Friday, March 26, 2010

THE c&s post...and...happy Friday?

P.D. needs to stop c&s...for good.

Has to.

Yesterday, which is managing to creep out of hiding only to spill its nasty way into today, was a wake-up call. An abomination. The death sentence of all of my best-laid plans.

I've been stuck at 136-138 for what seems like forever, despite my efforts in the departments of exercise and restriction (sometimes severe) to try and combat the evil of the flab that persists in my mid-section/lower half.

Nothing is working.

I thought at first that, wow, it simply must be starvation mode, right? Because that's what they all tell us? That's what they're waiting for, isn't it? For us to hit this slump in our weight loss so they can jeer and laugh and point their fat fingers in our faces, just to say, "Told you so!!!"

Yeah, no. You told me I'd stop losing weight if I starved myself, is what you told me. I have not been "properly" starving myself for quite some time, as I allow my binge eating/mia tendencies free reign in my life via nearly constant c&s. This is not...repeat: NOT...okay.

Or maybe I was just looking for an easy out, an external source on which I could lay this blame, for it simply couldn't be ME, right? Because I'd been ingesting so very little for so long, and working out at least four to five times a week, and so this stagnant rut of FAT, well....Well, it had to be something other than what I was doing...right?

Typical me, way to go. Externalizing. I do it without realizing nearly every area of my life. Fuck, that's so right on. Shit, I should be my own therapist., I definitely should NOT. Besides, I like mine. She's superwaycool.

The roof of my mouth is particularly sore from last night. My teeth are sore. The labret piercing that should have been nearly completely healed by now is still forming new bits of scar tissue every day, primarily due to the constant expulsion of masticated food from my mouth. Gross? Yeah, sorry. Oh, and the weirdest thing I've only begun to notice: There are two swollen areas on my throat right beneath my jaw that have been that way for over a month. At first I thought I may be getting sick (swollen lymph nodes and all) but then I realized they weren't going away, and I wasn't sick. I look like a bullfrog. I see now that they're not glands at all, but muscles. Vigorous chewing takes a lot of work, especially when it's done quickly with an effort to be quiet, having to take on very large mouthfuls at once. I've built up my throat muscles. Seriously. I'll try and take a picture for you.

You can see that, right? RIGHT below my jawline. It's much more humongously prominent in person, I assure you.

I must have chewed for nearly two hours, hardly a break, and then slept only to wake up and do it again. I dreamed of the food that awaited me... Who wouldn't? I mean, I only obsessed about it all day yesterday until I got to the store. I only spent an hour trolling the many aisles of forbidden foods that now, suddenly, were NOT forbidden, but ALLOWED!! Just so long as I didn't swallow. Oh, the possibilities! I was like a little P.D. let loose in a candy store...where all the candy was free! Except it was a grocery store. And none of it was free. And there were hundreds of people around, shopping, shopping, shopping for their families, for their friends, perhaps for a party this weekend...Probably NONE of them like me, with my grumbling stomach and weak, hazy feeling of hunger, eyes ablaze with temptation in which I was *GOING TO INDULGE*...

I felt guilty and ecstatic at the same time. My gaze fell upon hundreds upon hundreds of brightly colored packages, boxes, wrappers, and none of it was off limits. I had given myself a free-for-all type of permission...Just go for it! Do it! You won't ever do this again, don't worry...Just this once, take everything you've been wanting, craving, and c&s your heart out...

And this is why there's a pumpkin pie baking in my oven right now, at 7:32 AM.


But, if Zen's hunch is correct (and I tend to think her an exceedingly intelligent person), then my c&s bingeing has only served to spike my insulin WAY over what is normal or needed, EVERY day for goodness knows how long I've been doing this. My body stops using fat for fuel? It stores fat rather than burning it? Fuck! That's like...That's certainly on my top ten list of worst nightmares EVER. I daresay it would find a place on MANY of our lists...

And this is why I must stop. How much weight could I have shed by now, were I not sabotaging myself HOURLY with this bullshit? It's strong. The compulsion. The need. It started so quickly, as something fun, even. Hey, I get to taste chocolate cake again! Awesome! Donuts? Fuck, I'm definitely not allowed to have those, but with this...I can? ...It quickly became so much more. Planned binges, before school, at school, in the car, after the gym, as soon as I got home, and before bed. Hoarding food in my room so that no one would know, none could question as to why in the world I'd purchased two dozen donuts for myself...because everyone knows I don't eat that shit. No, I don't. I just...almost eat it.

How am I going to stop? I don't know.

I really don't.

I know that I still have a pie, two pints of ice cream, a half-box of cereal, a mini molten chocolate cake thing, and five frozen waffles to get through. I refuse to waste food, even if it hurts me to consume it. Fucked up? Yes. I know.

Part of me is scared to let this go. It's been the one area of my life in which I was able to relinquish all control, to give in to the part of me that wants to overeat all the time. Another part of me is optimistic (a SMALL part of me) and excited to see how quickly I can lose this flab if I'm restricting properly and NOT chewing constantly. A huge part is wondering if I'll be able to do it.


  1. c&s is a singular ED. Just like any other. One that you have to work at to change.
    You cannot blame yourself for having this compulsion. Just acknowledging it is good step.

    As for the lumps, I bet they are swollen glands. This is what I read last night...

    "When you think about or begin to eat, the salivary glands and stomach acids kick into action. The salivary glands work on the food in the mouth to break it down into simple sugars and make it easier to digest. When you c&s it ultimately leads to swollen glands, mouth sores, cavities, cracked teeth, sore throat, and irritated or ulcerous stomach".

    Yuk. But not any prettier than other complication associated with any other ED.

    The main issue is that it is probably halting your weightloss. Or atleast making it more difficult.

    Just take this one step at a time. Set a plan. Limit your intake, or time frame. Or set days to abstain. I know you are smart. And you will figure out what you need to do.

    Much luvs,
    xoxo zen

  2. interesting fact about the insulin. thanks for that.
    and ull be able to do it. just believe in yourself. its like any addiction, u just have to put ur mind to it.
    stay strong.

  3. I love it when your posts are extra long.
    It's like you start out being all witty and pissed off-sounding, but by the end your English is perfect and you sound even smarter. I don't know if I'm making any sense...
    As always, it sounded much better in my head.
    Anyway, are you right handed?

  4. its so interesting i swear. the only way to beat any addiction, is to addict yourself to it's opposite. When i was losing lots of weight last time i was... it was because i addicted myself to water. ... I swear. Food is such a funny thing. I love your blogs! ahh, i dont always comment but i swear they are the best read. lol. thankyouu