Friday, February 5, 2010

I think I've decided...

I'm taking a different approach. At least, I've made the decision to attempt a different approach. Whether it's my meds (still not right, but better) or it's school or it's just ME, one thing or another lately has been keeping me miserable. I can't live this way. That being said, I can't give up my weight loss either, not yet. I'm willing to admit that I'm textbook-perfect ED material here, and I don't care. This is my control. This is what I can do well when I feel like I fail at everything else. I *do* realize this doesn't necessarily mean I must starve myself. Controlling my intake to lose weight is something I need right now, and I will continue to do it, but I've resolved to do it..more gradually.

I think I'm going to try to continue this 1,000 to 1,300 calorie per day thing...That is, of course, until I see a gain. IF this plan causes me to gain weight, then it's off. No deal. I won't have that. If I seem to maintain for a bit, that's okay... I can probably handle that. Perhaps I should maintain for a few weeks until I go ahead and get my sanity back. Well, you know, whatever sanity I started with. That, and I'm still sick. I know that my body needs to be fed in order to fight off this virus or whatever, so I'm giving it tons of good stuff, lots of extra vitamins and electrolytes, and trying to get to bed earlier than 11:30 PM every night. We shall see how that works.

I have a relatively optimistic outlook at this moment...Right now...But I'm fully aware that this could change any minute. Really. I'm that wishy-washy. I know. Lame. But I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, focusing on feeling happy and satisfied more than making myself feel pain (which is, essentially, what I've been doing for as long as I can remember). This seems big and small all at once. Hugely significant, like a major turning point, and simultaneously like another passing phase... All I'm hoping is that I can get a handle on myself, my consciousness, bring it back from the brink of crazy, and stay thin/keep getting thinner without killing myself first. Is that too much to ask?

I did some reading of blogs yesterday while using my uncle's computer, and I'm not sure if it was Mozilla or his PC, but the damn thing kept eating my comments! I tried and tried and then it would act like it was going to work but it would erase it...Ugh. So frustrating. Today is my big housecleaning day, so I can't stay online too long. The internet literally sucks me into a big giant black hole where time doesn't exist and everything is entertaining and interesting and then suddenly I'm back to reality and oh! Look! The house is still dirty and it's time to pick up little B. And though she loves to "help" Mommy clean house, she really just ends up making messes behind me of the things I've already cleaned or tidied up.

*sigh...* I wish my brain would figure out what it wanted to do with this medicine. My eyes feel heavy and can't focus, kind of like when you're tired...but I'm agitated and overly anxious everywhere else. My focus is all over the place, and I can't get my own voice out of my head. Never shuts up. It keeps seeing that 132.2 this morning and recounting today's calories, again and again, I'm at what now... 380? That's pretty decent...No, I need to work out, burn it off! No, I don't have time, the house has to be done by six. You won't burn nearly enough cleaning house, and you're eating all this food, you're definitely going to gain weight, especially over the weekend! You think you can get away with eating 1,300 a day and still lose?! Yes...Yes, I do. If I work at it...

Ha. Sorry about that. I excuse...for typing all of that out. Maybe just 'cuz I needed to?

I should go. I feel so groggy and sleepy (even after THIIIIS much caffeine already) and my day is so full, waiting for me to live it.

Oh, and the sun came out today! For the first time in...well, a long while! I love it! :D I like sitting in the cafeteria here, right next to the window. Look, I'll show you. :)

Stay lovely, my dears. You are so very lovely. <3


  1. It IS possible. This should be a smile on your face: Isn't it amazing that a four-digit number of calories a day still allows for the so-called "extreme fat loss"?

    Slow and steady wins the race. (:

  2. sigh* how lovely
    you look so happy there
    i know what you mean about not being able to trust your own mind to be consistant. You can never be sure if making a plan is worth it if you'll just not be yourself later and ruin it...
    love :)

  3. Good luck! and I hope you're feeling better soon. <3