Sunday, March 7, 2010

On my way back up...and that's hardly ever a good thing.

Weighing myself this morning, I desperately tried to recall when it was that I finally broke my 140 plateau. Four months ago, maybe? Five? Or less? I'm clueless. All I know is that I'm edging dangerously closer, every day, to hitting it again, but from the opposite direction.

I was so close to those 120s at one point. Now look at me. (Actually, don't, because it will probably make me very uncomfortable and I may just cry a little)...


As I type that number, I feel...stupid. I feel a thousand eyes gazing upon me, set in faces of pale, unforgiving stone, all smirks of condescension and grimaces of disgust. "You've no one to blame but yourself, you know. You fucking do this to yourself."

It doesn't feel like I do. It feels like I've been victimized, violated, raped. Every day I exist I'm thrown viciously into a dank cellar and closed up with no hope for escape. The darkness is nearly complete, only a single ray of light is afforded me from above...and this is only for my own torture, you see, for my hellish prison is walled with mirrors, everywhere you look, the ceiling, the floor, all of it cracked and distorted and telling me exactly what I want to hear, somewhere deep down, and exactly what I will one day learn to ignore... You're a failure. You are disgusting. You have no self-control and no concept of self and so therefore you are lost...and you deserve to be lost...out of sight...

I must do something. I must change this. It's so so SO much more than deciding one day to stop eating. Be in control. Just care for yourself enough to make yourself thin, you know how to do it. You know what it takes...

It's more than that.

It's the battle. It's the disordered side fighting for its life against the side everyone else wants to win...I have cheerleaders who spur me on to be the best me I can be...and I love that. But I know that I will not succeed in this until I am happy with who I am, away from this wretched body.

And I am so far from that.

I need to force myself to go work out. My knees are killing me. But the fat is killing me faster.

Love you all.


  1. That same voice chanting "You're a disgusting failure" will not shut up for me either.

    (We're sorely in need of a change of the yardstick by which we judge ourselves.)

    No smirks from me, P.D. Only tears because my friend is as miserable as I am.

    Is there something triggering the binge monster? Mine's called exams, and more frigging exams.

    I wish I could say something to cheer you up, but I'm a dark gloomy raincloud today. I'm still thinking of you though, and sending you all my love, hugs, and support.

    (And because I don't want to let go)

  2. I'm sorry you're feeling this way :( I can come help you search for your motivation if you would like! Perhaps it got lost in the washing machine or dryer along with that other sock? (I hope I made you smile with that, LOL!)

    But in seriousness, you need to do what will make YOU happy. If you are not happy with the way you look now, you need to do something to change it and make yourself happy. Sometimes, you can't worry about pleasing others. Sometimes, it needs to be all about you. As much as people are happy, I'm sure, to see you eating healthily, if it is not making you happy, then you won't be helping anyone.


  3. I've got the failure voice in my head super strong at the moment. "You look huge...everyone's looking and laughing at you." That's what I keep getting in my head..over and over and over. I'm sorry you are feeling rubbish as well :( :(

    I hope the voice shuts up soon!

    Love Battle

  4. I'm sorry, I know that voice all to well. Its a horrible one. You can do it though, its just one of those things that you will get past, stay strong, take care, xo.
    ps - thank you for the comment!

  5. No smirks from me, only comprehension and overwhelming love that I can't contain, and don't really want to, anyway.

    You have a gift for words, and for intimating what many others seem to feel and struggle through each day. That prison of mirrors? It's here, too. It toys with us, victims of self-inflicted crimes. Who will be arrested? Who will be condemned? It won't be this disease, no, this disease festers on.

    Wow, this isn't positive at all. I'm sorry... What I'm trying to say is, once again, you are not alone. Even as the agony causes light to fracture behind our eyes, and burn through the skin, you still got me, right here, right now, always.

    I love you. You complete me! :) Er, well, not in a creepy stalker way, more of a reason I spend so much time online, because I keep refreshing the page to see if you have posted anything.

    I didn't say anything. O.o


  6. You know how there is that triggering moment that kicks off that downhill spiral of binge eating and self loathing (it can be simple as one stupid cheat meal to a horribly depressing day).

    But, remember there is also that equally empowering moment of revelation that snaps you out of it. That moment that lights you up, that realization that you can do it, that you are ready to start now, be happy, begin anew. And every thing seems to fall back into place.

    Watch for it.

    Something will trigger this. It can be a simple sentence or phrase you hear or think Something that pierces through the darkness. Or a feeling that hits you just right. That light bulb moment of "yes! fuck yes!" I can do this, I deserve it!"

    Don't let it pass you up.

    You know what I am talking about. Stay strong, don't give up hope. Don't beat yourself up, just wait for the moment to swing back around and grab a hold of it.

    Much love, zen