Tope-Tope-...Topa-WHAT?!? I can't HEAR you!!!

That's right.

Got it.

After much conversation, quite a bit of convincing, and a little fudgery of facts on my part...It's mine.

Small dose at first, which is fine with me. I tend to be highly sensitive to prescription medications just starting out. 25 mg? Maybe not even enough to do anything, but it's still...legitimately...mine.

The ones I got online are 50 mg each, and I plan to keep them, even though I should have this hook-up through the school pharmacy consistently for as long as they see fit...Should I start to lose too much weight (is there such thing?) then I'll have to be sure and eat/drink a ton before my appointments, just to make sure it isn't noticed.

Ha, when the lady handed me the pills she asked the mandatory, "Have you taken this medication before?"

"No," I said, glad to be able to answer her honestly.

"Well, it can sometimes cause drowsiness, so be careful driving...and make sure you drink plenty of water; you don't want to become dehydrated on this."

Water makes up the base of my food pyramid...Check.

"Oh, and..." she paused here to chuckle a little to herself... "A side effect you may notice is a little weight loss...but most women think that's a good thing."

"Haha," I faked. "Is it really? Wow, yeah, I guess that wouldn't necessarily be bad."

I could hardly wait to take it. I know it'll be a few days before I see anything, probably, so I'm trying to keep my impatience in check. I took one before poetry class. I haven't felt hungry all afternoon, but that could be placebo effect. That could also be that I decided to stuff myself "one last time," thinking that if all of my food tastes like dirt from this point forward, at least I had a last hurrah, right?

Why, yes, Justification IS my middle name!

My calorie count is most definitely over 2,000 today. I didn't work out.

Yeeeaaahh...I don't think I'll be weighing tomorrow. Just doesn't do my psyche (or will-power) any good to see that fail number first thing in the morning, you know?

Hmmmm..I'm really curious to see how this will work. Seeing as how my binge eating problems/c&s issues are not AT ALL related to hunger, I'm hoping this thing will effect me in other areas than my appetite. I explained that to the good doctor; when I stuff my face for hours on end to the point of physical illness, nearly intolerable pain...it's not because I was even hungry at all in the first place. It usually goes down like this: I see food. Food is forbidden, because it will make me fat. I want food. Internal battle ensues. Food is then consumed. I feel sick. Eat more. I feel bloated, in pain, about to explode, probably causing my insides damage, and definitely wreaking havoc on my ability to see myself as anything but a fucking disgusting pig of a human being, hardly worth the time or attention of any living creature on earth...AND THEN...eat more. Because now it's punishment. Now you've done it. You deserve to feel pain, so eat more.

Sick and twisted. Oh yes.

Hard to believe a little pill could help manage this...but hey, first time for everything, right? I'm definitely willing to give it a try.

K's suggestion? I need a hobby. Something with which to fill my time and my mind, so that I can't possibly think about/have time for food or eating. The idea has merit, yes, but from where I stand, it's so hard to even imagine a moment spent without this constant obsession. It hardly EVER goes away. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking about how I shouldn't be. *sigh* I grow weary of my own ramblings.

I hope you guys are doing well...I'm going to go clean the kitchen and imagine myself thinner. Perhaps that will be my new hobby. When I feel like eating, look down at my thighs, and instead of concentrating on how gross they look as they splooge out of my shorts...Visualize them being super lean and slim, shimmering lightly, golden tan in the sun at the beach, totally bared because they're so FREAKING HOT that I want to show them off everywhere I go.

Yeah, that's hard. But I can try.

<3