I've officially hit 140...again. A-fucking-gain. 140 was my most menacing and difficult plateau to break, lasting for months, even.
I remember how ecstatic I was to first see 139. It felt amazing.
And then 138. Down further, I was on a roll, all the way to 131. I had ALMOST MADE IT. Almost reached the 120s. So fucking close.
And here...I am...Again.
140.
With no one to blame but myself.
I honestly don't want to talk about last night. I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend, and my little one. We went to Carino's. Up until we pulled into the parking lot, I had full intentions of not having a thing, just an iced tea, thank you, because I'd already eaten enough to last me three days earlier in the afternoon.
We arrive, and something enters my mind; that little voice that says, "You've already fucked up today enough, may as well keep going. Plus, your friends are here, and you hardly EVER get to go out to a restaurant at all...just let loose TONIGHT and then start fresh tomorrow."
Starting fresh tomorrow is always a good concept at the end of a long failure of a day, isn't it? The hope of a clean slate is often enough to help pull oneself out of a pit of self-deprecation and guilt...at least there's TOMORROW.
It doesn't work if you're telling yourself "There's always tomorrow!" every...single...night.
Fuck, P.D., gain some self-control and step the fuck up.
You guys are so awesome, so sweet, for genuinely caring for me the way you do. Your words are light to my day, you know? I see that you believe in me and it makes me want to be a better person, and to believe in myself. It's so hard...but your comments mean the world to me, and make it at least a little easier to TRY and keep my chin up. Thank you.
So...aside from the disgustingly disappointing circumstances on the weight/body-image front, other shit has been going down, too. This morning I woke up to a bunch of little dried bloody crusties all around the front of my lip piercing. I must have bitten the back of the stud in my sleep or something and pulled it too hard. I gently rinsed away the blood and examined the hole itself, seeing that the scar tissue from the inside of my lip was now joined by another tiny bit of bubbly scar, this one on the outside. This thing is going on 8 weeks healing and should, by normal standards, be healed by now. Mine isn't. Not even close. In fact, it's only gotten worse over time, mainly due to my compulsive c&s habits and my carelessness in regards to the daily salt-water soaks I *should* have been doing this whole time...
Anyway, I get back in bed and kiss K's cheek, mentioning the crusty little scab behind the ball on my labret stud. His response? "Oh, yeah...You should take that out."
I'm like, "What?" Honestly? I mean, really. I've put about $130 and countless hours and extensive stress into this piercing. I love the way it looks and I've been anxious to see what it would look like with a ring instead of a stud. And now...I won't. Because I took it out.
"I just don't like the way it feels when I kiss you." That's all he had to say. I live for this man's kisses. If it bothers him now, it'll bother him forever, and that's just about as long as I plan to keep him around. :P
So it's gone. Just like that. Meh. It'll take me a little while to stop playing with the empty scarred spot with my tongue just because that's what my tongue always did when there was jewelry in it. What I'm really bothered with is this:
I bought some antiseptic wash to hopefully keep the open wound from getting worse, and some Mederma for fading the scar...also *hopefully*. As you can see, it's not all THAT noticeable as long as I'm not trying to show it off, or as long as you're not much shorter than I am, looking up at me or something. This doesn't detract at all from the fact that I am, like so many of us, exceedingly self-conscious as it is. Knowing there's a new scar on my face and that it's right beneath one of my favorite features doesn't exactly feel awesome.
RIP, pretty labret piercing.
I spent most of my day down and depressed, feeling so fat and disgusting that lying in the dark bedroom all day seemed like the best idea in the world...even though the weather couldn't be more perfect today. 68 and sunny, slight breeze, not a cloud in the sky. Gorgeous. But I'm a whale. I feel so huge. I want to grip the fat all over me and just tear it away, cut it off, beat the living shit out of myself and scream, "WAKE UP! STOP EATING!" I hate how it's so simple, and yet so complex. K finally said something about it today. He listens to me bitch and moan enough about how hard it is, blah blah, etc., but he really doesn't grasp the pain that's behind this, the obsession that hurts more than I can ever put into words (and I love me some words).
"I don't mind hearing about it when you're making progress and doing all of the right things to reach your goals, but when...well, when people complain about their own actions, it's pretty annoying. Like, if you're not in control of yourself, then who can be?" I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him everything. I wish with all of my heart I could. Instead, I just sighed...stared at him, felt the sting in my eyes, and hugged him hard, letting my frustration fall in teardrops on his shirt so he wouldn't have to see my mascara run. And then we went grocery shopping. Good time to do that, I guess, when I'm so immersed in hating my body that not even the most tempting of foods seems even remotely appetizing.
I've decided that I'll take the Topamax when it gets here. If it gets here. I know there are risks involved but I can't do this anymore. I can't stand it. I eat so much that my body hurts and then I keep going because it numbs everything else. I hate this. I need help. Professional, prescription help. I'll get it. I have to.
This is too long and my computer is too hot so it's freezing up in the most irritating of ways.
All of my love to you, my strong beauties...
<3
I know it seems like you have failed, but you haven't, it will be ok, you will get back down there, you have done it before, you can totally do it again. xo.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean with the whole "already fucked up today, lets start again tomorrow" pep talk. I've given myself that talk every day for the past 2 weeks, and I've gained 10 fucking lbs. :(
ReplyDeleteNow I am not waiting until tomorrow. I am starting NOW.
Sorry about your piercing, I liked it, looked cute. I'm too chicken to pierce anything on my face. I had plans to do my nose at one point, but I decided since my nose is absolutely ginormous (a family trait, thanks dad) that it would just draw more attention to it. But significant others' opinions are rather important, aren't they? Dammit.
Don't worry about scarring from the stud. I got my lip pierced a little over two years ago, got kicked in the face multiple times at concerts, and after two months the ring (had to get a ring because my lip swelled up too much and the back of the stud was cutting into my lip and skin was growing over it..icky) had to come out. I can feel a little bit of scar tissue on the inside, but there's no outward mark. So I hope that puts your mind at ease a little bit :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I know it really is redundant, but tomorrow IS another day. You had control before, you just have to get it back. Easier than it sounds, I know. But I recently found some intense control and I believe you can do it too. Hang in there.
Eedee.
It doesn't work if you're telling yourself "There's always tomorrow!" every...single...night.
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean in that statement. That sentence is dangerous...That is a control-ruining thought. That is what has kept me from reaching 145 for a month and a half now. I was there for a day and I was so excited about it that I fucking ruined it, and now I'm fighting just to be in the 140's again! Boo.
So today, I'm home alone and rejecting every idea that pops up in my head to "just go to A&W and get a burger and cheese curds" or "just go to the Indian restaurant and get some masala" or any of those damned cravings, because control doesn't happen without conscious decisions to say "NO!" being made. So today I am having nothing. And on Tuesday I am starting that 50 hour fast.
If you need some daily help, I'm still down for the texting buddy thing. I think you should email me. Because I am totally ready to yell at you over the phone. (J/K! :D)
Oh, and I am sorry you lost your labret. I know its depressing to lose a piercing you put so much time and effort and money into, but its probably for the best if its going to keep acting so angry at you. Even though you looked totally HAWT with it. Have you ever considered a monroe piercing? (It may not affect kissing so much either ;D) I totally think you could pull it off...
Or try a new ear piercing. I have both tragus' pierced (one I even did myself - yikes!) and they are awesome. And even though they are slow healers, they are NOT affected by your eating habits, unless you have some WEIRD habits ;)
Love always,
Emily
Don't lose hope, you can totally do this. I know how it feels to feel like a fucking failure and you've blown it all, so why not give up. But you know that feeling won't last long and you'll be back here again so chin-up, put it behind you and try to forget about it. You can do anything you put your mind to.
ReplyDeleteMaybe set getting a new piercing as a reward when you've reached a certain goal? I have my tragus done too and I love it. I'm getting my nape done as a reward when I've reached my target. I'm thinking about a microdermal teardop or something as well. MDs would look really pretty on you
xx
p.s. you have lovely collarbones! I wish mine looked like that
I just want to hug you right now.
ReplyDeleteMy words are failing me and I don't really know what I could possibly say to make it better right for you or K or me or any of us.
But I was thinking about what K said to you. And I find those types of comments so painful because it's like "starving yourself isn't good enough. Starve yourself better, have some damn self control." Only it's not meant that way, because so many people in our lives don't know the true extent of our habits. But still... it's just a dagger to the heart. They think it's so damn easy, and it's just. not.
Anyway. This comment is probably not making you feel any better. I'm sorry for that.
Oh, and I was thinking about fasting for at least one day this week. Let me know if you're interested in doing a fast together. If you wanted to, you could pick whatever day works for you. I just need a decision to begin.
You'll get through this,
I'll get through this,
We'll all get through this.
And then won't we be so fuckin lovely?
<3
I don't really know of anything to say that would make a difference..
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about starting fresh another day.
And I understand how K's opinion means so much to you.
All of these things can be so frustrating.
But we're all here for you, I hope you know that.
And reading your blog- even on the bad days- always gives me strength to keep going.
Hope your day isn't too shot.
<3.
ps- my lip didn't scar at all, and i had to get stitches from where it ripped out.
I don't know how much this could relate and/or help you out here, but when I find myself trying to stop doing something, I always find that it helps to cut up the day into smaller chunks. That way you don't have to shudder at the thought of taking on all 24 hours in the day all at once. How will I get through an ENTIRE day!? It's forever!
ReplyDeleteI found this helped a lot when I was trying to stop taking so many pain killers in a day. I'd go an hour and see how I felt. Then I'd go 30 minutes. Then I'd go another hour. I just kept putting it off until the day was over and I was too tired to crave it.
Don't use failure as an excuse to keep failing. Learn what you can from it, and take things slowly. You have all the time in the world to improve and become the person you want to be. If you just wanted to fail, then what's the point in having any time at all?
Keep your chin up, and see how you feel in an hour.
-Summer
Your fricken adorable with or without the piercing. 8 months... gah, you'll have less frustrations without it.
ReplyDeleteWe have all used the "tomorrow" excuse and it is utter crap.
The fact that you are fed up with this shit means you are gearing up for change. You will over-come this.
I know it because you are NOT a pussy. ;)
Much luvs,
xoxo zen
I know how you're feeling, I get like that usually from november until january. I figure well you just had thanksgiving dinner you might as well keep eating because christmas is right around the corner and don't forget new years and the annual family pot luck. and then i loathe myself for every bite that passes my lips. It seems like we have to fall into such a deep pit of self loathing in order to jump start ourselves to do what we need to do and get to where we need to be. And that's where I see you (which I mean in a positive way even if it doesn't read that way)
ReplyDeleteYour piercing scar should heal alright I think, I haven't had the same problem (I have 4 lip piercings) I did however have to get my monroe repierced 2 times and after it healed on the outside all I had left was a little dent where the hole used to be. I was purging while my vertical labret and my snakebites were healing and it took them months longer than they probably would have normally and it was more sore. Maybe one day in the future you can redo it and K will like it.
I just want to tell you though before I end this long comment:
you are so beautiful, inspirational and thinspirational to me. Although its crazy you somehow manage to deal with the day to day especially you're daughter (so cute!), I envy your strength!
OH I love your tattoos I actually have 2 ankh tattoos. I'm actually thinking of taking that quote from Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros you posted and tattooing that on me as a reminder (I know total tat rip-off right? usually I wouldn't but...)
Stay strong, you're so awesome!!!
<3
Oh dahling, how I've missed you too! I love you like a fat kid loves cake, without the wretched pun. I'm sorry you've been feeling like such poo. If someone who loved me and whom I loved said what your man said to you, about complaining about your own actions, I think I'd lose it, personally. Actually, I know I would, because it's just one of those moods where, "What the fuck?" doesn't begin to cover it. Even if it's true, it's almost too much for the circumstances, where everything's breaking. And words are wonderful, but they really don't begin to cover the vulnerability and frustration, complete loss, no matter what, we're always losing, feeling. There's just no way around it.
ReplyDeleteAnd it really sucks when no one else seems to understand it except those who are in the same leaking boat, with a holey bucket, trying to keep oneself afloat, all the while just really almost-desperately wanting to let the damn thing sink, and fuck it all, who cares, anyway?
My apologies, it's been a rough week for me, too, though I can't compare my own decisions to yours. It just seems we've got the same feelings running us down. It's just, well, I feel extremely connected to what you say, because for instance, last night was the moment I cracked like a slippery egg falling onto the spotless kitchen floor. And that intensity that overwhelms seized me and I really truly wanted to overdose on soem form of destruction, be it chemicals, food, self-injuring, it's all the same, it's all a way of coping.
It's really frustrating when people who don't have the same vices judge us for our own. As if they somehow are superior - it's being beaten to death when you've already bled yourself dry. You almost don't care, but deep down, the care is so profound, so strong, there's nothing else you can do but lie.
Or something. I'm rambling; my bads. To wrap this up, I think I shall only say, I love you, for real, and you are awesome and superb in every flipping way, and you do have peeps who get it, and I suggest we go on a road trip to the stars, and just forget about our issues and damned destructive behaviors for a year or so... and just have a blast. I'll pick you up in five, eh? :)
Hugs and love and Charmin' TP, my friend. Hang in there! "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."