Monday, March 15, 2010

My bones are starting to show more again, but the scale tells the same tale....

My fingers are numb and cold and my head is scattered... I've got that lovely floaty, hazy feeling, though, so I know I'm doing well.

I'm so weak, though...that's the thing. I'm sitting in the school cafeteria area, next to Chick-fil-A, not even close to tempted by anything they have to offer there. That's a nice feeling. I'm back to hating the idea of eating, and I love it. Sometimes it's a fear of the food...maybe not fear, more like apprehension...just an overall feeling of "I'd rather walk ten miles in the pouring, freezing rain than consume a single calorie and let it make me fatter."

Sometimes it's more like the feeling of power over food. I'm stronger than it, you see, and I'm the boss, and it can't tell me what to eat, and I choose to eat nothing. So there.

Either way, I feel incredibly dizzy and I'm honestly a little bit scared to stand up for fear of blacking out, but I'll be careful, don't worry. I'll sip on my tea and finish my carrots and mushroom slices and maybe even eat that apple I brought... god, my body is hating me for this.

I see tracers. Little floaty colorful beings with no substance to speak of, only fluid movement. Spots. Stars. I see 'em.

I keep getting goosebumps. It's like 70 degrees out and sunny. Hmmmmmm.....

Sorry I'm so spacey. I think I had something of real merit to type today, but I don't remember what it was. I think my healthy side is trying to tell me I need to eat something, but I'm so wanting to tell her to screw herself. Today is a 600 calorie day. I'm at like 400. Yeah...Can't afford to eat.


My piercing is driving me insane. The little irritated pink and white bump/scar tissue on the inside is only getting bigger, and now it's painful. I'm worried about it. I've already gone back to my piercer twice after the initial deed; she's going to get tired of seeing me. Plus I haven't been doing what she told me to do... chamomile tea bags and saline soaks every day, twice a day, three times a day if it doesn't improve...What do I do instead? I chew and spit an entire personal breakfast pizza, a package of chocolate cupcakes, a glazed donut, and half a bag of miniature cinnamon sugar donuts.

Yeah...that can't be good for it.

My reaction time is so slowed. It's like I'm high. I watch my hand travel from the keyboard to my tupperware container of carrots, reach in sloooowly, take one, sloooowly bring it to my's like real life is in slow-mo...and I wonder if all of the people I imagine are staring at me are seeing how slowly I'm moving, too...

Probably not.

<3 Love you guys...


  1. Try tea tree oil for the piercing, or changing the jewelry? My body has always responded badly to my piercings. I would only get the bumps on my cartilage, but I had other issues with my facial ones.
    Hopefully that will help, and thanks for following me! :)

  2. I had to switch to nickle free body jewelry. Everything else irritated the hell outta me and never seemed to heal quite right.

    xoxo zen

  3. I love that feeling of power over food, as well. It's so great to know that I could eat if I wanted to, but I choose not to.

    Sorry your piercing is hurting you. I'm not going to be of any help; the only piercing I have is my one set of holes in my ears which I got when I was 4. Hope it feels better!


  4. Sorry about your piercing! I have been having the exact same day as you, seeing stars, dizzy, tired.
    Feel better! :)

  5. i hate being dizzy and weak and tired- but i love it because it means progress. getting to a place where you're afraid of food is a really really good thing. I resisted chips ahoy cookies last week. that would never have happened in my wildest dreams.

  6. Sorry to be a dumbass, but where exactly IS the peircing? Midriff?

    Sorry to hear that it's gone wrong. Maybe you should see a doctor about it? Hydrogen peroxide might help... You want to kill the bacteria.

  7. did i miss something? about the piercing? Where is it? Tongue?
    Wouldn't be much of a help anyway I'm afraid, I have no experience with piercings :( but I think you should do those ice cubes with tea and stuff maybe.

    ok ... you sound horrible. but isn't it a great feeling? sort of? I'd be proud. d'you know that silly "not grumbling, it's applauding" phrase? :)

  8. wow i just found this blog and i'm loving it .. i'm sorry but I am !

  9. here .. it's my link to my blog, you guys might not wanna read it cause I still weigh alot :/ but it's going off fast! THANK GOD!

    if you have any tips to make it go off even faster and please tell me how to speed up my metabolism during the day and night when I'm not eating :/