Saturday, January 30, 2010

Sometimes a muse stops by and hangs for a while.

It's quiet here,
but more than that...
It's still and calm and yet I
feel... not. Knots
tie themselves loosely
within me,
and I,
shift my shoulders in a shrug that
says simply,
"I don't care."

Truth is,
I care.
there is care.
I'm a caring, careful person, after all.
But now, the care is covered
by a desire to be silent,
my lips pursed, parched, pierced, paused
for a moment before one single breath
was allowed, then back
to the quiet.
This quiet owns me in this moment
and I like it.
I like the simplicity of sitting in whatcouldandwouldbe
reveling in the freedom and loveliness
that is my hunger.
Ah, to be hungry.
No one else seems to love this feeling,
and yet I long for it, perpetually,
like you yearn for that dream to which
you wish to return
when slumber is broken.
Emptiness so frail and hollow and strong
that it envelops you, begs to be noticed,
eats at you; how ironic, this hunger...
You are more than noticed.

Tonight, it is mine
and it is beautiful
and I cherish it
in silence.


So *that* just came up and out of nowhere. Ha, I like when that happens.

I'm sitting on K's futon as he naps in the other room. Yes, it's 9:42 PM and he's napping. I just woke up as well, in fact. I'd been up since 7 on only about five hours sleep, and he hardly sleeps well at all any night, so I'm sure the four hour "nap" has done us some good. Other than probably ensuring that we'll be up all night, of course. Meh. It felt great.

I did so well today. I make myself proud (at least in this respect, in this moment). The morning started off a bit rocky, as the binge monster did her bitchy best to come back from the dead and tempt me with promises of peanut butter and cinnamon toast...No. I am better than this, I would say. Even as I reiterated that fact to myself, I prepared one slice of toast to c/s. Swallowed a single bite. It was good. It tasted lovely. And I felt no guilt. Then I had oatmeal. Then I had vegetables. Then K woke up and I made him eggs and homemade hashbrowns with cheese and garlic and oregano and MAN, they were good. Then I had more vegetables.

I felt full at one point, and my insides gurgled at me in disgusted complaint. Laxies from yesterday still hadn't completed their tour of my lower intestine, and I suddenly felt bothered with my choice to eat at all today. Couldn't you have fasted today? Made up for yesterday? That would have been better...

But none of that matters now, because I fixed it. Oh yes. I pulled my lazy-feeling self off the couch, filled up the biggest water bottle we have here and grabbed my iPod (which, I would soon find, needed to be charged for a while longer) and headed down to the apartment complex's dinky-but-effective exercise room. It's really just a tiny room with three treadmills and a shoddy old elliptical machine, but hey, it's MUCH better than any cardio benefit the futon can provide me.

Well. Almost better. I mean, if K's not around. Yeah. Moving on. :P

Burned 325 calories (about all I'd consumed for the morning) and then we went to IKEA. Had this salmon thing there and some vegetables. Not much food at all. My stomach was growling before we even got home (about a 40 minute drive). Got here, had even MORE steamed veggies and some tiny shrimp. Went to bed. I'm so far in the negative for calories today it's crazy wonderful. :)

Tomorrow, I will weigh. We shall see where I stand. I am incredibly optimistic. Even as I type, though, I realize and fully appreciate the importance of my staying out of the kitchen. Playing with fire is not usually a good idea when you're hungry. And by fire, I mean bread and butter and sausage and vegetables and applesauce and pasta and oatmeal and cereal and a good many other things that lurk in that room over there. A room of food. How very unappealing right now, from the safety of this couch.

This is pretty long, huh? Yeah. It is. I apologize halfheartedly. Heh, just being honest.

I do so sincerely hope that all of you ladies are well. I am, myself, and it feels better than I can say to end this day on a good note. Thank you for reading, as always... It does my heart a world of good to know that my words do not fall on deaf (or critical) ears. ...okay, so maybe they do, in some instances. Either way, I'm thankful for every single one of you and your support of me; you do see ME for ME and not just my disorder, and that is more important than I think many of us can describe to the general public. I am a beautiful, successful, determined, kind, intelligent, inspiring, motivated, loving woman...and only AFTER all of that, am I anorexic. I am not defined by an imbalance in brain chemistry or by the control I choose, at this time in my life, to exert over my eating habits. I am more. Thank you all for seeing it, and accepting me as I am. <3

Stay lovely. :)


  1. I looove hunger... isnt it addictive!? fantastic feeling... and a fantastic poem... id be inclined to print that out and carry it with me... too beautiful.. ty :)

  2. Just wanted to say that you're awesome.

    That's all.

    Oh wait, I guess that's not all. I love your poem. A lot. Your muse is great.