Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Back on track...Let's keep this going, shall we?

Today has been wonderful.

I say this as of 11:07 AM, but I'm hoping it will still be true as I end the day as well. We shall see.

My intake so far has consisted of oatmeal, three fat-free saltine crackers (for something crunchy!) egg whites with sauteed zucchini, tomatoes, and onions (only about 60 calories for the most incredibly tasty after-workout protein boost ever!) and two prunes (Cherry Essence something or other...AMAZINGly delicious and a much more natural way to keep yourself regular than our oh-so-beloved Ex-Lax).. Not that I don't stay true to the little blue guys, as well, but these help immensely without all the nasty side effects. Yay, fruit! Big fan.

Grand total for midday: 287
Workout burned: 270

Yes. I am happy.

I have not weighed myself, and I shall not. Not until Monday of next week. I'm going to try and stay true to the once-a-week thing, as I find that I'm far less depressed in my every day life if I DON'T know that number, if it's NOT hanging over my head every minute of every hour of my existence. I have enough numbers swimming through my brain as it is, and I don't seem to miss *that* one all that much, just so long as I get to see it once a week. It's odd, I know. But so far, it's working. Gotta stick to what works, right?

Today is a 900 calorie day. That's my ceiling, again. I would certainly be happy with less, but I want to give myself enough leeway at this point to make a few mistakes without totally ruining myself; if I have a lapse in judgement and happen to go over an intake ceiling of, say, 500, then I much, MUCH more likely to say fuck it all and binge out of sheer disappointment. But if my number is set at something a teensy bit higher, at least for now, then I have room for a little c/s (I know, it's horrible, but I'm not quite ready to give it up yet) and I won't be killing myself by 4 PM over the fact that I failed. Does any of that make sense? I hope so.

Last night, as I fell asleep with a growling tummy (love that! Oh, how I've missed it!), I thought about how the top of my blog says that yes, this is a pro-ana site. Then I thought about how lately, it doesn't seem that it is. I mean, I've been hating on my disordered eating habits and depression because all they do is cause me pain. I've been avoiding taking control of them because then I feel unhealthy...I should be *fighting* this, not relishing it... Right? I mean, that's what the world will tell you. That's what my therapist, and uncle (who is a therapist), and society will tell you. It is not *natural* to use this to my advantage; no, instead I should be trying to get "better," striving for the happiness and freedom that only comes with the acquisition of that elusive notion we call Recovery.

*sigh...* Maybe I'm a fake. I'm sure we all feel that way sometimes. I know I'm disordered. So does my shrink. But I'm a disordered woman who rides a fence, daily, teetering back and forth between a world of secrets and shadows and perceived "safety"...and a world unknown, full of promises of long life and happiness and freedom to eat and live as I please... That doesn't exist. That utopia, that supposed paradise where your mind is liberated rather than shackled... It's impossible. It feels impossible.

I am pro-ana on most days, I suppose, as I do enjoy my control, the feeling of hunger...living for the dropping numbers and dress sizes, despite the fact that I hate my disease, and find it to be the most painful obsession, the most agonizing aspect of life. Is that pro-anything? What IS that, exactly? And why must I find a label for EVERYthing? Ah...well. I grow weary of these thoughts. I'm moving on.

My tea is amazing. I mixed one bag of green tea with one yerba mate chocolatte... Yes, cocoa flavored tea!! What will they think of next? :)
I'm attempting to have at least one full cup of double-brewed tea before each meal. This should definitely reduce my intake...right? Well, not really, when the main issue at hand is not my hunger, but my insatiable craving for FOOD in my hands and in my mouth...Hunger has no place there. Eating when I am already full. THAT is the problem. That's why I'm not ana, I guess? That's why I'm EDNOS? Because my brain doesn't know what the fuck it wants, food or starvation? It wants both. Sorry, jumbled-mixed-up-indecisive-disorder, you can't have your cake (or any other food) and not eat it, too.

Ah, one more bit of something before I go...I noticed, while I was enjoying...yes, enjoying!...my delectable low-cal protein-filled egg white concoction, that my stomach is *literally* no longer able to differentiate between the signals "full" and "still hungry." Yeah. I had just eaten an entire bowl of very satisfying veggie/egg stuff, and judging by the size of the portion itself, my stomach *definitely* was full. It was pretty large. But as I sat there before that empty bowl, sipping my wonderful tea and staring into space (do that a lot), I found myself pulled, physically and mentally, to eat more. Just go get a piece of toast. Just one. You're still hungry. You're starving. But there was no possible way I could be. The feeling of hunger, though, was unmistakable. I took a deep breath, and another few swigs of water, and said NO. I shall blog instead. Toast shall not defeat me today. ;)

And lo and behold, all those experts are right. You wait twenty minutes, and you'll feel full. If only the binge-monster would listen to that rule...She doesn't care about that rule. She just - NOM NOM NOMs everything in sight, everything within reach, all with her little yellow earplugs in so she can't hear my voice screaming at her stop. Heh...I don't know why her earplugs are yellow. My imagination is silly sometimes.

Okay, all the time.

I've gotta run...Just realized that it's 11:30 and I haven't taken my meds yet today. Shame, shame, P.D.!! You know how shitty you feel when you skip your Wellbutrin...Ugh, hell on Earth, I tell ya what.

I love you all, muchos. I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs later...heh, I've lost count of how many I follow but it's becoming an all day affair to read them all! Worth every second.

I hope you're well...Stay lovely, my angels.


  1. I, too, am trying to weigh less. I find if I can just hold out and weigh less, I am a lot less frustrated. It seems like I succeed better away from the scale, but its probably just from fewer frustration binges.

    I know what you mean about not being able to label what you are... I don't know what the hell I am either. I feel like a poser. A lot. But I know what I have to do for me.

    I am so so so so glad you are having a better day today! It really does make me happy. You are a great encouragement to a lot of people and you deserve some encouragement as well. xoxoxo. Z.

  2. I love going to bed feeling hungry, and waking up feeling the same way.. its messed up but I love that feeling.
    Hope your wonderful day continues :)

  3. I have the same problem, don't know when to start don't know when to stop. Boo.

    Lets hope this can be learned.


  4. I LOVED your comment! It made me feel so encouraged! I'm going to try prunes because I have such a laxie problem-- I use them all the time and now I think i've made it to where I almost cant even go without them, its the worst! Your after workout snack sounds deeelicious and very low cal, omg! :)

    you're thinspiring me so much! eek! and such a low calorie count! Way to go, girl! xoxo, becca

  5. Same here, it's funny how we can love being hungry and at the same time love eating. I don't even know what my body wants most of the time.

    I love the way you personified binging though, I'm actually doing to go [attempt] to draw my own Binge, heh. Hope your day went well! :]

  6. I know what you mean! I follow so many blogs, and I follow new ones every day, so it takes me at least an hour when I come home from classes to read everyone's updates! lol It's okay, I love it :)

    When I eat, I try to take at least 30 minutes on whatever it is, be it a yogurt or an apple, or a piece of pizza (eek!). That way my stomach gets those full feelings before I am even done eating. I don't know if this tactic would work for you, but just an idea :)

    I love an empty stomach before I go to sleep as well. It makes me feel accomplished haha.

  7. damn... theres so much here i want to reply to...ok, here i go.
    -that all fit under 300??? Fuck... nice
    -my laxs are red... i'd like blue bettr, red reminds me of iron pills... for blood
    -i'd planned to only weigh once a week... i cant wait that long, besides, my alarm wont wake me up in the morning, but i jump out of bed no matter how cold it is to see whether i've gained or lost...
    -900 is great. im doing 1000 atm... just for the sake of it. i cant count properly with my dinners being prepared for me :(
    -c/s is awful... but i almost find it fun when i do... that sounds gross, but i just mean like its a game. you're beating the food. it thrt it could get u with the taste and u surprise it by taking that trick away.
    -people aren't really pro-disorder. not even if they think they are. i'm want to look sickly thin... but i dont want to be anorexic... i want to starve myself. but i dont want to die. i think we're all just pro-happiness. whatever makes us happy at the time is what we do. thats how its is. sometimes, pain makes us happy... ironically... some of us anyway. you know what i mean...
    -i love tea
    -im always hungry :( and not in the nice, im starving kind of way, in the bloated but still cramming rice through my teeth way.
    love you-BlAnCh

  8. I LOVE miracle noodles !!! But that's beside the point. I saw on someone else's blog that you ordered Topamax. Have you gotten it yet, is it working and how much did it cost ?

  9. My fingers are crossed that they both arrive soon and work as well for you as they do for Zen because then I will definitely be boarding the topo-train!

    Are you a fan of hungry girl ?

  10. Topatroop !!! LOVE IT!

    Hungry girl is where I go at night when I can't sleep and my stomach hurts. I love food porn, in my craziest of ana modes I watch the food network for hours...but I digress, hungry girl is the fantastic website where a crazy lady makes your deepest binge desires semi-guilt free...I say semi because all of this stuff still has calories however unfried onion rings and baked butternut squash fries are kind of amazing. Check it out, you will not be disappointed. SHe also has a miracle noodle alfredo recipe. It's quality, I've tried it.


  11. OMG girl your description of your little binge monster made me laugh my ass off. She sounds so naughty. I just want to flick her in the face and watch all the crumbs go flying.

    You are awesome!

    xoxo zen