Wednesday, March 17, 2010

He's gonna miss my boobs when they're all gone...

My bewbies are getting smaller again... I lose them each time I lose weight. I've come down from a large C to a large A over the past twelve months or so... K has already said that yes, he notices a difference from when we first got together, but that it's okay cuz when we're both rich and he's makin' millions on his game, he'll get me the best new ones that money can buy. ;) And I'm totally down with that.

You ever wait for what seems like ages to get rid of whatever foodstuffs have made their way down into your intestines (decided to take a little rest there, have a drink, settle in, and set up shop-build a home-raise a family)...and then, FINALLY...after manages to work itself out and you're suddenly very noticeably slimmer? Like...without being too graphic, of course... after my trip to the bathroom this morning, hell fucking yes, I must have weighed like three pounds less. No foolin'. I didn't weigh myself because I was in a hurry and already dressed and all, but still...Like whoa. I felt like such a guy, wanting to snap a quick photo of the impressiveness of that shit (literally...ha... :P) and send it to my friends. Lmao...this seems ridiculous now, but I'm not even kidding... One time I was at K's house and I heard him cracking up like mad in the bathroom. Puzzled and curious, I asked him what was so funny in there. He was still laughing his ass off as he told me that he just HAD to take a picture of the ginormous dump he'd just taken to send to his friend, along with a caption comparing it to a python or some other rather large reptile...Ha...Men.

And apparently, me.

But I didn't take a photo. I did feel pretty surprised at how pleased I was with this though, just knowing that if I kept myself pretty empty today, I'd surely weigh quite a bit less tomorrow morning. As of now, I'm already at 495 for the day, at 12:30, and still feeling weak all over, but I can hang. I can make it. I'm feeling stronger than ever (mentally), even though my brain is still scattered (I'm gonna call it ana-brain) and I'm developing quickly into the worst klutz I've ever known...Dropping things has become more and more expected. My reaction time...that's what it is. It takes me a bit longer to react to things as they're happening. I know this is not a good sign. I know that my brain is lacking in oxygen and glucose. I realize this, and yet I keep it up. All in the name of thin, yo. It's obviously worth more to me than the health of my brain cells.

How fucked up is that?

I don't care, I guess. I don't know. I'm going to go ahead and work hard on convincing myself that I turly don't care.

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty bad day for c&s binges. I had like three or four. I always factor in these calories as well, about 100 to 200 for a particularly bad one. I'm estimating high, I know, because I do a reasonably good job at making sure I don't swallow any of it, but still. Ice cream, for example, is a ridiculously difficult c&s food for me. And yet I crave it. And so I do it. I just go into the whole binge knowing that I'll have to purge anyway, even though I'm spitting out most of it to begin with. Good ol' Mr. Barfy (my purple toothbrush) ended up showing me that I'd inadvertently swallowed quite a bit more ice cream than I initially figured. Wow. Good thing I got rid of that. I'm weighing in at 135.8 or so as of last night, so that means I've lost nearly 3 lbs in week. Not the best, but I'll take it. :D

That reminds me. I'm seeing visible changes all over...pants are back to being just a little slack, and the ribs in the center of my chest, where they connect to my sternum, are showing as well. Even my hip bones are jutting up more now, to where they do that awesome thing when you lay down and your panties are stretched across them leaving this concave little gap know what I'm talking about? Sure you do. :P Here:

I would take a photo of my own but I'm using my uncle's computer and he's a big perv anyway and I don't want to have that type of picture anywhere CLOSE to where he could find it. Ew.

But yeah, so I'm seeing the tangible evidence of weight loss, slowly, but the scale seems to be a bit high. Of course, since I'm like the worst person I know when it comes to overanalyzing and hypochondrizing (did I just make that up?) my little issues, I start pressing my fingers all over my abdomen where it's been a bit tender for a while. I find the familiar bump to the right of my belly button and shove on it a little. It moves, but barely. Hmm. I'm not liking it. It makes me look bloated, especially more toward the end of the day. I decide that I'm going to have it checked out once and for all. I skip class, call Planned Parenthood (cuz they'll do an ultrasound for like $80 or something) and set up an appointment, but they don't have anything til next week. Thursday. Should be fun. Meh.

I mostly just want to check that my IUD is still in the right place (it's been over three years, and it's only good for five) and that I'm all free of any cysts and whatnot (the women on my dad's side of the family are prone to them). I can't help but build up this elaborate (albeit ridiculous) story in my head of how it could be this huge mass of something (benign, of course!) in my abdomen and it totally weighs like ten lbs and so that'd put me at like 125 and that seems more correct, anyway, I mean, right? :P Haha...I am... ri-dic-er-rous. Yep.

Umm..Katrin? Is that right? You commented on a few of my posts (thanks for that! :D) but I can't seem to find your profile? Do you not have one? Anyway, I wanted to answer your inquiries but I usually do that in the form of personal comments on blogs...ya know? Soo... Get at me.

Ugh, my uncle's disgusting fucking mutt killed a baby rabbit today. AND ATE IT. Right in the middle of our living room floor. UGH. I felt like puking right then and there. Honestly. What better appetite suppressant? Nasty ass dog. I know, I know, they're carnivorous, they're supposed to be natural hunters, etc. I don't care. Do it outside. Don't bring that half-eaten bloody baby bunny corpse in here and chew it to bits on the floor where my daughter plays with her dolls after dinner.

Heh...I hope I ruined some of your appetites with that one. ;)

I'm off, my lovelies, to write a sonnet about goddess-knows-what for poetry class (which I very well may skip today because I'm lazy and weak and I don't wanna)... I hope you are well, and strong, and remembering what's important. No, it's not that food, and no, it's not catering to anyone's wishes about keeping you "healthy." It's THIN. That's the name of the game. Emptiness. It's pure and it's perfect and it's so easy to attain..You just have to WANT it enough. ...and you do, right?

I thought so.



  1. sometimes i skip long posts but i love yours. sounds like you're doing great. cheers for bones showing. &i'm thanks to the mental image of the bunny, i think i'll be more than capable of skipping dinner tonight. stay strong, lovely.


  2. I get proud of super sized shit too... you're not alone. I love seeing chest bones. You're doing awesome !

  3. "Don't bring that half-eaten bloody baby bunny corpse in here and chew it to bits on the floor where my daughter plays with her dolls after dinner." I just repeated that in my head a few times. its not an especially pleasant image, but its written really nicely. i like it!

    you and arent alone in girl-shit-pride. i've actually taken pictures of really great ones and sent them to my guy friends. gross, but funny.

    yay success! i'm happy for you <3

  4. yeah i have one :)
    idk there some kind of problem with the profile thing, when i try to follow somebody I sign in on a different account :/ an account i don't want to be talking stuff like this on hha but here u go :)

  5. hahaha "girl-shit-pride." This happened to me the other day and I almost called my roommate up the stairs to show her...!

    Omg, so as of last night you were 135, and you are doing so well, and with all that stuff out of you, you very well could wake up to be a significantly lower number tomorrow! Woo! You are almost back down to where you started before the gain, which means you are even closer to being even smaller! Go you!

  6. He he, I actually do have a huge cyst in my uterus. I like to think it adds at least 5 lbs. When I have my hysterectomy, it'll drop me 10, right? Such things to look forward to!

  7. Proud of your poo, eh?
    You are not alone. There is a whole website dedicated to that kinda shit...
    Rate My Poo
    Oh, and this is a great appetite suppressant too.
    xoxo zen

  8. Ohmygod, Zen, thanks for that link...hahah that's so nasty!!
    I love your blog so much, I can relate to some parts, and other bits make me laugh :) Stay strong!

  9. Ahhh. I love you. This just brightened my day.

  10. You remind me of one of my friends, in a good way of course. I do actually read your long, rambly posts and I find them hilarious/relatable.

    Keep up the good work! xoxo