Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Don't you ever want to color outside of the lines?

Wow, you guys are awesome. :)

I felt so shitty, seeing that number staring back at me, but all of your support and encouragement manages to make it all better, every single time.

After that weigh-in yesterday, I felt immediately compelled to binge my ASS off. Or...on. Yes, it'd be bingeing my ass ON, since it would, in effect, add width and girth to my ass. Yes.

In my head, the part of me that knew better (she's always there, hiding) did her best to fight back, taking tiny, weak swings at Ana's delicate frame, each time only missing her aim by an inch or so. "Stop lying to us!" my rational side would shout. "We are NOT pathetic! We're working hard and we're trying our best, we don't need YOU here to screw us all up!" I strained my ears to hold onto that voice, all the way to daycare, all the way to the dollar store, all the way down the snack aisle... "Don't do it." It was both of them. Both voices. Don't do it? Neither one of you want me to do it, so why is this compulsion SO strong?

If Ana was against my bingeing, and my healthy, cultivated-through-weekly-therapy voice was against it, then WHY was I here, standing before rows and rows of shelf after shelf, each positively FILLED with cookies and candies and crackers and chips?

C&s doesn't have a cutesy little ED name. I can't really come up with one at the moment, and I guess it's not a good idea anyway. Regardless, this voice is strongest in times of upset, stress, worry, anxiety, and though she sounds a lot like Mia, her voice is lower, softer, but more impatient, more urgent. I gave in. It would feel so good...I knew it would.

Cue twenty-minute c&s binge, just about as soon as I can get all of my bags into the house. I could go on for days about all of the reasons I did it, why it felt good, why it felt bad, why it didn't stop after the first ten minutes, and why I did it again this morning. But I won't. Not now. I have a full day ahead of me and I'm feeling actually pretty good about my intake so far, so I'd rather not delve deeper into all the bullshit that gets me down at the moment. Thanks for understanding.

Anyway, half a box of cereal, half a bag of Oreos, a whole box of donut sticks and four sugar free chocolates later... NONE of it swallowed... relaxation finally overcame me. I breathed in. Breathe out. *HUGE* sigh. That alone felt fantastic. I felt oddly calm. And not full. And that is always a plus.

I carefully packed away the rest of the naughty food and put it in a box on a shelf til next time. I went on with my day and went to therapy, confessed my sins, uncovered a bit more of my subconscious, felt good about that, and went home. It was snowing/sleeting off and on all day, and I'll admit that I used this as an excuse to avoid driving to the gym. Yeah. No bueno. But I kept my calories under 1,500 and the scale showed me a very welcome 135.8 this morning. Down two pounds from that horrid number yesterday, at least. Ex-lax helped a little, but I stuck to the dosage chart on the back rather than giving into the temptation to take the whole damned box.

I keep remembering back to when I initially broke my plateau of 140...after 139 came along, the pounds just melted off of me. Granted, I was working out about 30 minutes to an hour EVERY day...but my knee wasn't killing me then, either. I was also restricting down to about 800 to 1,000, in addition to burning that 500 daily, so it's no wonder I was losing half a pound a day. How lovely that was. I want to go back to that. I know it isn't healthy, and that's more than half the reason I'm not doing it RIGHT NOW. God, my conscience is killer for rapid weight loss. The unhealthiness, the harm I was doing to my body, all of that was the furthest thing from my mind before, just as long as I was getting thinner. Now... it's ALWAYS there. Reminding me that I need to eat right, exercise more instead of starving myself, and do things slowly. I swear, the internal dialogue that rages within me constantly would throw even the most seasoned psychiatric professionals for a loop some days.

*sigh...* I feel like I have much more to say, but I somehow doubt that anyone would find it of much interest. Plus, this thing is pretty long. I'll go for now, read up on how you lovelies are doing, and get to work on my art project that's due tomorrow. If I have time, I'll post a copy of the poem I'm writing for English today, too, perhaps as an edit to this post...or a new entry...I don't know which his better. Meh.

<3 you all dearly.


  1. its just the worst when you're restricting a lot and the scale isnt going down- but it certainly sounds like the scale it lower today and thats by two whole pounds!
    we all have to give in sometimes!

  2. So glad you are feeling just a little better than yesterday. Here's to an amazing day! You can do it girl! Cheering for you today.

  3. We should come up with a nickname for C&S. That should be like the new community challenge. Lol. I do this too sometimes, as mia can be painful and pointless if all you are after is the taste. Good job on the weight loss. <3

  4. Really good that you told your counsellor this :)
    Also congrats on the new weight!
    I wanted to tell you, I think you write very well, I like your blog very much!!
    Love Battle xxx

  5. Well, I usually personify C&S as Candace or Cass. But when I'm angry at her I call her Candy-Ass.

  6. Lola's got a good one there. And I suppose C&S is better than binging. I've done that before. I walk away feeling good, knowing I haven't actually eaten anything, feeling empty. And I read every word of your posts, as mundane as they feel to you. :) Nothing is EVER too boring!

    peace, love, and plenty of skinny vibes!