Saturday, February 13, 2010

Non sequitur: Please take care to avoid stepping in my Crazy.

You like this one? It's called: "P.D. is still sitting her fat ass on the couch at 3 PM with no make-up on and she has no desire whatsoever to move a muscle, much less make herself feel less ... plain." Title is tentative, of course.



My Google Chrome browser window is overloaded with...let me count...33 open tabs...all of them blogs I have yet to read. I've been doing this all morning, playing catch-up. I promise I have a life. Somehow. K laughed at me this morning, looking at my computer screen. Hours and hours spent reading and commenting on blogs, and I'm still not done. And nearly every day, I add more to my reading list. I literally spend more time reading blogs here than I do reading any of my textbooks combined. Probably three times as much. No life? That's a very good possibility, you're right.

Go, Diego, Go! is playing next to me, and my perfect little angel is pointing out the differences between brontosauruses and microraptors. Lots of differences there.

Ha...her little voice. I wish I could record it for you. "That's a Teeee-REX!" :P

I want to thank everyone individually for taking the time to comment on my blog. I'm such a lame-o that those little tidbits from you ladies totally make my day, my hour, my life, to an extent. I mean, getting that little email that tells me you commented...It makes me happier than it should, probably. I get all excited. What a loser. Back to what I was saying: I'd like to thank you all individually, but I'm not feeling very...something...today. I'm sorry. Perhaps I'm feeling too much of nothing. Yes, I think that's more like it.

My binge failure(s) have taken their toll. Even after a moderate dose of laxatives, I've hit 134. Yeah. And you know what? The surprise, shock, self-loathing, and holyshitfuck howdidIletthishappen? feeling...is absent. This is...beyond...horrible. It's like I don't care that I'm getting fat. Oh, I care. Somewhere. Somehow. I feel powerless to stop the eating. In fact, I feel powerless to stop myself from loving the food I'm eating, and wanting more. Those are separate feelings, separate ideas. Sometimes eating (bingeing) is punishment. More often than not, that's what it is. I've yet to really delve into the reasons why I feel the need to punish myself this way, but I'm positive they number in the thousands.

See that behind me? Love handles. No one loves them. And they're always the first to return when I start to gain. God. Damn. It. All.

What kills me is that I can see the damage I'm doing, but my passion to change it, to better myself, is completely GONE. I thought perhaps that this was a passing phase, but it's not passing. I don't understand. The complacency is suffocating, but my empathy prevents me from caring about even that. I grab a straw, stick it up through the surface of the calmly swirling waters, and suck at the little bits of oxygen that are permitted me this way, and yet I do nothing to shake off the big, beefy hands that hold me under... What's WRONG with me? God, someone please tell me.

No, you won't. You're lovely. You'll tell me there's nothing wrong with me, and that tomorrow's another day, because that's what I'd tell you all. *sigh.* Things with my ED have only gotten worse over the past few weeks, and I'd have to be blindfolded not to see the connection to my therapy/counseling sessions. Is it because dabbling in the thought of growing healthy has suddenly stirred my responsible side from its long slumber, promising all sorts of false happiness if I'll just throw in the towel and accept life, ED free? Fuck, I have so many questions and alongside those questions, in a very random fashion, lie all the fragments of reality that tell the truth: No One Has The Answer.

That's a rather disheartening thought.

I started out today with full intentions of holding myself to a liquid fast until dinner. That's right, not even a full day, just hold out til supper time. Lasted all of five hours. Vegetables with baby shrimp. A tablespoon of peanut butter. A bite of cottage cheese. A bowl of oatmeal. I haven't counted calories yet, but I will. I've been doing a lot of food stalking online, as K and I will be celebrating V-Day tonight, and I want to go somewhere new and interesting and exotic...something I've never tried before, like French food or African, or Turkish, or something. I want to eat and not care, drink and not care, and look amazing in my new skirt.

If I do, I'll post pictures.

I want to know why it feels so good to eat, when that feeling should be the one thing I dread most in the world. I want to remember and LIVE the feeling of being lovely and light and empty, and I want to hate the thought of eating because it only serves to destroy me, slowly, painfully...Why in the world would I want to do that to myself? Apathy. I..just can't care. None of this makes sense.

Sorry this is so long, and that the tone sucks. Meh.

Oh, and in the time it took me to write this blog, B fell asleep next to me on the couch. I should definitely take this time to work out...should. I'll have a serving of motivation, please, with a side of getthefuckoffthecouch and a stopbeingsodamnlazy salad. Thanks.

For your daily dose of smiles:



Love you all...

<3

10 comments:

  1. That picture made me smile :)


    Right you. Listen up. We all go through the binge days, and you WILL get through this! I am right besides you. I feel like my motivation to stop eating is non existant. I am past the point of care.

    Now you know it was coming, "tomorrow is another day". It's true!

    lots of love xxx

    ps. Sounds like a serious case of the the blog addictions. Sorry. it's an unstoppable disease!

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  2. I know I'm not saying anything new but sometimes I feel the need to just say stuff.

    That's the trouble with the disorder thing, nobody can fix all this for you, they can only help you fix yourself. Ultimately, you are fighting these battles. When faced with a jar of peanut butter, it's a battle of you vs. the peanut butter. Frankly, battles are fucking hard (duh.), they just are and that's just how it is, we got ourselves into this disordered nonsense (to blame outside sources... is just convenience, we are, ultimately, responsible for our actions).

    Here's a quote I like:
    "You have to decide what you highest priorities are, then have the courage to say 'No' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'Yes' burning inside."

    Whose got the bigger Yes? You or the Peanut Butter? You or the Couch?

    Think of each loss as a speed bump. Not a stop sign!!

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  3. Little B looks like a little sleeping angel. God, she's precious.

    Have fun with K on your pre-V-day date! You'll look hot in the skirt. You look hot in anything, because you're a badass and your heart is full of love. Sometimes you want to punish yourself for perceived 'failures', but who do you really think you've failed? I'm willing to bet it's not yourself you disappointed. Sometimes you feel like you've let other people down. You don't need punishing! You can't do everything, be everyone. That's the crazy voice of perfectionism talking. It's alright to be good enough. Be the best 'you' you can be, but PD don't need to be anyone but PD!
    Love ya girl!
    ~Lola

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  4. Awww... I had something vaguely intelligent to say, but it faded away when I saw your little B. She is so flipping cute!

    Also, your eyes are really pretty, as I'm sure you've heard before. They look almost... tie-dyed... up close.

    I hope you get to drink/eat without a care, and of course you will look smashing. That goes without saying.

    And although you do NOT have love handles, I agree that that's the dumbest name ever. Who loves love handles? No one, that's who. I'm pretty sure some incompetent assistant angel created love handles on God's day off. Also my tummy. But let's not talk about that...

    Anyway... I'm going away for a week, so you'll have to get by without any Della rambles. (Which is probably a relief, seeing as you have so many blogs to catch up on!) Take care of yourself, ok?

    Stay lovely!

    Della

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  5. Dear PD,
    I just wanted to say... that it's okay. In the comment that you left me you kept saying that you can't fix it for us and that you don't know what to say. And I'm saying it's okay. It's alright to not know what to say and it's okay that you can't fix us.

    But it does mean the world to me that you read what I have to say and can relate to my hell, although I do wish that there was something altogether happier that we could have in common.

    We're in this one together, my friend. I beleive that more and more as every day and blog post go by.

    I just wanted to say thank you for being there. I know things are hard right now, but I really do believe that in the end it will be okay.

    Andddd. I hope you have a wonderful night with K!

    <3

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  6. thanks for commenting back concerning the whole being a mom with a daughter thing. i agree, its nice to have another parent on here. few and far between. someone to worry with, even though we continue doing what we're doing... hoping our girls don't suffer the same.

    about this post... well... i have no answers for you. probably cuz i have none for myself. this is an on going battle in my life. i'll be 30 in june. it comes and it goes. i've dealt with it since before breasts. one day, i think it's gone and then something always triggers me back. maybe i'm justifying, but... well, i've honestly come to believe that ED is in me. a part of me. it will always be. even if i'm not acting on it, he will lay dorment in the darkest places waiting for a weak moment to show himself again. i look at ana and mia as ED's girls, cuz when i was younger there was no difference, there was no ana for me, no mia... it was always just ED, no matter how it manifested.

    i'm jabbering. making no sense at all. bleh. things work out the way they are suppose to. cuz they have to. they just need to. and you have wonderful little girl who lights up every day just for you. trust in that. and hopefully, everything else will just fade into memory.

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  7. wow its so nice to see another mom on here, well i guess rather bittersweet but you get what i mean.your daughter is soo cute! how old is she if you dont mind me asking? my son turns 4 in may , i just cant believe how fast the years go by with children.. oh and i totally hear the same thing every morning from my son when diego is on. all i hear is " eggo eggo! " (he cant really pronounce the first part lol) im rather partial to spongebob and flapjack.its almost depressing how much cartoons i end up watching throughout the day. :)
    try to hang in there and enjoy your free time. i know how hard free time can be to come by with a little one. dont worry about the binging, i think binging has been going around lately like some sort of weird ED flu. what matters is that your strong enough to push past this moment and get back on your feet. and i know you can.
    stay strong
    meg
    p.s. im sooo jealous of your ribs! i think you look great.

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  8. I smiled when you said about having 33 tabs open and that this is what you do today is try and catch up. I'm exactly the same, I'm still up to 5 hours ago and I keep adding to my reading list too. Don't know how I'm going to keep up when I start my job tomorrow!
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  9. Sooo I definitely read blogs more than I should as well (sometimes at the expense of schoolwork)--I just can't give it up! You all are important to me, and I want to know what's going on in your lives and to be there (as much as is possible) offering support (even if sometimes it is silent).

    I wish I had good advice for you. All I can say is that you are a wonderful, beautiful person and that you will get through this! Be strong in yourself. If not for you, then for that angelic sleepy-head.

    I'm not strong enough to recover yet. I don't know if I ever will be. But maybe you are. If eating is what feels right, then eat. Enjoy it.

    Have fun on your date! I am sure you will be breathtaking. :)

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