I don't know what happened.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
My drive, my motivation, my strength, my presence of mind and purpose. Where has it all gone?
I would say that I'm "not proud" of what follows, but that doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I hate this. I love this place. I need this place so that I can let out all of my hateful feelings about what I've done and how I am... and maybe, if I'm lucky, find someone else who doesn't think I'm half as crazy as I feel during all of it.
It started out with Starbucks. Walked in there with full intentions of purchasing one coffee and one pastry item to sneak away with and c/s. Not even positive as to why I needed this, but I did...The urge, the desire, the NEED to c/s that pumpkin bread was ridiculously profound...almost as strong as the need I had to starve myself so very recently...Where the fuck did THAT go?
Got two baked items from Starbucks. Took them to the bathroom. Felt very mia. Very. Sitting in secret, in hiding, trying to stay quiet when I heard footsteps on the tile. Waiting. Waiting for silence to denote that I was finally alone. Shoving handfuls of bread and blueberry crisp bar into my mouth, chewing ferociously, fervently, like an animal...Disgusting. Rolling the precious fattening crumbles of sugar and fruit around in my mouth and over my tongue, careful not to aggravate my piercing (which is still tender, naturally)... Spit. The second cup of coffee wasn't necessary, but I planned ahead...I would need a cup to spit in, right?
I swallowed about 1/4 of that food. Fail.
I left the bathroom feeling ashamed but still not fulfilled. What more do you fucking want? I wanted to ask myself aloud... I would get no answer anyway, but the frustration welling up inside me over this sudden and unexplained lapse in control demanded an outlet.
More food. Right.
I headed straight over to the very overpriced little convenience store and purchased, with much internal shame, a large bag of chocolate covered pretzels, a HUGE Reese's peanut butter cup, and a big travel sized cup of Ritz Cheese crackers. Couldn't even get home before I busted out the crackers, right there in the parking garage, and went to town. Greedily, piggishly, like a fucking glutton, just eating c/s'ing, swallowing about every third bite. Started the car. Got on the highway. Kept eating and spitting. Got home. Came inside. Continued. Dipped the fucking chocolate covered pretzels in PEANUT BUTTER and chewed them. Spit them. Disposed of all evidence. Ate a cup of sugar free jello and a handful of Craisins. My total today is probably about 1,500 calories consumed. None burned by cardio...Probably only about 200 by walking around campus.
I have to get to the gym. I have to NOT hate myself. I have to tell myself that tomorrow will be okay. Today, for that matter, will be okay. The more I get down on myself, the worse it gets. This is a stumble, not a fall. I will be all right.
I just have to figure out where my drive went. That push, the loathing for the fat that covers my perfect bones...THAT is what motivates me to go on. The girls I see at school every day are so thin and perfect and I am so far from them, and that is usually enough to remind me to starve. But it's not working that way anymore. This has always been about me...the comparisons only help, just like even the best thinspo. Thinspiration doesn't MAKE me do this, I have to make MYSELF do this.
Fuck. I'm sorry. And for some reason, I'm sorry for apologizing. I am completely aware of how stupid I probably sound right now. Thank you in advance for not pointing that out to me later.
I love you all.
<3
Well, considering that I've just spent the past half-hour mindlessly shoving some knockoff cereal that isn't really Cinnamon Toast Crunch down my throat, and then leaning over the toilet for a quick fix that isn't really there, you're not the only one.
ReplyDeleteEveryone does this. Everyone has these days. There is absolutely no need to apologize. You sound very sensible about your plan to go to the gym and then let it go. The peanut butter and the Starbucks and the pretzels and everything else... they're gone. They're done. They're not coming back to haunt you unless you let them.
You are still thin, you are still lovely, you are still OK, you are still awesome, you are still the same person. Remember that tattoo on your arm? It's still there. It still applies.
<3 Della
Wow, great comment from Della..sums up what I wanted to say. Just keep trying, girl. Everyone makes mistakes, hell at least you spit out a lot of that food. When I go on crazy binges I have been known to eat an entire LOAF of bread .. lol ..funny now, at the time it's horrible. My point is we all do it. We're all human. And damn Starbucks should just stop making delicious looking pastries, let's start a petition haha, there is one on my campus too...and oh man. Temptation city!
ReplyDeleteStay strong darling.
xo
I miss you too, love.
ReplyDeleteI know this might be impossible, but try not to beat yourself up too much about the binge. On the bright side, sometimes the shame of a binge can really help to kick us into submission.
And I agree with the girls above, we definitely all have those days. You have been and will keep accomplishing your goal. the binge was nothing but a little bump in the road.
I'm here for you, as always. You are amazing, gorgeous and strong... don't forget it.
Lots of love
xoxox