Friday, January 29, 2010

A bump in the road...They're inevitable.

First of all, thank you LOVELY ladies for all of your wonderful comments on my recent post and photo...Every single one made me smile, and smiles are worth their weight in gold, don'tcha know. :D

So what usually happens after about three or four days of wonderful, successful restriction and hardcore adherence to my strenuous exercise regimen? Hmm? Oh, YOU guessed it!

She binged.

BUT...just a little. I restricted faithfully all morning, and let it go after about 4 PM. I'm thinking I hit about 1,700 calories for the day. My BMR is about 1,400 or so, and I walked quite a bit in addition to doing housework today. I think I'm fine.

But wait...There's more.

It doesn't matter that walking the campus and cleaning the entire house probably burned the excess calories I consumed today (most through c/s, if you'd believe that!!)...Oh no... I c/s'd it up hardcore today, so much so that I can't even begin to name everything that found its way in and straight back out of my mouth again today. After all of that, I decided that eating a HUGE bowl of steamed spinach was a good idea. Sure, it tasted great, but of course I felt incredibly bloated afterwards. Vowed right then and there that I'd eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Of course, on a binge day, I kept going. Sugar free Jell-o is nearly harmless but, once again, it wasn't so much the calorie content that got me as the FULLNESS. Yeah...and then 70 calorie pudding, twice. Handful of almonds. Graham crackers. PEANUT BUTTER. Just one tablespoon. Still. your long-lost friend, my throat. Four times in one, crouching? Backwards and forwards, bristle-end and the other end, whatever works, just GET THAT SHIT OUT OF ME. Stomach wasn't cooperating in relinquishing what I'd so recklessly given it. Only got about half of it up before my uncle came home.

I promised I wouldn't do that again. I promised, god damn it. Fuck.

Note to self (and I'll admit this is kind of funny, looking back on it now): Cherry jell-o makes for one scary muthafuckin' purge. That stuff is redder than red.

Oh, and my lip piercing...doesn't like purging either. Nor does my already raw throat (been sick as of late). I didn't care. I had to alleviate the horrid, disgusting stretching bloated fullness that was completely overtaking me... It's such an odd juxtaposition of physical elements, seeing my beautiful angular collarbone, connected to long, thinning arms above the ribcage of which I have grown so fond, and quite proud...only to land upon such a huge, protruding, distended beach ball sized belly... seriously. Just doesn't go.

Laxatives are already kicking in and, while I'm glad for their help, I *am* at K's house, trying not to totally embarrass myself with a trip to the restroom every five minutes.

It's okay. I'll pick myself up and dust myself off because I am stronger than this. I am on a roll, and I will continue to do just this well for as long as it takes. Today was a hiccup. That's all. My strength resumes tomorrow. No doubt about it.

This morning, before all of this happened, I woke up to a scale that said 133.0. Up a bit, yes, but not by much. And then I went and saw my psychiatrist, lied through my teeth in order to get my regular depression meds filled without a whole bunch of drama about my ED... She weighed me, and asked about the loss. Nonchalantly replied that I'd been working out more and had cut out red meat. Told her that I no longer even count my calories, and that my meals are all very healthy and balanced but not obsessed over. That my life is so much happier and fuller, now that I have learned to live without defining myself in terms of weight or numbers. Ha. The bullshitting award goes to... :P

Anyway, I should be off then. I look forward to reading all of your blogs this evening, and I hope you all have a lovely Friday evening. I <3 you all more than you will ever know! Really and truly. :D



  1. The bingeosaurs is a demanding bitch of a creature. Let's not let it ruin everything that we have worked so hard for. So we binged yesterday. So we purged part of the binge. So freaking what. That's not today or tomorrow, it was yesterday. Let's not make a habit of it right? Right.

    I absolutely adore your comments, I love them to bits! Big Mama comments are the greatest btw.

    I hate feeling full... especially because that isn't a feeling that goes away over night. It lingers in your face, hands, fingers... stomach.. It takes days to get rid of it.

    "Four times in one, crouching?" I know that shouldn't be funny but it made me giggle. You really do get thet bullshit award. Very well done =)

    Here's to a successful weekend!!

  2. I think you need an award for the best at Getting Over Bumps in the Road. Consider yourself awarded. Or possibly crowned?

    Your cherry Jello story made me laugh. Just the other day I was purging and out came a bunch of blood-red clumps, and I totally flipped out. I though my organs were exploding and my last view of life was going to be the inside of a toilet... turns out they were only blueberries. God only knows why they were that red.

    (Wow, I love how I just gave you an exhaustive description of my vomit. Sorry about that. Sometimes I have to remind myself that most people aren't as friendly with their vomit as I am.)

    Stay beautiful, pretty lady!

  3. I wish so much more for you. This is not a happy life, and, at that, it's a shortened one. You know it's not making you happy. I'm hoping that someday you'll start fighting it.

    And, looking back at that last photo, you are the kind of beautiful that will be still more gorgeous at a higher weight. I know you don't believe me. If I ever posted photographs, I wouldn't believe any of these things, either.

    At any rate, email me if you need to talk. I will continue coming back to piss off your other readers.

    Much love,

  4. Hahaha In response to your story and Della's above, sharing vomit stories is absolutely A-OK, and it's rather welcomed, dare I say? Just the other day, well, I had salsa [by the way, it burns like a mother coming back up] and I had the same reaction, like, "Oh mother, I just vomited out of my insides, and now god is super-pissed and I'm just gonna keel over right here, with the toilet bowl looking like this, when they find my body..."

    Really, though, you're totally awesome for being able to get over these hurdles, and even when a day is thrown to the savage in you, don't worry about it! haha easier said than done, yes, but there every morning is a new beginning, and you got it down. :)

    And congrats for getting away from your doc unscathed, that's a "HELLFRICKIN'YEAH!" right there.

    Take care!