My heart's beating funnily, and I'm SO not starving myself.

I have managed, all day, to blur the lines of me...
Hiding from myself, from my conscience, and from the me of tomorrow, especially.
Oh, will she be upset.
She will probably cry.
Definitely.
She's going to try not to weigh herself.
Morning will come and the tears will come, too,
and the scale will beg her to face the music;
a death march, of sorts,
and that number has the power to break her, shatter her,
from the inside out,
leaving pieces of desperation and determination (that were never enough)
all over the bathroom floor.
I think I'd rather stay there...It feels like it's there that I belong...
Amongst the dust and dirt and filth,
Left to be lonely.
I've brought it upon myself.
Stupid bitch...you do it every single time.

I ate so...

so...

so much today.

I don't know what happened to me. I know I'm depressed.
I live in a fucking vacuum of constant depression.
That's not anything new, or surprising.
You'd think I would've adapted by now.
That's what the strong do, isn't it? Adapt? Learn to deal, to cope, to move on and up in life, triumphing over adversity and all that bullshit?
Why have I not learned to recognize the agony that resides within me, single it out, and destroy it? Instead I allow it to destroy me, every single day...

On the days I wear a smile, I worry that everyone sees it and knows that I'm faking.

Last night at the party, K made a comment as I took my finger along the side of his tiny slice of cake and scooped up some frosting... "Fuck it," I said aloud. "I don't care at this point." Who would? I'd downed at least a thousand calories already, between liquor and champagne and party food. What's 50 more? I'd given up again, and given in. "Don't do it!" he said, somewhat joking, but mostly serious. He wanted to remind me of the mini-meltdown ordeal before we'd left his place earlier...Hating myself for how I looked in those jeans, I felt like never eating again. Now my inhibitions were shot and I was feeling as if nothing mattered, as long as I was numb. Couldn't I just stay numb forever? "Fuck it," I said again, and put the frosting to my lips. 50 more, down the hatch. "All right, then," he said, resigned. "You'll just hate yourself tomorrow..." He was right, and we both knew it. A friend said, from across the table, "Maybe that's what she wants." He chuckled and took another swig of his beer. "Maybe she wants a reason to hate herself. Ha...Women."

I looked at him and I wasn't angry. He was right. "You've just hit more of the truth than you even know, just now..." I wasn't kidding, but we all had a good laugh over it. Fucking hilarious.

That was last night. Today...

God.

I won't even list all that I've eaten, and I haven't kept track of my calories. Usually don't on binge days. Pretty impossible, really. If I had to estimate, I'd say around 3,500.

I'm in pain. My stomach is killing me. It feels like it's going to explode. Literally. Worst part is, I haven't purged ANY of it.

Isn't that the worst part? Depends on your perspective, I s'pose.

I feel so weak. So dizzy. Blurred. Like I exist only between those two television stations you can never get to come in with rabbit ears, so you keep adjusting the tin foil and moving the lamp next to the TV stand but you never can quite get that image to come through. You can see that it's human, and maybe female, but the static surrounding it/her is too much, she's just too gray and fuzzy, so you give up. Switch to Everybody Loves Raymond and move on with your night.

Today is done.
I know this.
There's nothing to be said for changing it, going back in time. I'd pay every dime I have it I could have that power. Somebody, quick! Invent that.

The hardest part is reminding myself that this is not the end my world.
Melodramatic melancholy...
I should be the queen of it.
I'm not kidding, though. That sounds extreme...the end of my world...
But that's what it feels like. Because I associate today with the ultimate inability to stick to anything to which I put forth my full effort...

Wondering if it's all worth it, instead of being sure that it is...
That part sucks, too.