Ah! 99 followers! That's ... awesome! Also, I'm all over the place...

Wouldn't it be cool if a kajillion balloons and ten metric tons of sparkly confetti exploded from the ceiling JUST as soon as my blog hit 100 followers?

Yeeeaaah...That would kick some major ass.

Alisson/Anonymous...You rock, lady. Thank you so much for following me and for leaving that comment. You really made my morning! So glad that my ramblings are inspiring to you. :D Thank you!

So this morning I'm feeling nauseous...again. And no, I'm not pregnant (wouldn't that be amazing and devastating all at the same time?) but it sure does feel like it...that damn scale won't go down! I have been doing such a good job with my eating...and still...136/137 won't go away. I'm honestly not sure what to think. I see the evidence of lost fat everywhere, though. My pants are fitting better and my ribs and shoulders are doing what they're supposed to do... I'm going to hope that it's muscle mass that's showing up on the scale (I've upped my protein intake ever since I found this delicious chocolate protein stuff for 100 calories per serving) but I'll by NO means give up with my super-low intake. I can't give up. I'm seeing changes in myself and loving it, and I'm doing the best I can to avoid letting that scale dictate my mood. I even took a picture for you ladies:



I know I've gotten worse when I can look at that, see myself, and see failure. I'm disgusted with what I see there, and repulsed, and reminded of how much further I have to go. I know I'm improving...I have to be. But my mind is fighting that. My eyes glance over at thinspo pictures of women with ribs not even close to that visible, and yet...How are they so much more beautiful?

My psyche hates me. My stomach hates that Dunkin' Donuts commercial.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I feel like I'm gonna hurl. Wtf, mate? I don't get it. I'm taking L-Carnitine, too, in liquid form, so maybe that's upsetting my tummy. Meh... At least it makes it nearly impossible to want to eat anything, all this throwy-uppyness going on.

Speaking of which...Zen, I'm sorry to disappoint yet again...but yesterday marked my third consecutive day of purging after a c/s binge. Thing is, it's always been an "emergency only" kind of thing...until recently. But when I c/s and then find myself sitting there, guesstimating the number of calories I possibly accidentally ingested... I can't stand it. I can't bear the thought of not having a concrete number to write in my calorie count journal, and so I immediately feel that overwhelming compulsion to get rid of it, all of it, just in case. Upside is that there's usually very little in there. Just a few bites worth. Quick and easy. And a horrible habit. Answer? STOP the goddamn chewing, P.D.!!! Seriously, though. I've gotta stop it. For some reason, I'm feeling like it's going to need to be a gradual process. Like if I quit cold turkey I'll just be setting myself up for failure.

I tried to have a serious heart-to-heart with K today about my body-image issues/eating disorder...It wasn't a train wreck, really, but the conversation really could have been more productive. I couldn't put things into words the way I needed in order to really convey to him accurately how I feel ALL THE TIME...so I gave up. I felt so stupid, so childish... "Durrr, this sucks 'cuz I hurt all the time, and I'm starving myself daily and I can't stop...but that's okay 'cuz I don't want to stop, so...I guess we're done talking now." I felt myself floundering about in my language and thought processes and just stopped. His response? In the most well-meaning voice, but still tinged with lack of understanding: "Babe, I just want you to eat healthy, you know?"

...

*sigh*

"Yes, babe. I know."

Anyway...

I feel like I'm failing at writing today. I apologize. I'm not feeling like being awake right now. My shoulder blades hurt my back right now, since that layer of fat is dissolving and this couch is firm-ish...I like that. I love that they're sharp enough to cause me discomfort. Ha. Twisted, much?

I should go now. We're supposed to go play some board games or something here in a few...it's a rainy day, so our hiking plans are shot. That's okay; I'd rather not test this nausea on the side of a rocky cliff face.

Hope you ladies are well... <3

EDIT: You know what's fucking disgusting?

My BMI.

You've got to be kidding me. I haven't calculated it in forever.
21.6...

Twenty...
One...
Point...
FUCKING SIX?

Sorry. I apologize for my outburst.
The day is half gone and I'm at 140 calories.
If that number doesn't keep me from eating more, I don't know what will.