Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mia made my throat all swell-y and big. Yep. Got binge-neck?

I don't have a whole lot of time at the moment...shit, I actually have like...ZERO moment...

Coffee, oatmeal (140), and a protein shake (100). Good start to any day, right? Let's hope so.

I want to starve today. I want to feel the hunger and the dizziness of the last week return to me. I lost it yesterday. 1,400 calories, and I felt...satisfied...physically, of course. Mentally? I wanted to punish myself. I purged again, after c/s'ing far too much ice cream. Seems like a blur now. It was to die for. So good. It shouldn't feel that good to do that. Topamax! Hurry! Get here, now! A few more weeks, probably, before it will arrive.

I've been trolling blogs for thinspiration...reminding myself of all that I can/will have when I am thin. The lean, toned torso; skinny-mini legs; AMAZING ribs that show without having to even try and show 'em.

They must be mine.

I must remain hungry today.

600 or bust, baby!

Oh, and the scale tells me 137 again today. I know it's water. Still. I hate seeing that number. So discouraging, ya know?

Can't let it bring me down, though. Negativity and a loss of focus = lapse in control, which, in turn = consumption of food, then FATNESS. Yes. That's my logic.

I love you all... Thank you so much for sticking with me through every bit of this. Promise a better post soon.


  1. haha i hate getting binge neck! :p

  2. Isn't that purge neck? hmmm... I only get all sore and puffy when I purge.

    So do you atleast have a tracking number for the Topamax? Or is there info on the website on estimated delivery date? So expensive to be elusive... eeek.

    Read up on it too, the Topamax. I has icky withdrawal symptoms... like seizures, even if you have never experienced one before. It effects that part of the brain. You have to be tapered off. Not trying to be a douche. Just did some research cause I am a bit worried about you getting it w/o supervision.

    OK enough being yo mama.
    No more purging child... NO MORE! You hear me?! I mean it, or you are grounded!
    Kay, I am really done being yo mama, I promise.

    Much luvs,

  3. I am totally going to starve today too. I had breakfast, and that's all I am going to have for solids the rest of the day. May need a skinny latte this afternoon for my 3-5 class, but no solid food! Also, I have mega nervous stomach because of my exams today, so I don't really want to eat anything anyway lol.

    The scale will go down, just be patient. I know it's hard. I am right there with you. Hopefully we'll both see lower numbers tomorrow!!

  4. it's what most of us want. good luck for running on empty today. stay strong, lovely.


  5. GIRL. Thank you so much for your comment of concern a couple of weeks back (would you believe you're the only one who noticed I was gone? lol). Truly it means so so so much to me, especially cause of what I was going through,the reason for my absence. Scary, lonely shit!

    Anyway I am so so so happy to be back and be in touch with you once again, and to be reading and catching up on your blog. I already feel totally re-inspired. You're such a gem, you know?!

    Lots and lots of strength and love and I don't need to say it cause I know you will,but ... stay lovely ;)


  6. Thats my logic too :) Hope your day goes ok,

  7. Hi :) I've been reading your blog for awhile now, on my cellphone, (except for the rare times when I can pilfer someone's internet... Shh... Don't tell!) and I just wanted to say that I think you are beautiful, and so strong <3 So many times I have sat down, wanting to eat junk, and instead I read your blog. And it inspires me <3 And since we all know you're such a comment whore, I thought it would be good of me to leave you one as a thank you ;)
    xoxox Alisson