Wednesday, January 20, 2010
100 Posts, huh? Wow...
Hey look, it's me in cheap sunglasses and expensive make-up.
I feel guilty for not updating as often as I should. Maybe I was spending too *much* time on Blogger before...is that possible? Sure it is. Maybe I'm spending a *normal* amount of time here now and it feels like not enough.
So today was the second day of school. I've decided that all four of my classes are completely awesome. Even chemistry. This may change soon, as chemistry gets more involved, but I can tell the really old and boring professor won't be assigning any incredibly difficult mathy-type questions. He said the simpler the calculator we buy for the class, the better, as it leaves less room for mistakes. :P Those fancy-schmancy calculators CAN be pretty ridiculous.
Also, I've elected to take two writing intensive courses this semester (Children's Literature and Creative Writing: Poetry), which would probably sound pretty insane to any normal person...Writing Intensive courses are so ...well...intense. And time consuming. And absolutely rife with opportunities to fall behind in reading assignments. Good thing I haven't had any time to buy my books yet. Damn it. I need to do that... tomorrow.
I'm honestly a little concerned that my classes and the time they require will drain me a bit more than my life already drains me...If I go missing for any length of time, I promise...I'm more than likely okay. As I said before, I promise to do my best to keep up here...I WILL try.
Friday morning, I have an appointment with my shrink to get a refill on my Wellbutrin. Easy, right? I've been taking it for nearly three years. No biggie. But the university requires that I have a psych follow-up before I renew my prescription. Unfortunately for me, this is the same psychiatrist who so generously prescribed me Celexa for my eating disorder. I took it for three days and quit, for multiple reasons. You cannot/will not get "better" until you're READY to get better. If I've learned nothing else along my journeys through the ups and downs of ana/mia/ednos, I've seen at least *this* fact to be true. No pill in the world is going to *fix* me, damn it. Stop trying.
When she weighs me on Friday, she'll see that I've lost almost ten lbs since the last time they saw me. This will not go over well. I'm not even fucking underweight. That's what bothers me. I'm still twenty lbs OVER the "underweight" BMI for my height and age. And yet red flags WILL fly if she sees that kind of loss... I'll drink a shit ton of water and wear heavy shoes, just to be sure. Easy.
Today was a pretty horrible day for restriction. I did work out, burning about 500 calories, but must have eaten like 1,200 or something. Fucking fail. Ugh, sorry... I'm not supposed to use that word. No, not fuck. I like that word. But fail. Not good. I'm not failing...I'm just not there *yet.*
I'll stop going on and on like this, because it feels like I'm saying nothing at all. I'm going to allow myself a little bit of time to read some blogs before I have to get the little one in the bath and get started on some of my required reading. I do hope you're all well, and please...don't give up on me. I feel...distanced...from you all, now that I'm not reading and writing as often as before.
And...I'm hungry. Sugar free jello is calling me... :/ I feel like that amazing and awesome little bout of strength I had there for a few days... feeling like I couldn't eat food even if I wanted it (which I didn't!)...that was fantastic. It's gone. I want it back. Ana, come back... Okay, I'm leaving.
Love you all...Thank you so much for making every single one of my 100 posts mean something. It's all about you guys. <3
Stay lovely, my dear beauties...