Sometimes the responsible, logical, healthier side of my mind just isn't powerful enough to overcome this "disorder," not loud enough to drown out the provocative promises of my favorite phantom...Our dearest Ana.
Nearly a year ago, when I first discovered all that the pro-ana community had to offer me, I decided that the only way to achieve my goals was to starve myself...in *true* ana fashion. No more getting at least 1,200 calories a day in order to prevent the onset of the dreaded "starvation mode," no more eating a certain amount of whole grains, protein, fruits, vegetables, etc. in order to maintain a healthy balance of the food groups...No, I was going to get thin and stay thin, regardless of the price I had to pay or the toll it would take on my body and mind. Yes, it was selfish, but I didn't see that. In my mind, I had found the answer, and I was going to do this RIGHT.
That lasted for all of a few weeks. My uncle, friends at school, and even my K noticed pretty early on. Refusing invitations to lunch, eating so little even while at home...I guess I was entirely too obvious.
Got into some therapy, did some reading of anorexic horror stories, and managed to scare myself away from that ledge...left the precipice just in time to save what I still retain of my sanity, but not before getting that taste...That glimpse of a life of total control, dropping half a pound a day, feeling so light and airy and starving through the pain for something that was worth so much more than my words could even say...
Since then, I've incorporated exercise into my plan, burning more calories at the gym in the morning than I'd ever eat at breakfast; this way, I figured, I was starting my day at a deficit with only roughly half the day left over in which to eat anything. It worked pretty well, I suppose. We all know that lean muscle mass added to the body will show up as a slightly higher number on the scale. That same muscle, however, will continue to more effectively burn fat calories for you even as you rest, doing double duty for you as long as you provide it with sufficient lean protein to repair itself. My BMR is higher than someone who does not exercise daily, which means, technically, that I could afford to eat more if I wanted. While I comprehend and appreciate all of this theory...since that's really what it boils down to...I can't help but think of how much weight I *could* lose if I chose to finally give in...and let Ana take control.
I have to force myself, most times, toward the end of each afternoon, to eat a bit more of this or of that in order to bring myself up to that calorie threshold: at least 1,000 to "prevent starvation mode" from beginning...RIGHT. Like my body has an internal ticker that keeps meticulous track of every single calorie burned and consumed, and if I fail to meet that magical number of 1,200, my metabolism instantly freaks out and begins storing fat from every source possible, eating away at muscle instead in attempts to survive this OBVIOUS famine I'm suffering. Fuck that shit.
While I'm sure that there's more than a grain of truth to all of this, I'm still convinced of a single fact, and I know THIS to be true: Starving works.
Yeah.
It does. This is more than obvious to all of us. Millions of images swim before us daily of our beloved thinspiration, whether they be celebrities or models or each other...and they starve. Beautifully. They don't sit there and drive themselves crazy with thoughts like, "Well, I don't want to starve myself now because I very well could be doing permanent damage to my metabolism and it may make me fat or sick or both later in life...I had better eat enough to get me up to that recommended minimum of 1,200...nom nom nom..."
No. They don't. They eat to live. Period. And they are thin. Strong. Beautiful. The perfection we all seek. So why must I berate myself for wanting to follow their example?
Back to the responsible, healthy, non-disordered side of my brain. Saying that my life is pretty chaotic as it is now, constantly obsessing over food and calories and measurements and numbers...Why exacerbate the situation even FURTHER by cutting those calories in half and spending even MORE time hurting in hunger? *sigh...* Because...the "healthy ana" lifestyle simply isn't working for me anymore. I can't STAND restricting all damn day, feeling so proud of myself for my determination and discipline, and then realizing that having only 600 calories a day isn't "healthy"...going to the fridge and pulling out some green beans and broccoli and EATING...when I'm not even fucking HUNGRY...that's like blaspheming right there... feels like a binge. Just so that I can stave off the possibility of slowing my ever-lovin' metabolism... I'm tired of it. I won't force feed myself anymore, not for my doctor, not for my therapist...I'd rather lie to them than to myself.
Ugh...Sorry this is so long. This stuff has been on my mind for a while. I kind of wanted to get some feedback from you lovelies on the matter, if you feel so inclined to comment. I'm so ready just to say fuck it all, Ana, take me. Take me under your featherlight wings and make me beautiful. I'm tired of defying you, tired of doing this the "healthy" way just to please some otherworldly phantom of a theory of a mode of starvation...Whatever.
*sigh...* I'm off. It's nearly 2 PM and I'm up to 280. No cardio yet, but it will come. And then I'll be back to zero. I'm just ready to be rid of this disgusting, leeching fat-covered body... She wants to see me succeed, she wants to give me the gift of what I've been chasing forever...The ability to see my beautiful, perfect bones...Why can't I just accept her and follow her? Why does this guilt, this apprehension, have to cloud my judgement?
Ah well. Thank you, ladies, as always, for reading and for your comments.
Stay lovely! <3
Update: ...how is that I'm still at less than 500 for the day...nearly ALL broccoli and cauliflower and asparagus...and I still feel fail?
Feeling fail is NOT allowed! :P
Also...I'm bored.
I need to go work out. Yes. That will make me feel AWESOME. <3
I feel for you on the "healthy Ana" vs. "bad ana" war :(
ReplyDeleteGo get those endorphins flowing, lovely lady!
I have always been puzzled about this subject. Because when I restrict or fast, I do lose weight. And maybe it does seem easier to gain weight back. But I can't ignore the fact that you so plainly stated: starving does work. Perhaps my metabolism will be fucked up. Oh well. There's always a certain price to pay...
ReplyDeleteIf you don't feel hungry, I don't think it's necessary to force yourself to eat up to 1000kcal just to ensure that your metabolism doesn't go into starvation mode. I think our metabolism varies slightly from day to day depending on our level of activity. (It would be good if we knew just how many calories we're burning sitting/talking/cooking/brushing our teeth etc, but it's a numerical nightmare and counting calories is enough to make my head spin already.) When it's a little slower, you probably need less food and that translates into you not feeling hunger even if you've only had just a few hundred calories the entire day.
ReplyDeleteListen to your body and eat carefully apportioned meals when you're hungry. I think it's when you ignore your hunger pangs that your blood sugar dips and your metabolism slows drastically.
Starving does work, but the caveat is that it only works short-term. Slow and steady wins the race. (:
I think you just have to do what works best for you. if eating a little bit feels ok, then do that... don't force yourself to eat more to fulfill some calorie chart. Try to just pay close attention to your body's signs and be in tune with yourself, because we are all different. :)
ReplyDeleteSince I have started doing long term fasts, I have realized that what most doctors say is usually inaccurate and outdated. I really think it is best to learn your individual body's needs and find a way to provide them to yourself, through a means that you (and Ana :p ) are comfortable with.
I can also relate so much to the struggle between life being a restricting nightmare, versus letting it all go to just starve. I think we all find ourselves in that terrible purgatory from time to time.
You are doing really well, though, don't lose sight of that. Your strength and determination are inspiring for me and I am forever grateful for the support and kindness you've shown to me. I hope I can reciprocate it to you as well. <3
Hope you'll have a good day, and I know you will stay lovely, loveliest. ;)
xoxox
First of all I think the starvation mode thing is so overblown. Sure, people do starve but that is only after they have been fasting or restricting for very long periods of time and it can be curtailed by avoiding the total loss of protein in the diet. But thinking that your body goes into starvation mode after just one day below the arbitrarily decided 1200 calories is just silliness in my view.
ReplyDeleteOf course you have to do whatever you are comfortable with but doesn't make much sense to me to eat at the end of the day if you aren't even hungry. I say just make sure that you don't let your protein levels drop too far down for too long. That way you won't lose too much lean muscle mass when restricting.
You can eat nutritiously without being a slave to some high caloric number.
I don't know...I just get irritated as hell when people tell me what I can and can not do. lol
Sorry, I'm rambling. :)
Stay lovely! And whatever you do, we're here for you. xoxox