The best thinspo I can find, walking all over my university campus...

Yesterday, I only c&s'd one thing.

Baby steps.

Today has been great. I woke up at 137.0 (three pounds down from the weekend) and worked out for about half an hour before coming to school. I sit here now, in the middle of a crowded cafeteria full of delicious, fatty temptations, with complete confidence in myself. I can do this. I will beat this. I am better than food.

I've taken to doing this quite a bit, actually. When I start to crave something, anything, and it's not one of my safe, self-planned-menu foods, I totally bitch it out in my head. "Fuck that food! What the fuck is it, anyway? FOOD. An inanimate object. *I*, however, am a STRONG motherfucking woman, stronger than I've ever been before, and *I* have the power to overcome a simple notion, a thought, a craving. Why? Because it's FOOD...and *I*...I'm just THAT badass."

Something to that effect.

It's working so far.

I took some pictures of my goal jeans for you. I keep them on my phone as motivation, reminding myself that if I CHOOSE to do so, I CAN and WILL be small enough to wear them, beautifully, effortlessly slinking into them, I'll be THAT thin.

Just to give you an idea of how small they are, there's my hand for reference.



And the best part? Check out the original price...


yeah...crazy, right? Who in their right mind...? But you see the discount tag? $4.98. YEAH. Yeah. That's right. I'm a bargain shopper. It's what I do.

Well, sometimes. Sometimes I just go crazy when I've got a little extra money and just buy everything under the sun no matter how much it costs because hey, I've got money, right? ...and for some reason, in that flurry of cash, in that rush of adrenaline, I'm a shopping-junkie, well on her way to a room full of cool, new stuff and a head full of buyer's remorse. That doesn't happen THAT often.

So my Topamax came in. I haven't tried it yet. It's at K's house. I'm scared and ecstatic and relieved and anxious and excited all at the same time. I want it to work its magic on me the way it has Zen, help me lose 20 lbs in a month, make all my sweets taste like dirt...But even so, I do recognize that various medications affect different people in different ways, especially considering I'm taking other pills along with it. I KNOW! already...so please don't feel the need to preach. I understand that there is an incalculable risk in experimenting with drugs like this...and I know you all just want me to be responsible, safe, etc. I will be as safe and as responsible as I ever am.
Fact of the matter is this: We're all desperate. We're all obsessed. We are all..well, most of us..mentally ill, emotionally disturbed enough to starve ourselves daily, for years, or to force our fingers and our toothbrushes down our throats again and again, hating ourselves with such passion as is comparable to nothing else on this earth... all in the name of a goal we can hardly manage to describe to another without choking up...It means THIS much to us.

It means this much to me.

Hopefully, tomorrow, after another appointment with my psychiatrist, I'll be the proud owner of a legal, legitimate prescription for something to help me with my bingeing/c&s cravings...That would put a whole lot of minds at ease, I'm sure, not the least of which my very own.

I'm considering waiting to take the Topa til then. Couldn't hurt. I've been waiting this long, right?

Right.

Umm...Here's something funny for you:



Hope you all are well! I'm going to do my best to catch up on bloggage and comment as much as possible...dang it, if life weren't so busy I'd spend a heck of a lot more time on my ass in front of this computer screen... ;)

<3