I feel so ugly today. Much more so than usual. My face is reflected in every mirror as a long, pale, patchwork of sagging melancholy...the drooping corners of my mouth mimic the lifelessness in my eyes. I've avoided reflective surfaces all morning and yet they seem to seek me out, reminding me that I cannot escape myself, regardless of how hard I may try to do just that.
I drove straight past the Dairy Queen. Considered it a small victory. Was still a bit disappointed in myself for even having wanted it in the first place, and even more disappointed still that I STILL wanted it.
Ice cream.
I didn't drive straight past the grocery store. No, I went right in, instead. I walked around a bit, picked up a magazine with a very skinny, very nameless blonde fashion model on the cover, and I felt like crying. I felt like I owed her something.
I don't.
I decided to purchase this magazine, imagining the thinspiration that could cover my walls, should I choose to use it as such. I would. I will.
I picked up a book on the power of positive thinking. Flipped through it and decided to buy this as well. There's a chapter in there about refusal to fail.
Ice cream.
I stared at all of the amazing flavors and types and sizes of packages with their brightly colored designs and deliciously decadent descriptions in tiny white letters, but no so tiny that I couldn't read every single last word...I'm a word person.
Ben & Jerry's. Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. In cinnamon cream ice cream, with chocolate chunks and real pieces of soft-baked oatmeal cookies. Somebody kill me, because NOW I've lived. What a fucking dream that was. 1250 calories in the carton. I'm sorry if this is triggering, btw. I'm just being honest. ...fuck, my chest hurts. Ouch.
Chubby Hubby. Chocolate and caramel swirls with fudge covered pretzels filled with peanut butter. YEAH. Seriously. Who the hell thinks of these things? And how the fuck much do they WEIGH? 1,100 calories.
Tiramisu, with real espresso soaked lady fingers. Not Ben & Jerry's. No, those were at least in pint containers. This one was ... ONE POUND... of ice cream. Yes. 1050 calories in the carton.
New York Style Cheesecake. 600 calories a slice.
Sushi. Healthy-ish. Yes. Eaten. Delicious. Not feeling too terribly guilty about that.
As I crouched over the toilet bowl, my mascara dripping down my cheeks in black tears, all I could think of was what we all think of after purging a forty-minute-long-five-pint-ice-cream binge..."I don't think I got it all up."
Oh, and...
"I never want to eat ice cream again...ever."
At least there's a silver lining?
I want to write more. I can't. I don't have time. I will later, though, and I hope you're all well. Thank you for listening to my pointless confession.
I was going to say I wish I could reach right through your laptop screen to give you a big hug, until I realised it sounds like a scene from a very bad horror movie.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what I mean. I wish I was next to you too to hug you and hold you (and we can cry our mascaras off together).
P.D, I don't know whether you've bought that magazine, but please don't cover your walls with it. Maybe I'm being too presumptuous, but I'm worried that your daughter might grow up thinking it's fine to do the same. Keep it in a folder if you want to use it to motivate yourself, but not on your wall?
For positive thinking, I strongly recommend Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love". She talks a lot about dealing with failure (a failed marriage in her case) and how she learned to love herself.
Hybrid food doesn't sound weird at all! I believe the euphemism for it is "fusion cuisine". ;)
I LOVE YOU.
Just because you're you.
*hugs P.D tightly*
i'm SOOOOOOOOO sorry you're in a bad place right now. i wish i could help you feel better. i have no words of encouragement or solace. if i did, i'd be a big fat hypocrite.
ReplyDeletehopefully, you'll find some peace in this though, you are NOT alone. i deal with the same shit. daily. hourly. all the fucking time.
bcuz i'm incredibly self-absorbed i will now explain why you are NOT alone. i've been having the same urges, but for sour cream & onion chips. i am at the store constantly (and at home) imagining buying 4 giant sized bags with dip (maybe 6), all different brands. i've been doing this fantasy day-dreaming for two weeks now, every time i'm at the grocery store or am even a little bit hungry. the only thing keeping me from doing it is the small fact that right now i have no money of my own and i can't justify using my husband's (who is really not my legal husband as of yet) money for binge food. but i've been counting the days until my first sub paycheck comes, knowing full well its for that single reason of buying binge food. blah.
no matter what. we all have these days. but remember, sometimes it takes 3 enormous steps backwards just to make one baby step forward. if that makes any sense.
i will be thinking of you. i know you will be okay and carry on. bcuz you have to.
Oh darling... I don't know what to say... only that, yes, I do know that feelings, inside and out. Where the reflection mocks every imperfection with merciless brutality. Only that we're going to make it through this, to the other side, the beautiful side, where everything is just A-OK-don't-worry-about-a-thing.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You're marvelous in every way. I love you. :)
Poor you :)
ReplyDeleteOh well, you have to have some bad days i suppose, otherwise the good days don't seem good.
Keep going, it's just a setback.
Xx. Lillie
I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I know how hard it is when it seems like everywhere you look, you see yourself reflected back as horrible. But you are beautiful and valuable and please don't let this tell you otherwise. Take care of yourself--you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteWow this sounds like me just the other day. It will pass, than you will starve, and we will all be happy and inspired by your thinness. This is the cycle of the community. This is what we do. Be happy, hon. <3
ReplyDeleteI feel so intensely sad for you....I know how rough that is. Being in the moment, but feeling like you're watching yourself destruct. You're a beautiful and caring person. Also, I don't think it was a pointless confession, keeping that feeling in about your unhappiness leads to even more difficult attempts to stop the binge before it starts.
ReplyDeleteEh, what the fuck do I know. I'm not your advisor, I just can tell you with complete sincerity that you're beautiful and that binge only matters if you let it.
Stay strong.
do we all know this feeling. the one when you can't stand yourself. and you can't run away from how awful and unworthy and revolting you are. i know it too. i feel so that i could be holding your hand and your hair through this. you're too beautiful a person to deserve this awful feeling. i'm so proud of you aswell though. You're so strong and these downfalls hurt you the most because they are not who you are.
ReplyDeleteLove-
I SO wish I was there to give you a big hug. There is such heartache in harming yourself in this way. You deserve to love and protect yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love you, in a non-creepy way. Hang in there. You will have much better days. I promise.
xoxo zen