Monday, January 18, 2010

You ladies are the loveliest...

No matter what's going on with me or my day, I am pretty much guaranteed a genuine smile anytime I come here. I wish this community, full of so many beautiful, accepting, compassionate, and like-minded individuals, was an actual physical place I could go. I'd never want to leave.

It feels like I've been promising a REAL, substantial post for a while now. The sense of guilt I feel upon starting this passage stems from the fact that it's been days since I sat down and took the time to read all of your wonderful blogs, or to really write in my own. I'm concerned that school (which starts up again tomorrow) will keep me from writing/reading here as often as I'd like, but I'm promising here and now that I'll do my best. It's not like I can survive this life without you guys...I'm smart enough to realize that on my own. ;)

Thank you ladies, as always, for your sweet and caring comments. My piercing picture kind of made me look thin...Heh, I liked that. I don't always see it when I look in the mirror, and I certainly NEVER see it when I look at the scale, but every once in a while the crappy little camera on my phone will catch me in the right light, at just the right angle, and oh wow! Look! She has collarbones! Sweet deal!

The labret stud makes it pretty difficult to eat much of anything. It's not really the pain that stops me from eating, but rather the thought of irritating the site itself by chewing (moving the jewelry inadvertently) and getting any unnecessary food particles or acid in the piercing itself. As it is, I have to soak the thing in a homemade sea salt saline solution five times a day, rinsing it with alcohol-free mouthwash three times a day. Fun fun. All the same, I absolutely adore the way it looks. I hope it works out...My skin's pretty sensitive and I haven't had a lot of good luck with my ear piercings. *crossed fingers*

On another note, starting today, I've begun to take a protein supplement after my workout in hopes of staving off that horrible draggin'-ass weak feeling I've been experiencing as of late. I know it's obviously from lack of food, but pinning down the exact cause of it is a bit more difficult...I have to find precisely what my body is missing the most of the food I deny it...Is it protein? Carbs? Sugars? We shall see. The protein shot itself is 110 calories, but it includes 26 grams of protein. Ideally, were I healthy individual following the workout regimen that I do, I'd be consuming well over 60 grams of lean protein a day. Do I? Not even close. I used to. You know, when I was being all healthy and whatnot. Now I'm lucky to even get about 15 grams a day, and I know that's gotta take a huge toll on my muscular system. Probably another reason I was dropping weight so quickly... The loss of muscle mass is rapid and shows up quickly on the scale. Works in reverse, too: Ate tons of protein yesterday and hiked up Enchanted Rock for a few hours yesterday after a night of partying and dancing my ass off Saturday night. My quads and hamstrings were on fire, so rock hard and dense...and the scale says 135 again. AWESOME. Not. But I know it's mostly muscle this time, because the fat is still shrinking, especially around my hips and thighs. Is this all boring you to death? Okay. Moving on then.

So I'm sitting here at 340 calories for the day and it's 1:04 PM. My cardio burned 430 this morning. I'm looking at my cal log and trying not to be frustrated over the fact that 110 of those 340 calories came from a wimpy little liquid protein shot, which offered me nothing but a horrible aftertaste and absolutely NO filling qualities whatsoever. I'm still starving. Hungry. Yeah.

That reminds me...when I got home from K's house this morning, my uncle wasn't home but there WAS this huge double chocolate fudge covered cake with strawberries all over it sitting on the kitchen counter. I know he had a friend over last night so he probably baked for her. This cake is humongous...and it's actually only half of a cake, but still. SO big. I looked at it in, "Why the fuck is that cake in the kitchen of the house in which I live?" I've always been a major chocoholic. Always. My biggest weakness, right up there with peanut butter.

Then..something amazing happened. I walked over to the cake and gingerly lifted the Saran wrap from one corner of it. I sniffed at it. I stared at it. And I was repulsed.


Let that sink in. Repulsed. BY CHOCOLATE!!!! BY CAKE!!!! I stared in disgust, imagining how horribly fattening and sugary it was, made from full-fat milk and butter and eggs and all of that flour and Ana knows what else what went into it... and I wanted NO part of it! I've NEVER felt that way before about chocolate. Ever.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting. This was kind of a big deal, that's all. Made me happy, at least.

School. Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time dreading the waking up earlier, the driving through traffic, the long lectures, and of course, the homework. All the same, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook. Really helps a ton.

I'm gonna go ahead and get started on my chores and errands. I hope each and every one of you is doing well, staying lovely, and remembering that I care, even if I don't seem to show it the way I'd like as of late.



  1. Congrats on being repulsed by the cake! I live for that stage. The total disconnect from wanting to stuff your face. So nice to feel that control, even if we're feeling down in all other aspects. Btw I am also a maniac for chocolate. Chocolate and cheese, argh!

    Btw - I always make sure to drink about 8-10oz of soy milk per day, in addition to the same amount of juice and my vitamins. I figure soy milk is the best way to get protein while not eating. It usually gives me enough energy to be able to work out a bit without getting too many grey spots.

    Hope school goes well for you tomorrow, love!! I'll be thinking of your beautiful self :)

    Lots of love!


  2. Bean curd! It's full of proteins and rich in calcium and iron which we tend to miss out on when we're dieting. And you can cook it so many different ways. Soup, stew, braised or even on its own. Sounds gross but try it with soy sauce and ginger shavings. Or if you're craving something sweet, just sprinkle a little brown sugar on top.

    Have an awesome day at school! (:

  3. well done!!! i've dne that before!! it's really liberating to step away and look back in contempt at something atht usse to control you

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  5. Congratulations! That's great, you beat that horrible disillusioned choco-monster! haha That's inspiring, thank you. I can't wait to reach that point. Have a beautiful day at school!