Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The best thinspo I can find, walking all over my university campus...

Yesterday, I only c&s'd one thing.

Baby steps.

Today has been great. I woke up at 137.0 (three pounds down from the weekend) and worked out for about half an hour before coming to school. I sit here now, in the middle of a crowded cafeteria full of delicious, fatty temptations, with complete confidence in myself. I can do this. I will beat this. I am better than food.

I've taken to doing this quite a bit, actually. When I start to crave something, anything, and it's not one of my safe, self-planned-menu foods, I totally bitch it out in my head. "Fuck that food! What the fuck is it, anyway? FOOD. An inanimate object. *I*, however, am a STRONG motherfucking woman, stronger than I've ever been before, and *I* have the power to overcome a simple notion, a thought, a craving. Why? Because it's FOOD...and *I*...I'm just THAT badass."

Something to that effect.

It's working so far.

I took some pictures of my goal jeans for you. I keep them on my phone as motivation, reminding myself that if I CHOOSE to do so, I CAN and WILL be small enough to wear them, beautifully, effortlessly slinking into them, I'll be THAT thin.

Just to give you an idea of how small they are, there's my hand for reference.

And the best part? Check out the original price...

yeah...crazy, right? Who in their right mind...? But you see the discount tag? $4.98. YEAH. Yeah. That's right. I'm a bargain shopper. It's what I do.

Well, sometimes. Sometimes I just go crazy when I've got a little extra money and just buy everything under the sun no matter how much it costs because hey, I've got money, right? ...and for some reason, in that flurry of cash, in that rush of adrenaline, I'm a shopping-junkie, well on her way to a room full of cool, new stuff and a head full of buyer's remorse. That doesn't happen THAT often.

So my Topamax came in. I haven't tried it yet. It's at K's house. I'm scared and ecstatic and relieved and anxious and excited all at the same time. I want it to work its magic on me the way it has Zen, help me lose 20 lbs in a month, make all my sweets taste like dirt...But even so, I do recognize that various medications affect different people in different ways, especially considering I'm taking other pills along with it. I KNOW! already...so please don't feel the need to preach. I understand that there is an incalculable risk in experimenting with drugs like this...and I know you all just want me to be responsible, safe, etc. I will be as safe and as responsible as I ever am.
Fact of the matter is this: We're all desperate. We're all obsessed. We are all..well, most of us..mentally ill, emotionally disturbed enough to starve ourselves daily, for years, or to force our fingers and our toothbrushes down our throats again and again, hating ourselves with such passion as is comparable to nothing else on this earth... all in the name of a goal we can hardly manage to describe to another without choking up...It means THIS much to us.

It means this much to me.

Hopefully, tomorrow, after another appointment with my psychiatrist, I'll be the proud owner of a legal, legitimate prescription for something to help me with my bingeing/c&s cravings...That would put a whole lot of minds at ease, I'm sure, not the least of which my very own.

I'm considering waiting to take the Topa til then. Couldn't hurt. I've been waiting this long, right?


Umm...Here's something funny for you:

Hope you all are well! I'm going to do my best to catch up on bloggage and comment as much as possible...dang it, if life weren't so busy I'd spend a heck of a lot more time on my ass in front of this computer screen... ;)



  1. You are so strong, dude. And I love your goal jeans! I wish I could do something like that for motivation. It was all I could do to get some stuff that actually fits me as I am now :P

    Good luck with the Topamax. I'd kill for some of that stuff if I didn't think it'd kill me first. Paranoia extremus.

  2. Oh thanks P.D. I've just been eating insane. I'm not even hungry, but I shovel food down! Hate!

    In all seriousness, I would sell my left arm for some Topamax. I read and started following Zen's blog. Her weightloss has been incredible. How did you get the Topamax? I would really kill to stop eating like this.

  3. I love you and I love your amazing little (well it's actually kind of big) mantra (in a totally non-creepy way).
    And look at those amazing jeans. You'll be in them soon enough!
    Stay strong and wonderful, because I know you are.

  4. ugh how can you be so strong!? i wish i were that strong .. that's it ..!! 2 kilos before easter .. give me 4 days,, it's possible right?! :D

  5. I missed youuuuu!!! And that spider is so goddamn scary! I can't imagine seeing something like that. I think I would never be able to use the bathroom again, from negative association of the toilet paper roll. *Shudder*

    Anyway, I hope the Topamax works for you! I'm happy for you that you only C&S once today. Sometimes, it really does come down to baby steps :)


  6. AH! SPIDER!
    Whew. Just kidding. It didn't almost make me cry...
    I love an amazing discount! Awesome jeans.
    Congrats on only c/s-ing one thing! I'm proud of you <3
    Where did you find the Topamax again? I totally need to get me some of that...
    Those jeans are going to fit you in no time <3

    xoxox alisson

  7. Frick man, I wish I were as strong as you!! Send me some of your self-control in the mail :P
    I will steal your mantra now, I need something like that to keep me from breaking down to all these fricking fat foods in this place x.x
    Aha, I love your jeans! What a deal :) That's awesome.
    Good luck with your new meds, be safe dear.

  8. I want to tell you to be careful and watch out with taking that, but it would make me a big hypocrite because if I could get my hands on that, oh yeah it'd be on like donkey kong.
    well i can say the be careful part because i mean that, you are so awesome!
    today i will shop, it'll be my 0 cal binge ha ha...I am hating on you for that deal, that's so freaking AMAZING
    Stay strong!!!

  9. I'm sorry I feel so dumb for asking this but C&S ing? can someone explain?

  10. Ahh, I've missed your blog so much while I've been crazybusynotreadingorblogging <3

    Those jeans are amazing, I wish I fit into them. ONE DAY.

    God, I don't have time for proper commenting (my phone is ringing, type faster!!) but wanted to say hii.

    And that picture at the end? I totally didn't get it. I had to read it about 8 times before I realized. I was like, "if you didn't just take one what? OH MY GOD I AM A TARD" ahahah


    Oh and

    @tearsnsorrow: C&S stands for "Chew & Spit" - which should be self explanitory lol.

  11. I love that picture! So funny. And that is some amazing bargain shopping on the jeans. I do exactly the same thing when I get some money--buy a bunch of shit and then feel like crap for wasting all my money. Anyway, I know what you mean about all being crazy and desperate and maybe because I've done so much crazy desperate stuff I just hope you're careful with the Topamax and all. And hopefully your psychiatrist can get you something to help with the c&s.

    Take care of yourself!

  12. Well well, I'm jelouse of those jeans. Beautiful bargin and thinspo. Ummm..... I like the picture it made my day. I like your post. It was real inspiring.

  13. Love your thinspo jeans, too!
    And they really were an incredible bargain...
    It's a good idea to keep a picture of them, I should do that with my tiny thinspo jeans (which incredibly, I used to fit into less than five months ago before it all went to hell. Musn't... think... about.... it.)

    And good on you for your new badass food mantra! <3