Saturday, March 6, 2010

Spring Break is here...

To ensure that I felt less ugly today than I did yesterday (as I was determined to at least TRY) I did my eyeshadow extra awesomely. ;) You wanna see? You don't? Okay, here goes...don't look!

Guess you really can't see the little nuances of blue and yellow there, but oh well...I like it.

My head's all out of whack and my thoughts are rather disjointed, so please excuse the randomness of my nonsense. Thank you. ;)

I tripped into Bloggerdom today for a very different reason than I normally come...I need grounding.

I need to feel safe and find something familiar and remind myself of that lovely reality I so often forget: I am not alone in this. This is the only place I've found thusfar that offers me these things.

I've spent the day eating, much as I did yesterday and the day before. But today was different, somehow. Perhaps it's because I weighed myself for the first time in 6 days. Big mistake.

As the sun made its way into my room this morning, slanting its rays through reluctant blinds, my eyes remained closed... blissfully ignorant to a Saturday morning I wish wasn't here yet. I allowed my hands to make their daily trip down the sides of my torso and internally winced at what they found there. A good part of me was actually disillusioned enough to believe, in that one dawn-drenched moment of dissipating dreams, that perhaps the past month's failures were simply that...nightmares, imagined...easy to escape? The softness of supple flesh where hips should protrude tells the truth. First long sigh of the be joined by plenty more, I was sure.

The little one ambled over in pink Dora PJs and woke me from my reverie, advising me that she had to go potty, at which point she began randomly crying and fussing incessantly for no apparent reason. A few minutes of playing a game I've dubbed "Figure Out What B is Thinking/Tickle Little B Because That Always Works" and the tears were gone, replaced by that brilliant smile and a hearty little laugh that can't ever quite remember that discontent existed at all.

Ah, childhood. I often long for that attention span, or lack thereof. To turn off my mind and its eternal chaotic tailspin of pain and anger and anxiety and worry...for just a few moments? I'd honestly pay for that.
Oh, wait...I do. That's right...
The result is usually severe dehydration and irritability in the form of a nasty hangover...and it never feels worth it.

It felt like a fasting day. At least for about a minute. Then the healthy voice butted in and reminded me that fasting is not okay, nor is it a quick remedy for previous days of bingeing. My tongue flicked up to the roof of my mouth and this time my wince was visible; my nearly constant C&Sing has begun to make its mark on me physically...the sores behind my two front teeth haven't healed and we're going on two or so weeks by now. I suppose they're a little better today, but my teeth are still killing me. Even when I eat normally now (read: with intent to swallow for nourishment) my molars and top incisors ache and pulse with the pain of overuse. Is it worth it? No. It never is.

Doesn't mean I'm going to stop. I honestly feel I have no choice in the matter. (Of course I do, somewhere... Somewhere, I am still human, and so therefore I have a choice. In theory.)

No fasting day for me. One well-meaning bowl of oatmeal turned to two, and then of course B didn't finish hers, and I can't fucking see unfinished food ANYwhere without feeling the ridiculously overwhelming compulsion to dispose of it via my fat face... Sorry. Negativity breeds contempt, and I'm thinking I could use a hefty dose of it. Self-loathing always worked much more effectively than accepting my failures and looking forward to a "new start" tomorrow...Ugh, I don't know. Sorry, again...I'm mixed up today, and not really following a coherent sequence of thoughts or events. Kudos to you for sticking with me through it. Seriously.

So I decided this afternoon, after about 1200 calories of I-give-up-AGAIN-because-today-is-obviously-not-a-restriction-day binge food, to say FUCK OFF to the healthy voice. That voice (she is my own, she's not ANY 'she' and I know this, but shit, it feels better to personify it, so deal) has been the influence behind every one of my meals, and it's only rarely now that ANY meal doesn't immediately take the turn for Bingeville... I can't eat without bingeing. I can't. It's horrible. But given the option, of course, I choose thin. So I figured screw that voice. That's the voice that says, "Have you had enough protein today? Maybe you should have some eggwhites before bed.." and "You're dizzy because you're low on carbs and sugars...Have some bread." And I've listened. And it's not wrong. It's absolutely right. If I could have that slice of bread and walk away without leaving an empty bread bag behind me, then I'd be fine. If I could have just a few bites of eggwhites instead of moving on to the peanut butter and cereal and granola bars and cookies because shit, I JUST ATE AT 10 PM! so the world must be ending...then that would be fine. But since I can't...well, I figured I'd say screw it and try starving again. God, it would feel so good. Wouldn't it? Just to let go and let myself starve, eat as little as I pleased, paying no mind to how much calcium or magnesium or iron I was getting in my daily intake...I could be thin in no time. Right?


It's really hard being a health-conscious semi-responsible eating-disordered single mother with a future to consider...I mean, honestly...if I could just get myself to live in this moment now and in the next moment in a few minutes, not eating and exercising til I felt faint and avoiding all thoughts of health and consequence because NOTHING mattered more than reaching perfection... Wouldn't that be easier?

It's never easy.

I'm sorry if this was depressing. Shit, I need to find myself already. You'd think I would have figured it all out by now. I just know that seeing 137.6 this morning nearly broke me. I did so well for a week or so...then binged it all away, and then some. My entire midsection is disgusting. I look at the way the fat spills out over my jeans and I try in vain to remember how it looked when that stomach was flat and toned and nearly free of excess... Ugh. And now? What have I become? And why is it not enough to make me stop?

Sorry. I love you all. I could promise not to write until I have something more positive to say, but that'd be a lie. I miss it too much. So instead I'll leave you with something beautiful... I wrote a villanelle for my poetry class. For the first time in a long time, the poetry that flowed from my head to my hands was lovely, and about love. It was a nice change of scenery. I'll share it with you.

On Life

We dream of love, letting go of our woes,
Wishing, but never compromising.
Standing still, we wonder where the time goes.

Pay close mind to what your love sows,
As well as the seedlings as they're rising...
We dream of love, letting go of our woes.

Life will not wait for the runner who slows;
Spend not your time romanticizing.
Standing still, we wonder where the time goes.

Memories of sun, and sand between toes
Will ever be objects of your fantasizing.
We dream of love, letting go of our woes.

Years will pass, and when your age shows
You'll long for the time to spend revising.
We dream of love letting go of our woes.
Standing, even still, we wonder where the time goes.

Hope you liked it... My first attempt at this particular form. :)

Wow. This is very long. Sorry. Umm...I love you?

Hope you're all well...I'm going to make dinner for K (cilantro garlic shrimp tacos!) and try to convince myself that I'm not going to eat any because hey, I'm not even hungry after all of the food I've eaten today!...but ultimately fail and binge on the shrimp in secret as he sits in the living room and I "clean up the kitchen"...Ha! Fucking hilarious.
But not really.



  1. Naw, sorry to hear the past few days have been so bad, don't worry, they'll pick up again soon :)
    You look beautiful, and i love the eye shadow :)
    Xx. Lillie

  2. I'm sorry you've had such a poopy day, and even though it starts to grate on both of us, I'm sure, tomorrow really is another day...

    Bleh. Garlic and cilantro sound divinely sinful right about now. There's this great mexican restaurant near where I live that has both of those things... I shall resist. I shall resist. I may walk, that'd burn the... no, resistresistresist.

    I love your blog. Even when you're having a bad day, you make it sound somewhat enjoyable.. at least in hindsight. [?] Don't ask, I can't tell.

    I love you! I feel the same way about this blog - "Maybe if I set a goal where I don't blog until I've reached it, I'll get something done??? Nah..." I need this place. Like you, it's the only place in this mad world where I feel semi-human.

    I'll be thinking of you!

  3. PS: I looooooooove your eye shadow and your hair! Even if the thoughts beneath are jumbled, you stll are gorgeous and marvelous in every single freaking way. Boo. Ya.

  4. We are on the same road. That same pessimistic bitch whispers in my ear too. I endure the same self loathing that should prompt me to improve myself, but has the opposite effect. I (and many many others) can absolutely relate. Don't ever stop sharing. We all need you.

    As for the "miracle drug". Don't go the off-market route. Too scary. Something could go very wrong. I will keep you updated, it may not even be a miracle afterall.

    Much love,

  5. Ahh, I love your makeup. Teach me your ways, O master.