Monday, March 22, 2010

My metabolism make-a me CRAZY!


That's what the scale tells me this morning.

I should be rejoicing, right? Instead of questioning...

I can justify just about anything (as many of us are apt to do in times of desperation or confusion) and I can usually come up with a relatively logical explanation for the many odd little circumstances and events in my daily life...

..but honestly? I've gotta stop making up shit.

I see the number on the scale and I step off. I wait. I step back on. This is normal, right? Sure, everyone does this, five, maybe even eleven times...

Okay, maybe not eleven.

It doesn't change. 135.6, it says, and I'm officially confuzzled. Wasn't it 138.something yesterday? And didn't I consume at least 2,200 calories yesterday, as well? Didn't I end my night with a piece of chocolate, a bowl of cereal, string cheese, and two handfuls of crackers?

And it's down?

My metabolism, see...It likes to fuck with my head. I starved myself throughout last week, only to see the SAME 137/138 on the scale by the week's end. I felt so...defeated. I was already physically weak from negative intake... and now it was after my determination. (Don't know what "IT" is, but IT's something evil.) All of my work, all of my effort, for nothing? To see not even an ounce of permanent loss?

And so I ate. I didn't full-on binge, but I definitely ate some things I shouldn't have, and I most certainly ate FAR beyond the point of being full. I even let myself have/punished myself with a 400 calorie Frappucino. I weigh less.

My rationalization? I may have put my body into what can be seen as the beginnings of the notorious "starvation mode" (I add quotations of doubt here because I'm still not sure I believe in this BS) by starving so well for the past six or seven days... Eating just little enough to tell my body to start storing fat rather than burn it. Thus, the stagnation of the scale. Then, just *maybe* eating over 1,700 for two days in a row reminded it that all is well in P.D.ville and that it's okay to go ahead and stop holding onto EVERY SINGLE THING I put into my mouth/body.

Hm. I'd like to think that my hypothesis is correct, but there's really no way to tell. I wish there was. You remember the Magic School Bus? Those books, that cartoon? Wasn't it great, how they could just shrink the fuck outta their little yellow school bus and zoom and zip right up someone's left nostril to see what was goin' on in their brain?

Yeah, they should invent that. (Once again, I'm not sure who "they" are, but "they" should be wealthy intellectuals with school transportation invention prowess...) Yes. That would be mighty convenient, no?

So I'm fairly sure I failed my chemistry exam today. Scratch that... I'm positive I did. I'd be willing to bet money on it. I don't have very much money. That should give you some indication of how certain I am of my own failure.

Whatever. I really didn't have the chance/motivation/desire to study for that exam. I hate chemistry. The entire time I was reading my chem book, little B (bless her perfect, innocent, beautiful little heart) was asking me if she could help me study. I asked her how she intended to help me. She said that I could write a word, and then teach her how to write it.

And so I did.

Of course, this took about twenty minutes and had absolutely jack shit to do with chemical formulas, ionic compounds, fuel cell batteries, etc., but all in all, I think it was a FAR more enriching experience than any of that other shit could have afforded us.

Moral of the story?

Chemistry sucks and being a parent first is ALWAYS more important.

So I may have to take the class again next semester. Hopefully I'll get a better professor and everything will be just dandy... or maybe I'll take astronomy.
You may think that chemistry would be more useful in life, but I'd have to disagree. Who the heck DOESN'T want to go to a dinner party and, whilst sipping on fancy wine and chowing down on expensive caviar, be lectured in the awe-inspiring science of how frickin' badass I am because I know the names of every single star in Orion's sexy muscular constellation bod? Hmm?

All right, I should go. Sorry, long-ish post. I've gotta go write a sonnet for poetry class and then read a chapter on how cool odes are. Yeah. Odes.

Hope you're all just wonderful! Can't wait to catch up with all of your stuff.



  1. About the metabolism thing... my body did the same crap to me this week!! I ate LETTUCE all day long and gained 4 lbs. Next day I binged and lost all but one. What the hell? Next day I starved and weighed the same getting up as I had when I went to bed. Don't understand it. So so sooooo frustrating.

    You were making me laugh about the orion stuff and being so cool and posh... haha. PD, you are GREAT, and you sound like a wonderful mother. Stay with it... we WILL be skinny!

  2. You know, I really, really hate when metabolism does that. Why does it do that? I can maintain during a binge, then have a day of control and starvation and be UP the next day. What is that shit about??

    I couldn't be bothered to take chemistry while I was in school. I took every other science I could to avoid chemistry. I don't know why, my brain just doesn't comprehend the lameness of chemicals and their bonds and ions and blah blah blah. Now Biology? I love that stuff. Except the part when they go over the CHEMISTRY of life. And then it comes around full circle.

    Moral of the story? Chemistry is a useless science. (Okay, maybe not really.)

    And being a mommy is always more important.

    Maybe that little high-calorie moment is what you needed to kick off the weight loss train a-runnin. (I don't know if I buy that "starvation mode" crap either. I don't give my body that much self-realization credit.)
    Maybe now the starvation will have a more epic effect. Its okay to dream. :) I'm hoping a week long liquid fast will push me in the right direction.

    Eh, at any rate, good luck.


  3. i ate under 500 calories every day for a week, and stayed bloated and my weight was about the same.
    but for the last two days i lost control and ate a crap-ton of stuff... and lost weight.
    what the hell is that?!

    but yeah, i'm just the opposite- i made terrible grades in biology and physical science. because it didn't make sense to me. but as soon as i hit chemistry, i just GOT IT. apparently i'm backward from the rest of the population.

    great blog, by the way.

  4. I hear 'ya - I'm totally big on the failing of exams lately; I got one tomorrow and I am so gonna fail it for the simple reason that I did not study, end of story.

    And chemistry is totally my all-time-favourite-failing subject, too...
    Also, I don't in fact remember that Magic Yellow School Bus, but I DO think "they" should invent a shrinkage devise like that!

    Yay for metabolism kicking up and kicking off the pounds!
    I really enjoyed your post today in general, it was funny and uplifting, go you! <3

  5. ... aaaaand, I just laughed my entire ass off at "...MUSCULAR Cigar Roller!..".
    Which is quite a feat considering it is so gigantonormous atm.
    That's all :)

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  7. I love hearing about you and your daughter (as creepy and stalkerish as that sounds...)! It makes me smile! I'd bet all the money I have (which, as you seem to be able to relate to, is not much) that you are the most amazing mother <3
    Don't stress about the logic of your weight, it'll only confuse you to no end! Just enjoy it. :)
    xoxox alisson

  8. You know, you are wonderful. I love reading you and you simply fascinate me. It sounds as though, on the whole, you aren't doing that bad!!! Keep that weight dropping (although, from your pictures I have seen, you HARDLY need it!!!) and lady-- you are going to be somethin'!!!! Your little girl seems like a doll <3 Stay strong, skinny!! :P

  9. Oh, Magic School Bus. I mentor a little girl in reading every Tuesday with this program that provides you with all the books, and they give us all these Magic School Bus books but they are so long and boring and I hate them and so does she. Haha that's what I'll always think of now.

    I wish I could know what was happening in my body! The problem is that our bodies are too damn efficient. They want to stay strong, healthy, and blubbery and when we change that the body adapts and resists. It's such a terrible guessing game.

  10. PD! You rizzle my sizzles with every word you typizzle! For real.


    Damn, it's fun to talk like Snoop Dogg. I may even go the rest of the evening talking such as this! Then again, I may also go bridge-jumping, whilst forgetting the muy-importante ROPE, and you'll hear about me on the six-o'clock news, a blip on the wavelengths and pixelated whats-its.

    I don't know what's happened to my vocabulary, but it's got down the depository...

    Anyway, I've forgotten half the things you said last, but I wanted you to know I do read every post of yours, and they all tickle my delighted fancy. Er, hetero-ly, PS. :) Because I LOVE YOU! I do, I do, I do. No lie, baby. Meow!

    Oh, no-z, she's lost her blubbing mind!

    You manage to crack me up no matter what you're talking about, and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, or what. Then again, I'm also easily amused, but that's got nothing to do with your undeniable awesomeness.

    Anywho, the Magic Schoolbus rocks! I watched that religiously as a wee brat, and I remember one episode quite clearly, where the kids all thought Miss Frizzle was turning their parents into vampires, and they tried to stop her. It was quite entertaining, and realistic, to my eight-year-old senses. Yessss....

    I've had my metabolism do that crap, and it sucks. However, I am super-happy for you to have gotten your can-do 'tude back! Just goes to prove the Awesome thing I was talking about.

    Alright. I think I'm done writing you a novella, but please do tell more, I eat it up like yummilicious, calorie-free, amygdala-nutritive Dino-vitamins!*** :D

    ***Yummilicious, calorie-free, amygdala-nutritive Dino-vitamins can be found in any health food store or Mal-Fart in your near vicinity.


  11. Congrats on the metabolism-boosted-weight loss! Perhaps your body is hinting something at you ;]

    Your comments make me smile =]
    p.s I LOVE the magic schoolbus, and in fact I just watched the episode on "light" the other day. xD

  12. I think it takes a while for our body to store fat. Like if we over eat, and gain a lb the next day, we go into a panic but it is not fat just yet, it is only water weight.
    So the hard work we do one week, may pay off the next.
    I am not scientist though... my brain cells consist of mostly water weight.


  13. Yes, we will!

    Thanks for the compliment - I am really flattered you like my writing, as I happen to think you are an excellent writer as well.

    I've dabbled with the idea of making a living in this field before, but then again I never trust my writing to actually be good enough, plus I'm goin in another direction atm... but maybe one day, who knows.

    ... and I am further cluttering your comment box here, which of course means you should do a new entry some time so I can clutter that ;)