Saturday, January 23, 2010

Okay, enough is enough...

I have to figure this out.

Correction: I NEED to figure this shit out.

I can't go on this way. It's easy enough to say that "everyone has a bad day now and again" or that "it's okay, move on, it's just one binge..." But NO... This is day THREE...count 'em... 3!!!! of eating...and eating...and EATING. And not stopping when it starts to hurt. My stomach begins to revolt against the madness, threatening to purge it all up *for* me, even without the help of a well-meaning finger or toothbrush. I've sworn off purging, and so I won't do it...but eating enough past your limit and your body will eventually start to defend itself.

Vegetables. Good thing to binge eat, right? You'd think so. Even three bags of frozen vegetables...about 10 or 11 cups of broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, peppers, beans, etc. is only about 500 calories or so, and that's a very rough estimate. Not a horrible binge, even when added to the half bag of Quaker rice crisps and dehydrated veggie chips I ate earlier. Better than chocolate pudding right? (believe me, had there been pudding here, I would have eaten that first).

The discomfort of eating this food is both immediate and enduring. We all know what these vegetables and starches can do to your digestive system, right? Magnify that about 10 kajillion times and you have the gas/intestinal pains I'll be dealing with later this afternoon. Not only that, but hell...I'm up to about 700 calories already today, with no cardio as of yet. It's only noon. Fml.

Yesterday topped out at about 2100. I'm guessing. Probably around there. No cardio. The day prior? Well, you read about that. Managed to work off 700 in the gym (but fucked up my right knee)...weighed myself this morning, even though it wasn't a good idea, the day after a binge. All that shit (literally and figuratively) is still hanging out inside of me, weighing more than my actual fatness does by itself. 136.something or other. I really honestly don't remember the .something because after I saw 136 my brain shut off and prepared for yet another anxiety/self-pity binge. Enter the dehydrated vegetable chips and the rest of little B's oatmeal. Fuck.

I don't know what this is, but it needs to stop. So VERY recently, I was doing so well. What changed? What's happening to me? I can blame it on stress or the lack of control I feel over my finances, home life, school, any of that... but really... honestly...No one ever wins like that, playing the blame game. It's all me. I need to re-find my strength. And FUCK, I need to STOP accidentally snagging my lip ring with my fingernail. That hurt more than I can say, and that's the second time I've done that in two days. Ouch.

I'm glad you guys like my new profile pic. It's hard to believe, feeling as fat and disgusting as I do RIGHT now, that I took that two days ago. Looking in the mirror this morning, I turned around and away from the flabby front view and let my eyes fall upon my still faithful shoulderblades...spine, ribs, all showing prominently through my needs-to-be-tanner skin. All I could think was, "There's still time to save this. It's not too late." I haven't RUINED months and months of tireless exercise, hardcore just feels like I have.

This is so hard.

Thank you all for reading.




    I have no idea what is wrong with me. I suppose after all those months of thinking about what I couldn't and shouldn't eat, my brain is so excited to know that I've decided that I CAN eat (albeit in moderation, although that is suddenly a foreign word) that it has spontaneously combusted.


    Now I need to put bits and pieces of exploded brain and shattered self-discipline back together.

    We WILL figure this out.


  2. Oh man, that sucks! But you're right, at least it was veggies, and good stuff, not fat-infesti-fiesta, right? Right. Don't get down, you're doing great. It will be all out of you, I'm sure, soon enough, and after that, you'll be peachy keen once more! :) Don't fret over the small stuff, it could have been alot worse. You're doing great. Keep faith.