Saturday, March 13, 2010

Thank you all for your humorous and encouraging comments. :) They made me smile, although I didn't get the chance to read them until *after* the encounter with Mom's homemade foods yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Not surprising. I usually imagine things in the worst possible light...nearly always. It's not intentional. Just the way I've always been. I have my theories as to why this is the case but I'm feeling lazy so I won't go into it. :P

So I rounded off yesterday (even after the chicken [which was grilled! YES!] and potatoes) at approximately 670 calories. I was happy with this. Then I went and ate a 70 calorie yogurt and approximately 350 calories of sushi. Fail? Yeah. But not horrid. THEN... I felt like drinking. Bought some zero cal Sobe Life Water and some Metromint stuff...

...pretty good, but not a great mixer... and a big ol' bottle o' 100 proof Smirnoff vodka. Mmmm...Triple distilled fuckmeup calories... I thought I wanted to get drunk. I was stressed. It would feel good. Just settle in at K's house and get mah buzz on, forget about life for a few hours...

Oh but no. That would've been too nice, had things gone that way. As it was, I had a few sips of my drink, realized it wasn't nearly as good as it needed to be in order for me to *want* to drink it, and added about half a dash of orange juice. Better. But now I was tired. Sleepy. Drowsy, and weak from lack of food over the past few days. So halfway through my delicious adult beverage, I gave up on drinking. Meh. Whatever. Maybe I'd weigh less in the morning for having dehydrated myself a bit, and skipping on the excess cals.

W-wait...What? I'm not weighing til MONDAY...remember, P.D.? I couldn't help it. See, yesterday I cheated and weighed myself *after* breakfast (which, as you may know, goes against EVERYTHING in my plan and in my nature...) and *after* a big huge glass of water *while* wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and my running shoes. 142.8. FUCK ME. I couldn't believe it. Monday was 138.0. That was my starting point. I...I have no words. I've been starving myself like crazy. Running and walking and cleaning house and expending extra calories in every way I could imagine...Even with all of these factors (the breakfast and clothing included) it shouldn't be 142.8!?!?

*sigh...* That was yesterday morning. I woke up this morning and went to the bathroom. Stared at the scale. Warred with myself. Stepped on.
Wanted to cry.

I don't understand.

The weakness, the fogginess, the airhead ditziness that befalls me on day 3 or 4 of consuming negative net cals... It's been plaguing me and promising me, whispering to my subconscious that this will all be worth it, come, it feels good, doesn't it? Doesn't it feel amazing, that dizzy fatigue that says you're starving yourself? It means you're surely getting thinner...

But no...The scale says I'm not. I should have lost at LEAST a full pound by now...I'm so...ugh.

I know I can't give up. I know I can't let this send me into that all too familiar depression/disappointment binge that's waiting just around the corner. Sunday night, I will take my usual overdose of laxies and get an accurate reading on Monday morning.

I just want to see 135. I want to know that all I've been doing has been working. I've been trying harder this week than I have in months, and it's doing nothing.

Please...135. At *least*.

My belly *is* pretty bloated. Could just be a whole lotta something waiting to come out. Crossed fingers for that.

You want to see, don't you? You don't?

Ah well, avert your eyes.

Heh... The problem and the solution, all in one little photo.

I should go. I thought I had something good to write, but I realize now that I don't. 600 calories today, MAX.. 480, if I don't consume my "Emergency Use Only" 120 cal soup.

I love you dearly. Thank you for your continued support... You guys are the lights of my life. <3


  1. Just look at those gorgeous ribs! Keep it up love, you'll get to where you want to be.


  2. chocolate mint water? I am SO missing out on some oddly yummy sounding stuff.

    Uh, yeah, your stomach looks real bloated *snort* and so do your bones... gah woman!

    We are mostly water. So you could just be a bit bloated and whoosh, it will come off. tada. I love those mornings.

    xoxo zen

  3. I think the 142.8 came from the the breakfast,water, clothes, and shoes. Those things weigh a lot more than one would think! And the 137.8? Probably just a fluke, a little water hanging over from the sushi of the other day; sushi can have a pretty good amount of sodium. I wouldn't worry too much about it, you've been doing way too well to not see a change. Keep it up and stay lovely!

  4. It just takes time, if you bring the perseverence. Yogi makes a tea that deals with bloating. It's called Stomach Ease.

    Ahh the quickfix...

    We are about the same height.
    We don't weigh the same.
    You look pretty good.
    I'm wondering if a lot of this 137 is
    Muscle. A lot of it, as you say you are bloated, is water.

    You aren't going to get depressed because
    You are going to try again tomorrow.

  5. Dude, I have 30lbs to lose! And can I borrow some of that dizziness? I am way too lucid these days, need to be more in the weightloss mindset :p

    xoxo zen

  6. Don't you worry about those 142. Because you cannot see it. How bloody tall are you? Yes, 142 sounds horrible but you look really nice. I can see ribs. Can't you?
    also your stomach doesn't look as flat as it should be so I guess you took the photo after drinking or eating? Bloated it looks, yes.
    Don't worry, you'll get there in no time.

    Chocolate mint water - WHAAAAAAAAAT???? this sounds utterly weird. yep.

    wow. chocolate mint stuff. weird weird weird.

  7. Oh, P.D., how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

    Well, honestly, I can't. Just what, you know, you said, to me, uh, earlier? Yeah, that's like, totally me, right back at you!

    LMAO - I'm watching The Lonely Island's latest music video on SNL, and it's HYSTERICAL - old people making out. It's, uh, interesting...

    So, that was random, but true.

    Anywho.. you literally brighten my days and nights, and now the commercial is playing that song that goes "WHOOHOO... WHOOHOO... WHOOHOO...WHOOHOO... I got my head shaved..." Yes, I'm all over the place tonight. No, I simply cannot help it.

    I'm purdy sure I'd donate a lung to you, my strange[r] blogging queen-friend of the ages. Yes. Indeed.

    And, I don't know how else to express my love for ya, because your'e just so darn awesome, how could I even begin?..

    *looks back/up* Oh... well, that's a start, but not nearly enough... :)

    I loooooove you dearly! It is genuinely awesome to find someone else[s] who understands and feels similarly. It's a tough cookie-cutter world, and we are the sprinkles and nuts. Ah...

    Metaphors that don't necessarily work, but I like the sound of it. Too bad it's about cookies.

    Good night, and good luck, and mucho amore!

  8. Chocolate mint water? Is that good? It sounds like it has the potential to be really good or really, really bad. Hmm. Chocolate and mint are two of my favorite things! Except usually they are paired with milk of some form. Like milk chocolate. Or ice cream. :( But water? Yay!

    Good thing your mom made chicken, eh? My mom would probably make pasta with at least a stick of butter on it topped with a double cheeseburger and a scoop of ice cream. No lie. (Actually, she's not ALWAYS that bad...just sometimes. I'm a pariah to say "no" to her food, though. Can't do it. She'll make me feel too bad.) :D

    I usually keep a mental tabulation of what my weight *should* be with clothes on. I know what it is without, and I know what it should be with, depending on what I'm wearing. If theres a huge discrepancy I will immediately strip down to my skin and weigh myself and that way I know if I gained or not and if I gained then I am horribly disappointed for the rest of the day. Neurotic? Mayyybeeeeee.....

    Hmm....because of my +strength and -food today, I am fabulously dizzy and lightheaded! The one downfall of this though is that I can't think of anything else profound and insightful to say! (As if any of this thus far has been either profound or insightful...)


    I hope you are fab. Stay that way.


    peace out PD!

  9. what laxies do you use?
    and how can you be that thin when you weigh 140 something pounds? i'm not nearly as that thin and i'm well a bit more than that .. i'm not tall though 5'5 something like that 167cm