Sunday, January 24, 2010

Not ready to be awake yet. I have no say in the matter.

I think...hope...the scale...

Must be wrong. :/

Two glasses of wine, a half cup of roasted vegetables, and one very large piece of bread. That was dinner last night at a friend's birthday bash downtown. My thoughts at the time? I could have done much worse. You should have seen the size and density of the AMAZING brownie everyone was passing around. And the ice cream. And the bread pudding. And the gelato. And the ribs and chicken and mashed potatoes and french fries and chips and pasta and stew. And I *thought* I was doing well for myself with what I got. Eating NOTHING would have been doing well. Stopping myself from eating anything...ugh.

Three days of eating. Three pounds gained? The numbers don't add up. 3,500 calories in a pound. I obviously have NOT consumed an excess of 3,500 calories a day. I've burned approximately 1,500 calories in cardio (which isn't enough at ALL, but it's worth considering) over the past few days, as well. Add that to BMR burnage and there's no way that kind of excess could have occurred. Even with the tons of vegetables and occasional granola bar or bread, the fruit, one serving of pasta with tomato sauce, girl scout cookies, Starbucks, the one-time binge of Walden Farm's/JIF mixture of calorie-free/real peanut butter...and everything else... I still did not ever go over 2,000 in a day, at the most. So...I could not have possibly gained this much. ...could I?

Laxatives. My friend, my enemy. Like so much else in my life.

Today I'm at 200. Toast got me. Weak. But no more weakness. I can't afford it. The feeling of backtracking is unbearable. I think what's killing me is this recent, overwhelming sense of apathy concerning myself, and life in general. I'm going through the motions, getting done what needs to be done, but not feeling much more than a sense of duty to the world, to the people in mine.

Purpose, motivation to make changes, that drive...They require passion, will, resolve. I have to *want* to make the effort, and right now, I don't *want* to do anything but disappear into thin air and not be missed by anyone or anything for more than just a little while. This type of antisocial thought process has become more and more prominent over the past few weeks, but it's only now that I'm recognizing it for what it is, rather than just feeling frustrated with no clue as to why I want to be alone all the time. *sigh...*

The c/s cycle has gotten worse, too. Quickly. I now think about doing it multiple times in an hour, wondering when I'll get my next chance to chew something, what will it be? Where can I do it without being seen? How will I dispose of the evidence; will I actually stop and buy something just to c/s? Or will I wait til I'm home and do it there, where the food has already been purchased and I don't feel AS guilty because at least I'm not spending *extra* money on doing it... Ah, the guilt. The shame involved. The secrecy. The feeling of giving in to temptation. The slight high, fluttery feeling I get in my chest as I binge but spit.

It feels like stealing.

The adrenaline rush is short and small, but tangible...Abandon of control, rebellion against the rules, defying all that I should be following... Ugh, were I to share any of this with my psychiatrist she'd have me committed. :P Nah...She wouldn't/couldn't. But a field day she *would* have; I'd have her running back to her textbooks and research, trying to analyze all of my deeper, inner bullshit. I would usually take this task upon myself, but introspection is too hard today. It drains me.

I'm off to read your lovely writings, my dears. The little glimpses I get into your lives and thoughts help me put all of what I suffer into perspective... when perspective is what I need the most.

EDIT: Ha...So I was just posting a comment on Salix's blog and the captcha word verification thing made me type "fatione" ... and I saw "fat one" instantly. Thanks, Blogger. xP

Another edit: I just found this. Thought it was interesting, considering the fact that I've been a bit off with my medication (Wellbutrin, an SSRI for my depression and anxiety) and I'm wondering if fucking with my seratonin levels could be causing all of my compulsive overeating...
Serotonin, Food Cravings and Binge Eating – Learn the Connections!

I'm tired. I can't go back to bed. The little angel woke me at 6...zzzzzzz....I can't wait for naptime. Please, please... let there be a naptime.

Stay lovely, my beauties.


  1. Three pounds in three days is definitely not possible with the amount of food you've been eating (which might seem like a huge avalanche but are actually decent, normal portions).

    The numbers should go down after a trip to the toilet. ;)

    If only purpose and motivation were pills we could pop. I have been drifting like a soggy piece of deadwood from day to day. Let's write down meal plans for ourselves k, P.D? We will write down what we're going to eat at what time and we still stick to it and hopefully, purpose and motivation will follow.


  2. Scales are officially the most stupid and irritating things ever. They lie. There is no way in hell you actually gained those 3 pounds. I bet there's a really fat ladybug that crawls around on your scale to make you feel bad.

    Fuck that ladybug.

    You are amazing for turning down all the crap at that party, by the way.

    About the motivational dry spell... well, in the words of the ever-wise Dory, "Just keep swimming."

    Sometimes if you just keep going even if you're tired and you don't know what you're doing, you'll eventually pick up your motivation where you left off. Or you decide that you've had enough and try something new.

    Want a replacement for that c/s adrenaline rush? Go skydiving.

    (Just kidding)

    Love you and stay lovely!

  3. If you need or want something that might cheer you up, I suggest youtubing funny cats. I just can't get enough of them. No matter how poopy I'm feeling, it manages to crack my face open once more. I hope that nap time comes quickly, and restores vitality and resolve to you! [And me, as well, while we're at it. ;)] Have a beautiful day!

  4. I really do understand what you mean about the antisocial feelings. I treat people as rewards for reaching goal weights, social interations as something I'll just do to "get out of the way, and get them off my back"... just adding fuel to this inferno. So many times a day I choose solitude. In fact, next year I'm trying to get a single room just so that I can be left alone with my homework, my thoughts, my music, my eating (and lackthereof).

    I wish I had something more to say or inspire you with, but I guess I'm running short of that today. If anything, just please know that I understand <3

  5. Feel better, 'cause you fucking rock and I love listening to your words in my hear!

  6. I was typing you a big huge comment then my laptop died and was like "nofuckyou".

    But yeah, you're SO sweet! You're comment totally made me tear up :]]

    I used to love c & s, but it gets out of hand pretty quickly :/

    Stay strong love!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  7. We are even then, because I thought I was following you as well! Situation remedied on both ends. :)

    I can definitely relate to your antisocial feelings. Let's make blanket forts and hide out. The world can go on without us for awhile.

  8. 3 lbs...whatevs. It's water retention at most. No way is that fat.

    I wish like hell that I could c/s. I swallow to damn much and then off course after that it is off to purge city to visit that bitch mia. Ugh.

    You, are awesome sauce. (the calorie free kind!)


  9. Haha, once I got some fat-related captcha before as well and was highly offended.

    I have missed you so much... I am so sorry I was really busy this weekend but I am thrilled to be able to catch up with you girls now.

    When we're restrcting/fasting/etc, our metabolism gets majorly fucked up and usually, whatever we eat, we gain the weight of, and plus some, it seems. The laxies should have helped you out, though. Try not to worry too much, ok? <3

    c/s is so fucking frustrating for me too. Mia is much more brutal, so it's easier to avoid, or dread, rather. But c/s?! There's little threat there, it's so easy and gives us that sneaky feeling. But lately, with my LACK of weight loss I am starting to realize that c/s is a horrible habit (in which more food/calories are taken in than we realize)... I hope we can break free from the urge to do it soon.

    I hope you're doing really well today, my dear. and hope to be able to hear from your lovely self soon.

    Lots of love


  10. I'm thinking 3lbs could be cured with a bathroom visit.. ha ha, or even some water weight gain?
    I've had the same thing, except, I was coming off a few days of binging here and there and a friend said I was probably full of shit - literally.. HA HA
    anyways - Thanks for the long comment on my blog, I was smiling when i read it cause you even mention that it's long! I love it, if you ever get the writing feeling, just let it all go! there is never too long of a comment!