Back on track...Let's keep this going, shall we?

Today has been wonderful.

I say this as of 11:07 AM, but I'm hoping it will still be true as I end the day as well. We shall see.

My intake so far has consisted of oatmeal, three fat-free saltine crackers (for something crunchy!) egg whites with sauteed zucchini, tomatoes, and onions (only about 60 calories for the most incredibly tasty after-workout protein boost ever!) and two prunes (Cherry Essence something or other...AMAZINGly delicious and a much more natural way to keep yourself regular than our oh-so-beloved Ex-Lax).. Not that I don't stay true to the little blue guys, as well, but these help immensely without all the nasty side effects. Yay, fruit! Big fan.

Grand total for midday: 287
Workout burned: 270

Yes. I am happy.

I have not weighed myself, and I shall not. Not until Monday of next week. I'm going to try and stay true to the once-a-week thing, as I find that I'm far less depressed in my every day life if I DON'T know that number, if it's NOT hanging over my head every minute of every hour of my existence. I have enough numbers swimming through my brain as it is, and I don't seem to miss *that* one all that much, just so long as I get to see it once a week. It's odd, I know. But so far, it's working. Gotta stick to what works, right?

Today is a 900 calorie day. That's my ceiling, again. I would certainly be happy with less, but I want to give myself enough leeway at this point to make a few mistakes without totally ruining myself; if I have a lapse in judgement and happen to go over an intake ceiling of, say, 500, then I much, MUCH more likely to say fuck it all and binge out of sheer disappointment. But if my number is set at something a teensy bit higher, at least for now, then I have room for a little c/s (I know, it's horrible, but I'm not quite ready to give it up yet) and I won't be killing myself by 4 PM over the fact that I failed. Does any of that make sense? I hope so.

Last night, as I fell asleep with a growling tummy (love that! Oh, how I've missed it!), I thought about how the top of my blog says that yes, this is a pro-ana site. Then I thought about how lately, it doesn't seem that it is. I mean, I've been hating on my disordered eating habits and depression because all they do is cause me pain. I've been avoiding taking control of them because then I feel unhealthy...I should be *fighting* this, not relishing it... Right? I mean, that's what the world will tell you. That's what my therapist, and uncle (who is a therapist), and society will tell you. It is not *natural* to use this to my advantage; no, instead I should be trying to get "better," striving for the happiness and freedom that only comes with the acquisition of that elusive notion we call Recovery.

*sigh...* Maybe I'm a fake. I'm sure we all feel that way sometimes. I know I'm disordered. So does my shrink. But I'm a disordered woman who rides a fence, daily, teetering back and forth between a world of secrets and shadows and perceived "safety"...and a world unknown, full of promises of long life and happiness and freedom to eat and live as I please... That doesn't exist. That utopia, that supposed paradise where your mind is liberated rather than shackled... It's impossible. It feels impossible.

I am pro-ana on most days, I suppose, as I do enjoy my control, the feeling of hunger...living for the dropping numbers and dress sizes, despite the fact that I hate my disease, and find it to be the most painful obsession, the most agonizing aspect of life. Is that pro-anything? What IS that, exactly? And why must I find a label for EVERYthing? Ah...well. I grow weary of these thoughts. I'm moving on.

My tea is amazing. I mixed one bag of green tea with one yerba mate chocolatte... Yes, cocoa flavored tea!! What will they think of next? :)
I'm attempting to have at least one full cup of double-brewed tea before each meal. This should definitely reduce my intake...right? Well, not really, when the main issue at hand is not my hunger, but my insatiable craving for FOOD in my hands and in my mouth...Hunger has no place there. Eating when I am already full. THAT is the problem. That's why I'm not ana, I guess? That's why I'm EDNOS? Because my brain doesn't know what the fuck it wants, food or starvation? It wants both. Sorry, jumbled-mixed-up-indecisive-disorder, you can't have your cake (or any other food) and not eat it, too.

Ah, one more bit of something before I go...I noticed, while I was enjoying...yes, enjoying!...my delectable low-cal protein-filled egg white concoction, that my stomach is *literally* no longer able to differentiate between the signals "full" and "still hungry." Yeah. I had just eaten an entire bowl of very satisfying veggie/egg stuff, and judging by the size of the portion itself, my stomach *definitely* was full. It was pretty large. But as I sat there before that empty bowl, sipping my wonderful tea and staring into space (do that a lot), I found myself pulled, physically and mentally, to eat more. Just go get a piece of toast. Just one. You're still hungry. You're starving. But there was no possible way I could be. The feeling of hunger, though, was unmistakable. I took a deep breath, and another few swigs of water, and said NO. I shall blog instead. Toast shall not defeat me today. ;)

And lo and behold, all those experts are right. You wait twenty minutes, and you'll feel full. If only the binge-monster would listen to that rule...She doesn't care about that rule. She just - NOM NOM NOMs everything in sight, everything within reach, all with her little yellow earplugs in so she can't hear my voice screaming at her stop. Heh...I don't know why her earplugs are yellow. My imagination is silly sometimes.

Okay, all the time.

I've gotta run...Just realized that it's 11:30 and I haven't taken my meds yet today. Shame, shame, P.D.!! You know how shitty you feel when you skip your Wellbutrin...Ugh, hell on Earth, I tell ya what.

I love you all, muchos. I can't wait to catch up on all your blogs later...heh, I've lost count of how many I follow but it's becoming an all day affair to read them all! Worth every second.

I hope you're well...Stay lovely, my angels.