Sunday, March 14, 2010

From 300 for the day to 730 in the bat of an eye...

...but I don't mind that number too much. I think my body (and my psyche) needed more than 300 today. I could have gone on. I could have continued to drink my tea in place of food, but K and I went to the grocery store and of course I had to buy food. A shit ton of veggies, fruits, and a couple things I could do without, but bought nonetheless. 100 calorie Yoplait chocolate raspberry parfait. Four in a pack. I ate one, baby girl B ate another. I've contemplated throwing the rest away, as I would almost be inclined to finish off the other two even though I'm stuffed at the moment. Such is the nature of the compulsive overeating side of me. But no. I shall not. I shall save them for later. Why? Because I am a strong P.D. than I was yesterday, and the day before. I will continue to grow stronger until I have simply perfected the art of being ridiculously resolute in my goals...Hell, I'll be KNOWN for it. ;)

VitaTops. They're the top part of a muffin, and come frozen (since they contain no preservatives), four to a box. 100 calories each. Banana nut bread, double chocolate chip, cranberry bran...all sorts of wonderful flavors. 100 calories each. 5 grams of protein, 5 grams of fiber, and a whole bunch of wonderful vitamins and minerals I've been denying myself in the name of thin. All of it worth it, I know, but all the same...I have to stay alive in order to fully enjoy the fruits of my efforts, right?

So I came home and had a mini binge. Cup of steamed zucchini (20), half a banana (45), half a muffin thing (50), one yogurt parfait (100), a nectarine (like 35 or 40?) and two bites of B's parfait (25). Some prunes. About 100 cal. worth.

Mini binge, but nothing bad. And I'm still at 730 for the day. Feeling full, but surprisingly okay with that number. I know that unless I load up on laxies tonight I'll probably weigh more tomorrow, just for the simple fact that all this stuff'll still be in me.

When I'm restricting properly, as I have been, I get to that lovely point of loathing food, not wanting it, not needing it, dreading the thought of having to eat as I imagine every single gram of food tainting my perfect emptiness...I love that! It's wonderful, that change of mind and of soul, when you realize that you're doing this, once and for all, and there's no stopping you. It feels so... ahh... it's indescribable.

Then there's this feeling, the one I have now. When I eat until I'm full, that means I have betrayed my promise to myself. I have gone against the rules. Granted, this wasn't so bad that I'm compelled to go rushing off to MiaLand right this second or anything, but's done its job in reminding my body of what being satiated FEELS like. And that's dangerous. Because it wants more. That's my brain, really, not my body. My stomach is in discomfort over what I've put into it after being blissfully deprived for days on end...but my mind? It wants more. It wants me to go into that kitchen and take it all, everything in the fridge....Can't, cuz I'm at K's house, but still...I could get away with some of it. No.

I won't.

This isn't a failure, so there is no reason whatsoever to allow the binge monster to nudge her way in... No binge monsters allowed! I want a sign that says that. I'll hang it on my bedroom door like we would when we were little girls in our secret clubhouses:

Ah, looks like I have to go. Little one wants to play the matching game. :) Maybe we'll take a walk in the sunsetty afternoon air...can't beat 78 degrees in the middle of March! :) I posted a lot today, huh? Thanks for hangin' in there. You're a real trooper.

Oh, and I finished my painting for my know, the fairy painting. Look, but don't say anything! It's a surprise! ;)

You lovelies stay beautiful, and keep strong. We're in this to win it...Thin, perfect beauty WILL be ours.


  1. 78 degrees?? Jealous! I think we got to 45 in my neck of the woods today.

    Your mini-binge was actually all really healthy foods! And you didn't eat all that much. I think for a 'binge', it was one of the most controlled, healthiest I have seen. And when you can say that, you know you're on the right track :)

    And at least you know that it's your mind telling you to go and eat more. That's half the battle, all the mind stuff. Since you already realize where your compulsion is coming from, it will be easier to ignore. It's amazing how little one can eat when you get past your mind telling you to eat :)

    Stay strong and stay lovely! xox

  2. We were 49 here. Not too bad. But I bet your summers are hot and miserable too.

    I want to live by you. You have nicer things at your grocery stores. Chocolate mint water? 100 calorie muffin tops? Damn! I don't even have a Whole Foods store here!

    Don't feel bad about posting too much. It keeps me busy (When I should be cleaning. If Josh comes home and complains that I haven't cleaned anything, I'll say "Blame P.D.! She writes a ton!" ;P)

    And I did the same thing, writing about progress and then eating later. Boo. At least you stopped at a good point. I wish I had.

    Oh well. :)

    Have fun playing matching with baby girl! That was one of my favorite games when I was a kid!


  3. Keep going strong! You are in control, just hold out and soon you'll be in that comfort zone of loathing food. I know you can do it.


  4. yeah it in the 40's here so i officially hate you lol. im so jealous.:P
    beautiful picture!

    stay strong

  5. LOOOOOVE the picture!!!

    :D I#ll read your other posts now. thank you for blogging!!!!