Saturday, January 16, 2010

Made cinnamon rolls this morning. Didn't even want one.

I'm sorry I'm behind. At least it feels like I'm behind. All of the sudden I feel like I've lost my ability to accurately and eloquently express myself here...or anywhere...and I don't like it. It makes me ... avoid writing. I still read your blogs, I just don't seem to have it in me to even comment as of late. I don't get it.

I'm not incredibly depressed, per se, I'm just...I don't even know. Preoccupied? Lame. It hardly takes any time at all to sit down and write a few lines, an update, anything...and yet I'm finding it difficult, even now, when I have nothing but complete peace and silence (B is at her grandmother's house this weekend)...*sigh*...

I've noticed something, and I'm thinking it may be a major contributing factor to this state in which I find myself as of late. The weakness I feel as a result of a drastically reduced caloric intake is to be expected. I'm willingly and willfully depriving my body of quite a bit of sustenance's feeling less and less like a chore or a choice, and more like a compulsion, a need, a fact of life... to avoid food...I realize, as I take a moment to re-read that sentence, that it sounds as if I'm on the edge, the cusp, of something even deeper than what I've heretofore experienced...Hm.

Either way, the thing I've noticed is that the weakness (that feeling of being somewhat in a fog or a daze, feeling like I'm wearing a ten-pound weight on my shoulders at all times, being just a little drowsy and down) is a cumulative type deal. Each day that I consume fewer than 500-600 net calories, it gets a little more difficult to push through that haze and get on with daily thought and activity. At the same time, I've noticed that, as it's taken a few days to reach that level of ...can't think of a better word than 'weakness' but I know there must, in turn, can't be immediately "fixed" by simply eating more in one day...Ah, this sounds like it's making very little sense. Example: I go for about four days eating very little and exercising, losing weight like it's my job, and by the fourth day I'm feeling that heavy feeling nearly all day. It makes me want to eat because it feels unhealthy, and everything logical in me says, "Don't hurt your body this way! It's bad!" so then I eat, thinking that's what I need to not feel weak anymore. Thing is, it doesn't go away. Still feel heavy and dragged down, almost like a hangover, but now I'm just full and disappointed in myself for eating. In theory, the "starvation hangover" feeling would go away after a few days of healthy eating (upwards of 1000 calories)...But...I'm getting to where I can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid now, of gaining again. So instead I'll keep going...

Damn it. I can only imagine how all of this is going to sound. The last thing I want to do is worry anyone. While I'm sure some of you are probably thinking, "What the hell is HER deal, doesn't she get it? This is a *disorder*'s not supposed to feel good...It's *going* to hurt. That's what it does." ...I know a good many of you will be genuinely concerned for my well-being. Because you're all lovely like that. I'm sorry if I worry anyone. I'm just being honest. This is what I'm going through.

I did want to note my sincerest gratitude and appreciation for every single one of your comments; on my tattoos, my "thinness" :P, my determination, progress, all those good things...The wonderful things you ladies feel and take the time to say truly mean the world to me. So thank you.

I guess I'm off for now. Gotta get ready for movie time and then the circus. Heh, yeah, fun stuff.

Stay lovely, each and every one of you.


  1. Love, don't worry. This is just what happens... the world becomes a blur and you know you should eat, but the more you distance yourself from food, the more wrong it feels to eat.

    Even though everything melts into each other, each day is sort of hard to decipher from the next... we either chose to live that way long enough to lose a couple more pounds... or return to being healthy and losing weight at a slower rate.

    The plus side, other than weight loss, is that we can learn a lot about our bodies, by paying attention to the signals and giving ourselves enough nourishment and rest to be able to push through.

    the depression and seclusion seems unavoidable for us all, and in a weird way is sort of necessary to make it through to our goal. Just as there are extreme highs, they always turn into the lowest lows from time to time. I am sending you all my hugs :)

    Just pay attention to your own body. If on the 4th day you feel weighed down and unhealthy, then take a break from working out and maybe treat yourself to something like a special smoothie or something to make your body feel like it's not being so deprived.

    It is a balancing act but I think if we are in tune with our body and give it the things it needs, we can be successful.

    Lots of love, strength and hugs your way. If you ever want to talk, I am here


  2. i felt the last couple of day that i lost mysekf to ana... im not worried but noticing... there is less control... i like it though. its not authority, just this part of mysekf, but i've been coompulsed as you say to deny food, spit it out, walk past it.
    i cant eat and enjoy it anymore... no very binge of me...which in the past i wouldve been... i know what you mean

  3. my l and k keys must be too close together

  4. Oh P.D, why is that we can never be truly happy with ourselves? There always has to be this dissatisfaction, this yearning for something else. We restrict, but we feel like we should eat. We eat, but we feel like we should restrict.

    My brain feels so detached from my body, I don't even know how to listen to my body anymore. I wish I could say something clever, something useful to cheer you up but I'm feeling pretty crappy so I'll hug you instead.


  5. I understand your feelings. I mean, logically I know it is called a "disorder" for a reason right? Sometimes it feels like a badge of honor and other times it feels like an anchor of dread. And sometimes it leaves me feeling like I'm in some kind of emotional purgatory where I'm just waiting and hollow and torn. Ugh.

    I wish I could say something to make your day brighter. Your blog is among my new favorite things. :)

    Hold on beautiful.

    Be strong...and stay lovely. :*

  6. I feel the pain as well, but can only hope for better. Hang in there!

  7. Hellooo there, lovely!

    To follow up on my earlier comment: Yes, you scare me. You are so incredibly thin, bones sticking out and everything. I don't think you see that. You sound depressed. I can't really put my finger on it, but it feels like you're about to fall of the edge.

    I really don't mean to scare you or accuse you or anything. I guess I'm just the little mother hen of the group (even though I'm half your age!) And maybe it just scares me to see what all of us are getting ourselves into.

    But if you say you're okay, I believe you.