems. Your doctor's an idiot.

    Thank you for your confession. It's nice to know that other people are feeling the same way and doing the same things. Don't worry, you're not stupid - you're just troubled and searching for the right way.

    You should be proud of all you've gone through, because you've come out the other side.

  5. You're such a strong person to resist those demons in your life. Your ex should be castrated for what he did to you. Nobody deserves that kind of relationship. I hope that you can continue to say no, even when those voices in your head convince you it would be totally okay to do otherwise.

    You are an amazing person, in my opinion. :)


  6. You know how we say we're always fighting the same battles?
    Let's just say... that still holds true.
    I just haven't gotten my hands on any pills.

    I will agree with the others who have commented here. You are a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent person, who has overcome a lot to get off of meth and leave an abusive relationship. To move passed it and find a great guy like K and raise a beautiful, smart daughter and be attending college and be an amazing, thoughtful writer. Not to mention be supportive and caring, even to people who you have never met face-to-face and live all over the world.

    We all have our shit that makes us ashamed. We are all guilty of something. We all have choices we need to make for our selves. And personally, I probably would have snorted that shit a long time ago. So the fact that you waited this long proves something about your self-control.

    I am not here to judge your decisions. I am here to listen to you (ok kind of more like read what you have to say lol) and support you in whatever you feel is right for yourself.

    AND. I'm glad for your new tattoo and your pledge to not binge! We'll do it together. We always fight the same battles anyway, right?

    Please, please, please text me if you feel the need to talk. ANYTIME. The point of fighting our battles together is so that we don't have to fight them alone.


  7. you're such a strong girl to get through all that you've gone through and i can tell that any rough patches your facing now can not hold you back

    you're such a wonderful girl, you always make me smile

    i want to marry you

  8. you snorted the stattera? isn't it blue gelantine capsules full of stuff? snorting ssri is never good. tried paxil, did hurt as hell. ritalin is fine though