Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just filled five plastic grocery bags with what I *WOULD* have eaten...but didn't swallow...

*This part was written this morning, right after art class...but I didn't get to post it because the internet connection at school was failing at life...*

So I don't have much time (I've gotta run to an appointment, but I'll be sure to try and post more tonight)... I just wanted to share something with you.

I'm quite puzzled by this. Perhaps you guys could share some effing insight. Hm. Sorry. I'm feeling argumentative, ornery, and bitchy right now. :P

So check it out. Here's a picture I took last night of me looking somewhat thinner:

And here is a picture I took immediately after that one...with me looking... FUCKING HIDEOUS!

I don't get it, to be honest. I really don't. It looks like two different people.

I can't stand it. I have to run, but I love you guys! Hopefully I didn't just blind your lovely beautiful pretty little eyes with my disgusting fat flabberiffic thighs.

And yes...that sort of rhymed.



Okay, and so' 8:38 PM. And I've fasted all day...well, up until about two hours ago. At that point, I proceeded to chew and spit my way through about half a shopping cart full of ice cream, cake, pie, cookies, biscuits with gravy, random frozen entrees, pizza, more cookies, more cake, pasta, and seafood. I'm not even close to kidding. You case you were wondering. So 130 calories to start my day ( and then nothing all day. Pretty decent. For me.

And then. It happened. I broke. It really started yesterday, when my uncle informed me that he'd be out of town for business trip, and I'd have the house to myself for three days. Holy. Fuck. Shit.

My IMMEDIATE reaction?

BINGE BINGE BINGE LIKE A MANIAC, P.D.!!! (No, I don't really refer to myself in my own internal monologues as know.)

So I spent like $60 on binge food. C&S food. That's a huge fucking waste, isn't it? I'm a horrible piece-of-shit person for doing that, aren't I? Yes. I'm not all that fond of myself for doing that. Now that THAT's out of the way...

I apparently didn't swallow all that much of anything, since I'm not feeling full like I do after traditional binges. Most times, when I have a big c&s session like this (though this one definitely tops all previous episodes), I purge immediately afterward, just to be sure I get rid of anything that may have accidentally meandered on down to my very hungry stomach. Not this time. I'm not alone. My daughter has never been present in the house with me when I've purged, and I will NEVER do it when she's within a five mile radius of this, the aftermath of my failure of self-control. Never never never. Just won't do it. And so here I sit, with a belly *nearly* full of c&s remnants...Fucking ice cream is so hard to spit out. Not because I don't want to, but because it's melty.

The house smells like garlic bread (an entire loaf of and out, within minutes...) and chocolate lava cake (480 calories for ONE tiny palm-sized cake...REALLY glad I didn't actually *eat* that!). Not a good combo, now that I consider it.

So while I was doing all of this (are you wondering why, by any chance? Why do I do this? I'll get around to that eventually...), I started wondering something. What if I were to fast for a week or so, only running on what little I actually swallowed from my c&s sessions...since I can't seem to stop them from occurring anyway...Would I perhaps lose more quickly that way? You know, instead of eating my regular 500 calories a day AND c&s'ing...which I'll usually consider to be a 300 calorie addition to my daily count, just to be safe. That's probably generously overestimating, but I'd rather bet high, ya know?

So yeah... I started thinking about this. But then I realized that most of the stuff I c&s, if not all of it, is junk I'm not "allowed" to eat anyway, like donuts and cinnamon rolls and pasta (all of which were on my menu tonight as well, btw)...and living on inadvertently ingested calories from THOSE foods is really not the best idea. First of all, I'll feel like shit constantly, living on tiny amounts of sugar and carbs. Secondly, if my body is physically starved for any length of time of valuable protein and fiber and whatnot, and then only given those nasty sugars and carbs...chances are I'll only gain more fat, and lose more muscle. Bad news bears, that is. So that's a big fat no. Hm.

This post is already pretty long, seeing as how it included two separate entries. I'll have to save the rest of these thoughts for next time, so as to avoid boring you all to tears. Thanks for reading, as always...


  1. My dear, do not worry. C/S is better than binge/purge. Try and focus on the positive! Look at those skinny little arms and tiny waist, girl! <3 Also, collar bone envy.
    As for your pretty little body being starved of things that you need, try vitamins. Just make sure they're like kids ones or something that you can chew. 'Cause I have some that if I take when I haven't eaten a full and proper meal (when do I ever eat proper, as a side note... ) they make me sick. Like hovering over the toilet thinking I'm going to puke but never actually doing so sick. Avoid those. Not fun. Though it's good if you don't want to eat I guess...
    I'm getting off track.
    try some vitamins, lovely <3 Perhaps they'll make you feel better in the long run?
    Kudos for not wanting to purge near your daughter. More (unneeded) proof that you are an amazing parent.
    This is an epic long comment...
    Stay strong, sweetheart. This C/S stuff is merely a phase and you'll be wonderfully free of it in no time.
    xoxox alisson

  2. Good lord woman, did you know c&s raises your insulin levels? I wish I knew some way to help you keep that shit out of your mouth. But, I know it is a strong compulsion to fight.
    An entire loaf of garlic bread? LMFAO. God I miss garlic bread. I used to binge on (and swallow) entire loaves of that shit.
    My tummy is gurgling now.
    BTW... your pictures look lovely. Nice tats too.

    xoxo zen

  3. Looks like we both suffer the same curse of being much smaller on top than on our bottom halves. It's a mindfuck isn't it?

    Anyhow I can assure you that your legs look leagues better than you think they do. You're gorgeous, plain and simple. If only we could see ourselves this way, aye? Anyone up for trading eye sockets?! :p

    I agree c/s is better than b/p, so I'm proud of you for not going balls to the wall and eating yourself out of house and home hehe

    Btw I am amazed that you can c/s ice cream.. that's a talent!!!

    Lots of love as always girll


  4. Oh and I know I have said this what seems like a million times but GIVE ME YOUR ARMS, WOMAN. they're perfectly magnificent. <3

  5. How is your stomach so flat after having a CHILD?! God, mine hangs over my pants like a fucking BOOB. It's nasty. You look nearly perfect to me - I'd kill for your abs!

    Good for not purging when your baby girl is around. I have never been able to purge, and I always tried to eat dinner with my family, so that the kids didn't know the extent of my restricting. I suppose it became obvious later, though. I still won't smoke around them, that's a habit they should NEVER pick up.

  6. Here is the jist on how insulin affects weightloss...

    If your blood sugar spikes, causing a large release in insulin, your body cannot use fat for fuel, even if you are operating under a calorie deficit.

    Insulin is a hormone that causes the body to use glucose from the blood, and stops use of fat as an energy source.

    When insulin is absent (or low), glucose is not used by the body and the body begins to use fat as an energy source.

    Insulin spikes do increase hunger. Which also occurs with Binge/Purge. *I am not condemning any of these habits.

    You just mentioned fasting in addition to c&s, and I think it may be difficult. Or lead to more lapses.

    The less you do it, the more successful you will be at restricting.

    You are beautiful. And obviously successful at your weightloss. But it must be tumultuous.

    Any news on the Topa? I have absolutely NO appetite anymore. Am at about 200 cals max per day.

    xoxo zen

  7. OMFG that was a long comment... sorry about the verbal diarrhea.

  8. The spike may be from sugar being absorbed through your mouth or because you swallow some of the food.
    I read some more about Topa in my PDR and the risk of seizure is caused by withdrawal from the drug. You have to taper off very slowly. Since you are getting it online, I was worried you might run out and have to stop taking it abruptly.
    If ever do get it (smirk) I will email you all the detailed information.

    xoxo zen

  9. this was a VERY interesting post.
    about halfway in, i noticed that i was concentrating so hard that my mouth was open.
    (and no, i wasn't drooling over your food descriptions. well... not a lot, anyway.)
    i see what you meant when you said that you chew and spit like a motherfucker. you're lucky- as soon as i get food into my mouth, it's like a magnet in my jaw won't allow it to open to spit anything out.
    only occasionally can i eat without really eating.
    btw, your legs aren't as bad as you think. or rather they might be, but still not as bad as mine. maybe i'll post a pic of mine tomorrow. to make you feel better.
    and i love how you are about your daughter. very inspiring. you seem like a great parent.

    ...i just lost my train of thought completely. hopefully i covered everything.

  10. don't worry .. it's much better than binge purging.. but i've never really been able to c/s .. i don't have the self control cause I like to swallow it :) lol so well i'm more of a b/p person even though i don't do it it's what i would rather do .. but perhabs i should try the other thing when I have a binge next time .. i won't though ! :) *knock on wood*