This is one of those rare occasions in which I have the opportunity to actually realize the imminent danger of a binge and, should I be strong enough to choose the higher road, to stop it.
The lapse in control is what starts it. I have a menu plan in my head, and I promise myself that I will not deviate from it. This is a lenient plan, too, allowing me 1,200 today (yesterday ended up at about 1,500, with 420 of that coming from a sugar-free chocolate binge). I should have no problem sticking to 1,200...right?
So I had my carbs and protein for the day, early on in the morning, and I swore that not another bite of anything would pass my lips EXCEPT for vegetables. That's right, I gave myself the ENTIRE broad category of vegetables. Anything I wanted, up to 400 calories worth. Told you...lenient! Giving myself lots of space, because I'm taking baby steps, dang it. Coming off of two weeks of absolutely unstructured binge eating is tougher than it should be.
Green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, asparagus, cauliflower, artichoke hearts, carrots, broccoli, anything I want! And yet all of those foods are at home, waiting for me. Not here at school with me, where I'm hungry now. And dizzy. And, unfortunately, the responsible, healthy side of me says that this is reason enough to eat something, veggies or not.
Pretzel crisps...they helped me break my promise to myself, and I ate 220 calories of them. Then yogurt. 80 calories. Then a coffee with chocolate flavored creamer (I never do that!) probably around 30 calories. Then a Fuze drink, 70. See a pattern? No? It's because there isn't one. My binges are always like that...random, sporadic choice of foods, because I have no plan...I just see and grab and eat. So this isn't too bad, no, not yet. But then the subconscious admission of failure occurs, somewhere in the back of my brain, amidst a sea of altered serotonin and dopamine hormones, and it happens: something clicks. Somethings now recognizes today as LOST, today is officially no longer a day of restriction and CONTROL. Today is suddenly a BINGE day. I don't...quite know why this happens. Something to do with that infamous all-or-nothing, black-or-white extremist effect I can't yet seem to escape.
Regardless of what it is, or why it occurs, it did. Just like it always does. I stood in line for five minutes to get a HUGE chocolate chip cookie at this little bakery place here on campus, and I sat down here at this picnic table outside with my computer and my coffee, and I ate it. Every last bit of it. Every last morsel, thinking with each bite that I should put it down, but hell...why turn back now? (Yes, I realize there's every reason in the world to turn back now, but I didn't).
180 calories. Certainly not the end of the world. I have yet to add up the total for my day so far, but I know it's under 1,000. This is why I stopped here to contemplate this. Mostly because there is, as I sit here, NO other food in my possession on which to binge. I would have to pack up my stuff, pull out my wallet, and walk back inside to purchase more in order to continue this. But I have elected not to do that. This may seem like nothing...may. It is, in fact, quite a huge something. I have stopped mid-binge, and I have sipped my coffee instead of rushing back inside to buy the crispy golden-fried Chick-fil-A I can't stop smelling mere feet from where I sit. It would be almost too easy, wouldn't it? But...look where I am. You have NOT ruined your day, P.D.!!! NOT ruined it! That...in itself...is amazing to me. Had I planned ahead for this and packed more food, I could be at 2,000 by now, who the hell knows? But the fact is, I've stopped, and I don't have to let it get me. I don't have to let it win. I can go home, and have my salad, and the one sugar-free chocolate I promised myself at the end of the day, and I can finish strong and see a lower number tomorrow...
Right?
Yesterday: 134.8. Highest in over a month.
Today? 134.2. This...is okay. :)
I'm really and truly hoping I can keep this positive momentum I feel right now going through the evening. I want to remember how wonderful it feels to be rewarded for my efforts, for my strength and my adherence to the guidelines I set for myself...I can do this. I will be successful. ...I hope.
I know you ALL believe in me, and this makes me happier than I can say. Thank you in advance for all of your support. :D
Love you! <3
This is a tough time, yeah. But slow and steady wins the race!!! Maybe you should keep a food journal? It could help track some patterns, though you say you get random. I think paying very close attention could pay off.
ReplyDeleteLady, you are simply amazing. You can do this, as can I. Let's get it done together. :)
ReplyDeleteLook at you go! Stopping in the middle of a binge is SO HARD! You're a star!!!
ReplyDeleteIts a tough cycle to break, especially mid-binge. That takes strength. <3
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