Friday, January 15, 2010

When everything seems right...

Last night, for the first time in a while...probably more than a week, I mean...I felt disordered again. It wasn't pleasant.

Things have been going relatively well for me. My weight loss has been more than half a pound a day, on average, for the past five days or so. What's not to love?

My nails are bluish, my spine, collarbones, shoulder blades all show, jutting up beautifully from under tighter skin as the fat melts off of me...I've been working so hard. I've been restricting more than I ever have before in *addition* to faithfully spending every single morning in the gym. It shows. That makes me happy.

Then I had a friend tell me I look "too thin," that I'm beautiful, but that I should be careful with "too much dieting" because "looking like a scarecrow isn't attractive either." Who the fuck says that's not attractive? Ugh... I shouldn't let it get to me at all. My goals are my goals for a reason...for a myriad of reasons. Outside influence should have no effect on me.

I'm lightheaded and feeling high this morning. I've not been fasting, but I feel like I have. Haven't eaten since about 3 pm yesterday, and even that was a salad. As I sat and played board games with K last night, it happened again...where I'm doing something COMPLETELY unrelated to food or weight or appearance or ANYthing...and ALL I can think about is that *something* in the fridge I would usually want but this time, I don't. I get that feeling more and more often now. "Ah, that looks amazingly delicious...I would so usually want that..." but then the desire is immediately shot to pieces and in its place stands a solid brick wall of refusal. It's as if THAT food, along with pretty much everything else, is simply not allowed...strictly forbidden...

My mind, previously relatively easily swayed by temptation (especially olfactory in nature...can't resist shit baking in the oven!) is suddenly shockingly accepting of the "rules". Doesn't even try and argue. Bows its head in submission and sulks away like a beaten puppy, tail between legs, nose to the ground in an obsequious gesture of compliance like I've never seen from myself before.

Ugh, I'm rambling and not getting anywhere.

Gist of it is this, I suppose (I'm not good with summaries or making long stories short, so bear with me, if you will): As I contemplated how I felt last night after what I deem to be a successful period of weight loss and restriction and exercise, the full-on selfish nature of what I do/am doing to myself kind of hit me...I suddenly saw a flash of what my world will look like when I reach my goal weight of 110. My mother in tears over what I'm doing, K...God, I don't even want to think about losing him, he's my whole world...He knows of my ED but he tends to view it somewhat lightly, not as an ED at all. He just figures I think about losing weight a lot, and admires my dedication. Will that admiration turn to disgust or dismay or disbelief when he sees me shrink and waste away to hardly anything at all? If I'm this "thin" at 133, and he can already feel my bones as he hugs me in bed at night, will he still find me as beautiful as I find myself when all of those bones show all over, prominently, defining my body for all that it is in smooth, clean lines of glorious vertebrae and ribs...*sigh...* Long story short my ASS.

I should go. I'm sorry if this feels unresolved. It is. All the same, I'm going to do my best to get out there and make today a KICKASS day. I think I'll get my hair colored, my nails done, and maybe even a pedicure if I have time before I have to go and clean the entire house.

I'm off to force myself to eat some oatmeal. 130 calories. The only "bread" or "grains" I'll get all day. I have to do it. Fuck, I used to look forward to breakfast.

Now I'm just wishing I could skip it altogether, feel this light and airy all day long.

For my love, and my daughter, I will not starve today. At least 800 calories. I promise.

Stay lovely, my loves.


  1. Oh, OUCH! All three? Man...

    And your tattoo looks really neat, by the way.

  2. It's all about finding balance though, right? I mean, my weight goals aren't set in stone. I'll be thin enough, when I feel thin enough.
    Stay lovely!

  3. Holy crap, I have like no free time right now, not even enough to finally post comment responses on my blog or anything, but I wanted to post and say I LOVE your new tattoos! That Stay Lovely turned out a billion times nicer than I imagined it to be. I thought it would look nice but it's amazing! Lovelovelove <3

    Keep it up hon =] And Stay Lovely ;)

  4. You are strong enough to stop whenever YOU feel ready to.
    Don't judge by your goal weight, but rather by knowing when enough is enough.
    Xx. Lillie

  5. I felt a lot more reassured after reading your comment. Thank you P.D (:

    Your friend was a little insensitive (the "scarecrow" bit wasn't flattering at all) but I'm sure she has your best interests at heart. After all, there is a point where skinny crosses over into skeletal.

    It's always difficult to reconcile our desires with other people's expectations. Don't worry now about what K will think. When it's time to cross that bridge, you can always reassess to see if there's a discrepancy between your weight and how thin you look in the mirror (honestly, you look a lot lighter than 133).

    Mix the oatmeal up with something you like! I love yoghurt which I think is fantastic with everything from nuts to raisins to fruits to grains. When we restrict, a lot of food is considered "off-limits" so don't force yourself to eat something you don't like!


  6. Hi beautiful,

    You kind of scare me. I'm worried about you.

    I guess that's all part of caring about someone.

    Take care of yourself, OK? Please?

  7. Hello,
    You have such a talent with words, it's beautiful. As are you, and this is all I shall say for the moment: When you feel that it's all right, then you know you have found perfection, you have attained that prismatic balance in space and time and nature. Until then, continue as you wish, and make yourself happy, and love those near your heart.
    Have a beautiful day.