Monday, January 11, 2010

Wow...Really? Today was a high day. :/

And not high in the good way.

It's 8 PM, and the little piece of paper sitting here beside me is blinking at me innocently. It's not my fault, it says. You chose to eat those things...that MUCH of those things.

"You're right," I think aloud. Blackberries are fantastic for fiber...but god, they're just so delicious. Addictive. And I CHOSE to eat 250 calories worth. Grand total for the day? 740. YEAH. Chew on that for a bit. Damn.

Speaking of chewing...yeah, can ya guess?

Little B asked for fishsticks and chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, along with peas and corn and juice. Sounded decent enough. For her. Not for Mommy. Of course, when she fails to eat all of it, there it is. The crispy fried chicken and golden, flaky fish...SMELLING amazing, like they do. I know better than to eat that crap. I'll utterly despise myself for days. The grease and batter and, thank you. I'm good. (Is it horrible that, for some reason, I consider this type of food acceptable for my three year old daughter but not for me?...Ugh...)

Then comes my "I can't waste food like that" voice. I think it's my mom's voice. Regardless of who it is, I can't bear to throw all of that "perfectly good" food in the trash. I ponder, for a moment, totally destroying it first, which is somehow better, to me, than simply throwing it away in its current delicious form. Like if I pour dish soap all over it first and THEN toss it, well hey, that's much better than throwing it away when someone could have very well eaten it. I know my logic fails to make any sense. Whatever.

So I did it. I grabbed my trusty plastic cup and paper towel, settled myself into a little nook of the kitchen not visible from any other room, and went to work. I often feel ashamed during this process (let's face it; it's not the most ladylike ritual, nor is it attractive or appealing or anything remotely close to socially acceptable) but oddly enough, I didn't feel anything but sheer enjoyment and indulgence this time. It was nice. I meticulously rinsed my mouth and spit between each bite, savoring the flavors and textures in all of their nasty fried glory and then promptly disposed of the evidence. I'm pretty good at this by now.

I know this kind of constitutes as a binge, or, in other words, a minor setback. Ideally, I wouldn't need to give in to this type of temptation at all, but...well, I did tonight. And it felt fantastic. I don't regret it at all. Now, as I sip my green tea and peruse my calorie log for the day, I don't crave a single thing. Not in this moment. That's a good feeling. :)

I got to the gym today, but only for about 20 minutes. Had to go get the little one, after painting on that mural all day. Used so much of my time doing that instead of working on mah fitness...but tomorrow will be much better. I plan to get to sleep relatively early tonight (around 10, ideally, but this tea may have different plans for me) and then wake up earlier in the morning to get to the gym. Yes. That's the plan.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of the mural animals. :) They're cartoonish and amateur, but that's kind of what they need to be...It's a playroom in my uncle's office (he's a therapist/counselor) and most of the kids that are in there are between 6 and 10 years of age. Yes. I'll post some. Til then...

Stay gorgeous, my lovelies!


  1. There's this story that I used to hear a lot when I was young: if I don't finish every single grain of rice on my plate, my future husband will have as many pockmarks as grains of rice that I've left behind. And then adults always loved to tell me to "think of all the starving children in Africa".

    I still feel guilty each time I chew and spit, but then I figure I'd probably feel a lot more guilty if I swallowed so suddenly chew and spit becomes a lesser evil.

    And yes, I totally agree with that body giving into mind thing. It's no wonder that one of the super powers include MIND CONTROL. I don't need to control other people's minds, but it would be very good if I could control mine.

    Thanks for your comment! I say, massacre away! =p

  2. I just started reading you blog and loving it!! Stay amazing!

  3. It is truly SO much harder to restrict or fast or whatever when we are mothers. It's one thing just to live with others, or to have food in the house but it's another to have to cook 3x per day and have to resist eating any of it, especially when they don't finish the plate. It is a really tough balancing act position to be in. I wish I had some consoling words but I hope it at least helps we can relate to each other.

    Sending you endless strength and love.


  4. Thank you, ladies. :) Jamie, I'm so glad you love my writing; that means so much to me! I guess we all get to wondering at times if our blog is actually really reaching anyone, touching them...It's good to know that my words are worth something to someone other than myself. ;)