Right now.
I pushed myself even further than I normally would in my c&s bingeing in order to finish all of the foods I had purchased last night... I almost want to list all of the shit on my grocery receipt just so you can marvel at the sheer craziness of ... me.
I had to finish it. I couldn't waste it. I couldn't throw it away. I can't spend money on food and have it near me...without chewing it. Eating it. Something. I don't know why.
I finished it.
And my mouth hurts...so...so much. I'm not full. I'm not hungry. I've spent hours...hours...chewing and spitting. I'm glad the trash can by the curb is so damned big. I have filled three large trash bags with all of the containers (and food) from the past 18 hours.
And I ... at this moment... NEVER want to eat again.
Now I'm just worried. Really worried, actually. Unnecessarily stressed. There's nothing I can do about what I've already done now, but what Zen said has me wondering...and researching... I could, if I were to continue this, theoretically develop hyperinsulinemia, metabolic syndrome, and eventually, diabetes. What..the..fuck.
That makes me sick to my stomach. I'm over here wanting to drive to the nearest drug store to buy some testing strips and a little pricker thing to see what my blood sugar looks like...I wouldn't know the first thing. I'm completely ignorant in this area. I'm just...scared.
I feel depressed and unhealthy right now. What's new, you ask? Well, I suppose I'm always depressed and unhealthy, but right now I feel ACTIVELY unhealthy.
If that makes sense.
I should go.
My back hurts, too. Why? I tend to stand sort of hunched over the table when I c&s...Man, this blows.
Anyone wanna give me a backrub? I have... like $20...left over...after I spent like $80 on foods that never made it to my stomach.
And because I've been depressing enough for now, I'd like to try and make you smile, or at least amuse you slightly:
(I might just rethink my stance on food hate if THIS guy tried his hand at convincing me...) ;)
Love you all...
<3
P.D.
There is a movie from 2005 called "Feed". Sickest fckn movie I ever saw. If you watch it, you will NEVER want to eat again... or speak to me ever again :p
ReplyDeleteI got all the bad food outta my house by binging on it. Didn't want to waste it either.
Your gonna be ok.
xoxo zen
don't worry, it happens to all of us! tomorrow is a new day! start fresh! :) keep strong! xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteYou are a very articulate woman, I'm sure you will be persuasive. And you are absolutely right, aside from it's great side affects, it is also necessity.
ReplyDeletexoxo zen
I'm with Zen, I binge on food I want to get rid of. I think C&S is better than purging, so congrats to you for not going that route. I am guilty of the C&S as well, so you are not the only one. You will get your control back. You've had it before, and it can come back. A momentary lapse of reason and sanity happens....I had my month of binging, I'm ready to get back into control with you! And the first step is having gotten rid of the C&S food stash.
ReplyDeleteOh, and thanks for the love on my post! :) It made me smile hugely. I always feel like I'm among friends on this little corner of the interweb. And I really, really am. And who knows, I'm sure I'm surrounded by girls going through the same struggle as I am. I just don't know who they are yet. But here, I actually know people by name! (or pseudonym, miss P.D. :D)
We can get it back. I can feel it. This is a springtime of change!
Much strength to you.
xoxo
I was thinking... if you really want to stop c/sing. Maybe you could just make a rule that anything you would spit out you MUST swallow. Then you'd feel full quicker, and it would be a "binge" and would be lacking the whole mentality of "it's allowed to be in my mouth as long as I don't swallow it." Maybe if you knew all the food would HAVE to end up in your stomach, it would discourage you from doing it. I would be worried if that would encourage you to purge more though :/
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR NEW FORMAT. It's wonderful, just like youuuu hehe <3
ur blog looks so pretty! have missd u , hope ur well. i always say that. like right now: i hate food. well. ill hate it even when im eating it, but seriously, i never want to eat again right now. i just need it to last the rest of my life
ReplyDelete:( i feel gross... i havnt c.and.s for a while... just cuz i always have ppl around me, sux
love
uuuu
:P
I would totally give you that backrub if I were there, and I'd throw in a free hug and all sorts of comforting reassurances, too...
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, you are strong and wonderful, and I believe you can overcome the c&s habit slowly but surely if you set your mind to it.
Another movie to watch if you want to be put off of eating and food FOREVER AND EVER is of course the 1970's classic "La Grande Bouffe" with Marcello Mastroianni - augh, talk about "appalling"...
Hope you are feeling better, sending you all my love <3
I think everyone before me has pretty much covered the "holy shit, we love you, don't get too down" aspect of things...
ReplyDeleteSo I'll tackle the medical aspect.
I don't know much about the other things you mentioned, but Diabetes is fucking scary. My dad has it, my girlfriend has it, my mom and myself are severely hypoglycemic...
And the list goes on.
I've had to catch Meagan as she just passed out, in the middle of talking to me. I've had to call her dad and stumble my way through keeping her live as she started having seizures and couldn't remember my name.
It sucks. And I know it's something that you'd never want.
Not to be nagging at you or anything, just a little insight from the inside (:
Ha that sounded cool.
But yeah try not to let things get to you.
I'm here if you need to talk.
YOU are amazing. Try not to take these little stumbles and bumps too seriously (EASY to say, I KNOW!!) because you are so so so strong and wonderful. You WILL succeed. There is NO WAY, that YOU cannot succeed... I read you and I believe it is in you. You're beautiful and you can do whatever you want to do.
ReplyDeleteHooray! First day of no C&S! The first few days of any new challenge are the hardest, I hope you can go further and I wish you the strength to do so!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of a way to christen my bracelets too. How do you christen an anti-purge one, dip it in toilet water? J/K! I was thinking of a "ceremony" of sorts, like some sort of stupid ritual I make up to make it legit. Like I'm 14 years old or something. Lol whatever it takes....
I just started bracelet numero uno. And I got paid time and a half to work on it! (Take that, Factory, for making me come in on overtime when there isn't any fucking work to do!)
All I had to say was "I need two more followers" and I got them right away. So now I'm being held to my 50 hour fast. Can I do it? IDK, I've never done anything longer than a whole day. It will be a challenge, but I'm up for it. I'm desperate for contol again. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm thinking of a Tuesday - Thursday fast, because I have a planned meal on Monday with the fiance.
So if you're interested in joining me, the offers there. Just sayin'. :)
Keep it real, yo. Peace out. ;)
I just wanted to say that I LOVE your blog. I adore your writing style, as well of your use of big smart-people words. Reading you makes me feel smarter, haha :P
ReplyDeleteAnd I've seen the movie Feed that Zen mentioned. And she's totally right. Fucking digsuting, but incredibly thinspiring. I highly recommend it.
After spending a few days reading all your entries, I whole-heartedly believe you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. If you believe in yourself just half as much as all of us do, you are so golden it's insane :)
Eedee.
at first i thought that was a vampire. i didnt notice the chocolate. lol. fun stuff :)
ReplyDeleteu got rid of it all now, dont worry about it. u can change ur ways now, its not too late.
dont depress urself over it - ull be fine, seriously.