Sunday, February 7, 2010

Not beating myself up too much...

I'm at like, 500 for the day.

I don't know how I feel about that. Seems to be right on track, for being nearly 1 PM. Haven't gotten to go running yet, but it's in the plan, as soon as I can get little B down for her nap.

I ate a lot last night. I drank quite a bit of alcohol. I don't know why I do that. I mean, sure, it's relatively fun while you're doing it, depending on with whom you're drinking and what you're doing. K and I were at a friend's house playing video games and chatting, drinking, and eating. Salty cocktail peanuts, tortilla chips, pita chips, Pringles, and dried apricots. Fruit juice with my vodka. I stopped counting calories. There was no point. Couldn't keep track in my head and couldn't pull out my calculator without looking insane. :P

I kind of let go intentionally. I spent a lot of time last night thinking about how nice it would be to retain this lifestyle of restriction and steady weight loss (as I can't stand the thought of getting any bigger, of course) but still manage to enjoy normal social-type interactions without that intense guilt. To be me, in all of my food/calorie eccentricity, but with the ability to have a few cocktails without hating myself, to laugh and be carefree, say yes to a few nachos or a slice of pizza because that's what everyone else does without a second thought. People I go out with peruse the dessert menu in excitement and anticipation of how wonderful a slice of cheesecake sounds right now...Let's get one! We'll split it! Ooh, with chocolate covered strawberries on it! Yeah. No. I'm not allowed to even think about that kind of thing, much less entertain the thought of really EATING it. Jesus.

Yeah, I guess there's no point in fantasizing about this kind of life. It simply doesn't exist for me. Meh. I'm not feeling as passionate about it as I was last night.

Felt like total garbage this morning. Dehydrated and heavy, slightly hungover. Oh, and did I mention the fact that I ate approximately 5.2 metric tons of all that party food? I kept eating, shoveling it in FAR after I was uncomfortably full. Why? I have no idea. I really don't. I know that I laid down last night, feeling as if my stomach was literally going to explode. Like the food inside of it was about to burst forth from my mouth any second, and I wasn't even that buzzed by this point. No, this agonizing nausea/stomach pain was completely unrelated to alcohol. I had eaten to a point of pain, of shock; my body had no idea what to do with all of that.

Weighed in at 133.8 this morning. I know that a lot of it is still food left over inside of me. Maybe a pound or so? I should have finished off the night with a box of laxies, but the mere thought of putting another ANYthing into my mouth was too much to bear.

My fingers look fat right now. Ugh.

I'll be okay. For some reason, rather than feeling as depressed as I probably should after the last few days I've had, I feel...optimistic. Perhaps reading some of your blogs before I sat down to write my own post was a good idea. You all inspire me to be more than I am, to be better, to be stronger. Thank you. :)

I'm off for now... The little one is restless and it's my job to entertain her. My pleasure, I mean. Both. ;)

I hope you're all well...Here's to a strong and successful week ahead... Back down two pounds by Friday, that's my goal! :D


  1. Hey its Anita from "mini me"

    I was referring to the drug X.
    Which is laced with meth and tons of other different drugs.
    So I guess I had a taste of what you went through, and I'm so glad to hear that your done? Or thats what I'm gathering.

    Its so addicting and scary.
    Yet so appealing.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing.

    Stay strong and think thin :)

  2. I can tell you exactly what happened at that party. You binged. And you did it because your body is in starvation mode and it's desperately trying to save itself.
    I have experienced this exact same thing more times than I care to count.
    You worry me so.

  3. ahhhh i am hungover at this very moment and wondering whether all those delicious wine calories were actually worth it.... BAH alcohol and its calories and its ability to make you eat EVERYTHING without thinking! i always think it won't be that way, it's not like i'm smoking up and having the munchies, right? NO. all i wanted all night long was a pizza. not, like, a slice of pizza. no. i wanted a whole effing pizza to myself. thank GOD everyone else i was with has some sort of semblance of normality and it just did not occur to them that after eating a healthy dinner (which i avoided, hehehehe!), they should be hungry AGAIN that evening. i mean, really? so i avoided bingey drunky calories but OH MAN, disordered eating ain't got nothin' on disordered hungover eating! i spent all hangover in search of the perfect food to cure the hangover, because OBVIOUSLY this food will cure it, no wait, THIS one, no wait, THIS one, definitely, and on and on. i have already had some bad McDonald's breakfast thing and there is a burrito en route right now....AUGH AUGH AUGH and i am too hungover to stop the madness!!!

    anyway like four days later, i wanted to say that i ADORED your rambly comment and please leave more!! i am pretty excited about your blog too :D and as you see i write long and novelly comments all the time, especially when i am hungover and trying to avoid doing actual work and my brain is pretty much dead.

    what was i saying? oh hangover, right.


    xx x

  4. Thanks for following my blog, glad I found yours too. Oh the joys of the ED. I would so love to have cheesecake. I love cheesecake but ED won't let me. My mum used to make the most amazing mango necter cheesecake everytime it was my birthday and I loved it so much. I wish wish wish I could accept that I won't blow up or explode if I have some. It sort of feels like that anyway. Besides, by the time you've looked at everything, analysed what you think is in it, compared it to everything else and made a decision you don't want it. Your friends are ready to leave and you've missed out on girly chat time. Right now I'm giving ED an extra kick up the arse!

  5. BLAHHH! I haven't been commenting, I and I've missed you immensely!

    Sorry you've been feeling like garbage. If it's any consolation, I'm sure you don't look like garbage, you little pretty lady.

    I'm glad to hear my account of Exercise Euphoria inspired you! Now I feel like one of those ridiculously perky gym trainers in spandex that tell people, "One more set! Just keep going! Keep the motivation up!" while the people spit sweaty expletives at them... heehee.

    But... no. I am currently drinking a glass of diet soda, which I gave up for a New Years resolution and which I haven't had since December 31, and shortly I am going to get insanely hyper, beat myself up about the soda, and run wildly on the elliptical machine. So obviously I am not a gym training. So please don't spit sweaty expletives at me.

    How did I get on this tangent? Not really sure. Oh well. Love you!