Not ready to be awake yet. I have no say in the matter.

I think...hope...the scale...

Must be wrong. :/

Two glasses of wine, a half cup of roasted vegetables, and one very large piece of bread. That was dinner last night at a friend's birthday bash downtown. My thoughts at the time? I could have done much worse. You should have seen the size and density of the AMAZING brownie everyone was passing around. And the ice cream. And the bread pudding. And the gelato. And the ribs and chicken and mashed potatoes and french fries and chips and pasta and stew. And I *thought* I was doing well for myself with what I got. Eating NOTHING would have been doing well. Stopping myself from eating anything...ugh.

Three days of eating. Three pounds gained? The numbers don't add up. 3,500 calories in a pound. I obviously have NOT consumed an excess of 3,500 calories a day. I've burned approximately 1,500 calories in cardio (which isn't enough at ALL, but it's worth considering) over the past few days, as well. Add that to BMR burnage and there's no way that kind of excess could have occurred. Even with the tons of vegetables and occasional granola bar or bread, the fruit, one serving of pasta with tomato sauce, girl scout cookies, Starbucks, the one-time binge of Walden Farm's/JIF mixture of calorie-free/real peanut butter...and everything else... I still did not ever go over 2,000 in a day, at the most. So...I could not have possibly gained this much. ...could I?

Laxatives. My friend, my enemy. Like so much else in my life.

Today I'm at 200. Toast got me. Weak. But no more weakness. I can't afford it. The feeling of backtracking is unbearable. I think what's killing me is this recent, overwhelming sense of apathy concerning myself, and life in general. I'm going through the motions, getting done what needs to be done, but not feeling much more than a sense of duty to the world, to the people in mine.

Purpose, motivation to make changes, that drive...They require passion, will, resolve. I have to *want* to make the effort, and right now, I don't *want* to do anything but disappear into thin air and not be missed by anyone or anything for more than just a little while. This type of antisocial thought process has become more and more prominent over the past few weeks, but it's only now that I'm recognizing it for what it is, rather than just feeling frustrated with no clue as to why I want to be alone all the time. *sigh...*

The c/s cycle has gotten worse, too. Quickly. I now think about doing it multiple times in an hour, wondering when I'll get my next chance to chew something, what will it be? Where can I do it without being seen? How will I dispose of the evidence; will I actually stop and buy something just to c/s? Or will I wait til I'm home and do it there, where the food has already been purchased and I don't feel AS guilty because at least I'm not spending *extra* money on doing it... Ah, the guilt. The shame involved. The secrecy. The feeling of giving in to temptation. The slight high, fluttery feeling I get in my chest as I binge but spit.

It feels like stealing.

The adrenaline rush is short and small, but tangible...Abandon of control, rebellion against the rules, defying all that I should be following... Ugh, were I to share any of this with my psychiatrist she'd have me committed. :P Nah...She wouldn't/couldn't. But a field day she *would* have; I'd have her running back to her textbooks and research, trying to analyze all of my deeper, inner bullshit. I would usually take this task upon myself, but introspection is too hard today. It drains me.

I'm off to read your lovely writings, my dears. The little glimpses I get into your lives and thoughts help me put all of what I suffer into perspective... when perspective is what I need the most.

EDIT: Ha...So I was just posting a comment on Salix's blog and the captcha word verification thing made me type "fatione" ... and I saw "fat one" instantly. Thanks, Blogger. xP

Another edit: I just found this. Thought it was interesting, considering the fact that I've been a bit off with my medication (Wellbutrin, an SSRI for my depression and anxiety) and I'm wondering if fucking with my seratonin levels could be causing all of my compulsive overeating...
Serotonin, Food Cravings and Binge Eating – Learn the Connections!

I'm tired. I can't go back to bed. The little angel woke me at 6...zzzzzzz....I can't wait for naptime. Please, please... let there be a naptime.

Stay lovely, my beauties.